Thirty-th December

Another year.

Happy Birthday.

What's the 3 wishes prayers for this year (which would only take place in next year)?
1. Perform Umrah.
2. Graduate.
3.Meet a person that i will will truly treasure me, likewise.

While i still wanna write

1. i could never forget syu's antique at wedding fara, whereby she called my name and then buat aksi kuak lentang kecil-kecilan(i mean, dia kuak tgn dia sket2 jeh bukan yg full-on mcm org tgh betul2 berenang). depan2 meja beradap tuh jugak dia beraksi, eheh;) tahuuu, dia tak sabar nak bermandian di sungai bergembira bersama-sama.

wahai dugong sekalian, bukan tak jadi tp agak kesuntukan masa. i'd say december wasnt the best time cos most of us(not me;p) are tied up with works. mid jan, i'll be starting my rotation in HUSM already and will only be going to KL for wedding over the weekend. I'm thinking of organising it while i'm in JB kot, senang nak turun KL banyak kali. itu pun, aduhai kena bargain time with my beloved brother n sis-in-law. almaklumla, dapat yg caring-lagi-protective-pastu-suka-nak-adik-dia-spend-time-together. ini pun reputation dah corot sbb last time punye performance, eheh. tp jgn risau, insya Allah ada rezki kita ber-dugong yeh??

2.I dont seem to put on weight in msia, despite the amount of food i ate and how undisciplined i am. A space for an inch or two around the waistline when i put on my baju kurung last night and a size-smaller pants i bought the other day. i ate bigger portion and took up late dinner, if that's what u wanna ask next.

For what it's worth.

So what do we call for unspoken truth? the fact thats it's not a lie because one doesnt deny or tell the opposite, but at the same time it hasnt been let known.

Is it cowardful for not admitting, or playing safe as to avoid pain?

It is hoped that time will fade the truth away, kill what's inside and leave it to die. it is hoped that by then, the significance becomes non-existent. it is hoped that there will be no regret after doing what's the best for it, apart from telling the truth that is.

the end.

Words game

I take words at face value. whatever said to me, i believe. no matter how dodgy or delusional it sounds, i believe.

this, gets back to me. on a lighter note, i often had trouble with during psychiatric rotation cos i believe what the patient told me. once i talked to a gentleman who had systematised paranoid delusion but not once i doubted his story, until i read the files and be told by the doctor 'never believe what your patient said'. i bet, she referred to this unit only:)

ppl can easily bluffed me. on recent incident, my brother caught me misplacing the tickets simply by saying that the dates were wrong and i need to check them again. i searched high and low to no avail . little did i suspect that he was just playing a trick on me and i have actually misplaced the tickets and he found them elsewhere.

because i believed what ppl said, i always get into trouble. once i sulked with my mum because she forgot her words. eventhough i know that's possible to forget or maybe do it some other time, still i could not get over it and end up sending her sms to tell why i was like jeruk masam. it's not that i really want the promised gift, but because the words said to me, i hold to it. it's nothing i am proud of, it's the other way round.

i gave people trouble because of that too. i got pissed off when ppl didnt keep their words, oblivious to the potential of sweet-talk or simply say-to-make-it-sounds-nicer. i would go to an extent of saying what's in my head, little did i realised that some ppl are actually good at giving words away meaninglessly. i know one person who admitted to that. realising how much damage i've caused for being blunt, i learnt to keep in inside. feeling any bettter? you tell me.

now that i learnt not to believe, i still remember.

to be continued.

I don't need, i dont want

it started when i was young, a little kid. i used to get things my way. i spoiled myself by making sure that i got everything i wanted. being the youngest for a long time, i was pampered by the whole family as well. up until now, my brothers would story how spoilt i was back then and people need to attend to my wish or i wont settle. i cried, i sulked, i threw tantrum, i did everything to have my wish. there's nothing that could stop me from having them. i was still a good child, only a little hard on letting go my want's.

as grow older, i learnt to compromise a bit. as i would still wanna have it no matter what, i earned it by good grades. it didnt make me feel bad cos i believed i deserved them. when i started to have my own money, i fulfilled my wish by myself. i hardly asked but i will make sure i had them eventually. no matter what, i worked my way out to get them.

now, it gets back to me when my need's want's are no longer of money-can-buy. i could not save money for that, i could not throw tantrum or sulk for that. i could only cry. but still, it wont be mine. NO, actually i dont want it to be mine. i want to let go. but i dont know how. i could not for all this while, i did not know how to let go.

to be continued

' I hope the counting will stop soon'

That's so sweet of you, my friend.

well, not to say i'm used to it but i have learnt to live with it. even if not in i-know-the-blessing-in-disguise way, i am managing and i am ok with how i'm doing.

i never ask for this. N-E-V-E-R. GOD knows how much i did to make it not happen. sometimes i wonder, is this some kind of karma or punishment from up above? cos i always talked big about how it is possible and how much i hate ppl with that trait. SUCKS.

i faced it the hard way. the way some ppl said i shouldnt. nevermind the harsh truth, at least i know now what's meant-to-say and what's sweet-talk for future references...

to be continued.

Tulis yang happy jeh

hard to believe that the stay was a good one. managed to get everything done.

i watched C!nta, Happy Feet and De Javu. all were good movies.

i spent time with my family, hung out at shopping mall or simply lazed around at home. the two brothers are so entertaining.

i ate A LOT- chicken max, hot & spicy, cendol pulut, tomyam, hot plate, nyonya peranakan meals, nasi lemak, laksa johor, pizza hut(will never come again to this, yucks tak sedap!), home-made lasagna, masak lemak cili, sup ikan, chocolate cake and a few other, many thanks to my sis-in-law.she did a great job to improve my appetite. its a record to have both nasi lemak and laksa johor for a breakfast, and to finish up everything on the plate for the rest of the occasions. extra kilo's? of course, i must have gained...

i attended weddings-dalisha's and fara's. my sis-in-law kidded me about how i always go all the way for my friends and she would wanna sepit diorg if they dont do the same to my wedding. heheh, i simply replied that i dont care and dont really expect them to do the same since i did all these for myself, my satisfaction. i'm glad i made it to both. isk, menyesal tak makan masa kenduri fara. tgk gambar nampak macam sedapppp jeh.adui, menyesal menyesal.


i was treated with japanese food buffet, claimed to be advanced-birthday-present. courtesy of my bro and sis-in-law. I almost missed this for fara's wedding but managed.


i shopped for shoes, pants and a few other necessary stuffs. wish could do a few more with tops and bags. hmm, next time maybe.


i had girls' time with far!na and l!yana on 2 different occasions. it's been a great hang-outs, thanks for making out time for me. l!yana took a day off and far!na suprised me with tupa!-tupa! eat-out. hey kiss-proof girl, i seriously wonder whether u do have telepathy or not cos it really looked like so.


what else?

seemed like i went out almost everyday, by the end of it i had brotherly reminder for not being at home as much *half-guilty grin* well, i can assured you that now we're settling down in Shah A1am, there'll be no more less of this. huhuhu, i am so gonna miss the ok-lah-not-bad LRT that brought me to all these places.

before i stop, here's the ticked-off wishlist.

putih violet

pink-guin

H0me and Away

Back for a day. spent more than a week in Kedah, in my sister's comfort. going to KL for another week.

i have a lot to write, but need to sort my thoughts out. while i'm away.

Hello...

from home. hmm, must say it felt a bit surreal. 9 months of waiting and here i am. quoting F, 'the air is much sweeter at home'

one thing for sure, i'm missing my parents. its not easy to adapt to the absence. i felt for Harry P0rter who unlike me, hasnt see his folks since baby. must be really hard for him.

i was torn between the expectation to be the guardian angel in the house and my wish to go away for distraction.

heh, so i thought i've grown out of welled-up-eyes.

last day

first thing first. The result came out 2 days ago. Alhamdulillah, i did fine. thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. i guess, i'm officially on holiday (yeah right? so what's road trip, bridal shower, grad and shopping spree all about??? teeeheee). anyhow, i'm glad the exams' over and i think i've achieved my little target for the past 4 years.

next. how's life? i've moved into the other room. smaller but enough for everything, cant wait to have all the little-rabbit-princess-spongebob-penguin-grovy chick-and-all on the red table. teheeeee=D and yes, i DID the packing myself ( ok ok, with a little assistance from the housemates.. giving ideas of where to put things n stuff) after having everything stacked on the bag for a few days. urgh, it's not that i dont know how but if i wanna do it, i would like to do it ONLY once and neat. i hate to re-open the bag for some forgotten or newly bought things. so i must say this is the most at-ease going home trip, where i've got everything ready days before departure. hmm, maybe i'm just not the last-mins type of person. i've also changed my ticket to make it 2 days earlier. and yes, it's tonight!! hahahaha. i'm giving myself credit for not being fooled by the agent who was being some kinda i-cant-help-you-because-it's-your-fault. heh, i'm persistent if i want to.

finally. to reflect how's Melb 2006' been to me? hmmm, bits of everything. there's SO MUCH lesson i learnt, both medicine and life-wise. HAH, i dont need that smirks ok!! *hiding my smirk* very well, i used to feel that it is a year full of emotions and jerky journey. i grow up at the expense of tears and sweats. to look back, it's not that bad. i'm just changing my skin. everyone does that, at one stage of their life or another. it's all for a good cause.

don't miss me, Melb. i will come back. leaner, if not slimmer. teheeeee!!

You can find happiness in the darkness of time. Only if you remember to turn on the light
~Dumbled0re~

They said it will be my turn next year

To sit here, in this hall of graduation as one of the guests gave me this emotion. for a brief moment, i was carried away by the wishful thoughts. they are called the first batch, the pioneer of the new M0nash MBBS. Whatever they're called, i'm proud to say that i was there watching their momentous scroll-receiving. this was my first experience to be part of this ceremony, many thanks to those who offered tickets and eventually handed me one. i love the atmosphere, i love the smiles and i love the love showed by and to the loved ones.

at most, there's only one of the many who reads this. can you please let the rest of you know how proud i am of ur achievement and how much i will miss u ppl?? let's not feel sad for parting, but grateful for the meeting. yes, it should be that way.

i pray that my turn will come next year. to graduate.

p/s Do write again

I dont want all these to get drowned in my sore feeling, so i choose to write again.

-how great the bridal shower was for 2 lovely ppl here. i wish all the happiness for their next chapter of life. they surely deserved every sweetness and contentment a marriage promised. as always, to be with those bunch of girls was never without great laugh. i guess to charade English movie in the 1st part was easy enough, but wait till u know what's in the 2nd part of Malay movie. ok, just imagine how i acted out Tipah Tert!pu without the everyone-knows-lines to say? heeeesshhh, some others were Embun, Tangkai Jering, Ahmad Albab, Ibu Mertuaku, Sembilu (!!!!) eccentric tak hingatt..OMG, wish i could get hold of the video..would be something worth reminiscing in a few years' time ahead.

-how i-could-not-find-the-best-word-to-describe-this-feeling the road trip to W!lson's Prom was. the finale adventure for us. hmm, really should thank them for inviting us to join in this year. it made a hell lot of difference in my life here, i must say. pictures taken, jokes shared ( boleh tak, seseorang membebel tak tahan sejuk pastu letak tangan dekat speaker???ape lagi, yang dua org ini pun seronokla membuat lawak konon lagu pasang kuat sgt pastu letak tangan dekat aircond..bergegar seats belakang tuh dgn gelak ketawa!) poses acted, food finished up( yes, we so love aktiviti cicah-cicah!), long stroll taken, not to forget a failing attempt to re-create Bla1r W1tch Pr0ject (uhukkk, sebijik macam budak2 berlari nak kejar sales)..teheee, it was superduper FUN and JOYFUL 12 hours we had. but for me, the best part was when everybody lied flat in the big room, all cramped and packed up. next to each other. it felt like a big family. well, it is.

-i found the ring. a gift from my parents for SPM. it's been a year and half since i last said ' ya Allah, kalaula ia rezeki aku temukanlah semula'. eversince then, i didnt put any hope as i thought i've lost it in the middle of my sister's wedding. to have it happened almost a year after i lost my bracelet's gift for 21st birthday numbed me ( who wouldnt, after crying heart out after the 1st unfortunate event?). cut the story short, i was doing my usual spring-cleaning-before-flying-home and casually opened up one of the boxes and there it was, waiting for me. i cant describe how i felt. tried to call mum to share the joy but couldnt get through. it was only after a few weeks before she went off to Tanah Suci since she mentioned how she'd like to spring clean the cupboards at home in case the ring got lost in there. that very night, i dreamt of my mum. i must be wishing hard to talk to her about this not-for-trade-sentimental-values. Alhamdulillah. this small episode in life taught me well about hopes, HIS mercy and mysterious plans.

-It feels good to have everything ready to be gifted away to everyone's in home country. it feels like sharing my opportunity to be here with the rest. the thought that counts, it goes without saying. i've collected some while in NZ and topped up with 2 days of good shopping. the satisfaction and anticipation to see the smiles excites me more than the cringe of not being able to pamper myself (well, i did get away with a few actually. its called self-reward=p) it feels really good, indeed.

-The best analogue to my life now is baby step. walk a step, fall down. rise up. try to walk another step, fall down. rise up again. cries and giggles along the way.

It feels better after some tears..

I wanna stop writing for a while. I dont feel right at the moment. If i dont write back again even after i'm home, feel free to check out my local contact number (will be the same one) and give me a buzz. would love to hear and meet ppl. thanks.

p/s dont worry. i'm fine.

Melancholy

The Girls and road trips. Was it our last time?
Gush of emotion when wishing parents well for their Hajj.

To wait another month for solace in the folks' embraces.

What lies ahead, nobody know.

To realise that i will sorely miss the nephew and nieces' stories.

Go with the flow.

Tones of life. Accept, no regret.

We will meet again, girls.

Mixed

i (hope) i'm done with the battle for this year's medicine. the exams were over, tried my very best despite lacking of motivation towards the end of it. i know i deserved some rewards for being able to pull myself off and came this far. things has never been easier, but i managed. Praise to Allah.

i have this mixed feelings. i am euphoric to go home. i so can't wait to spend time with my beloved family and friends, to meet my 2 little heroes for the first time, to eat out as much as i can. a lot of ppl are expecting and waiting for my return and i hope my presence soon will make up for the loss of memories all this while. yes, i am very much happy and contented in that sense.

but there's some nagging feelings at the back of my head. i am afraid to face the fact that this is going to be the few remaining days to spend with the final years. they've been a really GROOVY and FUN-To-BE-WITH bunch of girls, full of vibes!! i am thankful for the chance to know and get closer to them this year but to think that there'll be no more of them next year scares me a bit. uhuk=( having said that, i know i've done my best. i know i've been enjoying myself and i know i am appreciating our time while it lasts.

not even the loss that took place a few hours earlier today snatched away my laugh while playing 'charade' at the bridal shower celebration. no, i didnt let. i am sad and sorry for whatever that happened but again, i believe i've done my best and that matters most to me now. i didnt wish for time-machine to go back and un-do my mistakes, i accept what's done is done. i didnt wish for another chance either, it'll be too cruel to ask for.

also the fact that i'm actually coming home to an almost empty house as my parents are leaving in 3 days' time for Hajj. yes, i'm this worried and anxious at the thought of something might happen to them and i'll forever be missing them. but later i learnt, i only have ALLAH to ask for . i will pray for their health and so that i will be able to see them again. i believe in Allah and i know HE will never let me down.

random

Reward after the VIA exam: 0ne tree h1ll !!

ADIK,




Do ur best for this SPM and pray a lot. I believe in you and i know you can do it. bersabarlah ye tunggu habis exam,nyehnyehnyeh!!

cheers

What we call rescue?

plan

I find myself in funny situations more often than never. lately, especially. the harder i tried to make things right, the worse it gets.hahahaha. it feels awful but i can't ignore my fault either. so, what choice do i have? hahaha. i think i wanna stop trying for a while. j.u.s.t s.to.p t.r.y.i.n.g.

I know this is another month's ahead but..

Sorry dugong-dugong girls. i think 3rd weekend in Dec wont be good for our mandi sungai trip. I might just arrive in town and have a wedding reception in N9 on sunday. Since that's the case, i need the next weekend for my family otherwise my sis in law will sweetly sulk. teheeee=D Dont wanna rush things off, i have another date to propose, will try my best to accomodate for that. nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii..

so l1yana, can i sleep over at ur place during weekdays instead?? maybe we can have dinner somewhere before that, and try to get anyone who can join us?? better still, do u have spare annual leave cos i need a shopping partner!!??

laugh..

i'm laughing at myself over the lack of impulse control. hahah, it's very obvious. when others would sit down and talk, i jumped straight into conclusion. hahah, smarty pants (NOT!). i so wanna laugh for never stop being thick. hahaha, failed to do what i preach. the thought of going *pooffhhtt* invisible and hiding myself somewhere inside a burrow sounds like the right solution. just like in animal world. the annoyingly unwanted creature goes and hides itself away from messing others' life. hahah, it's funny how i never learn from the repeating mistakes. i thought i did the last time, but no i didnt. hahah, very funny that i found myself shaking head in disbelief.

i know, i know. the loss is mine. hahah, but life goes on. isn't it?

tenang

jangan risau.

aku akan tenang dan senang bila ingat yang dunia nih tak kekal. satu masa nanti, aku takkan ada kat sini dah. bila masa tuh tiba, aku akan tinggalkan semua benda nih. until masa tuh sampai, aku cuma perlu bertahan dan persevere. sementara tunggu masa tuh tiba, ada benda aku nak buat.

osce

to those who doesnt know, OSCE consists of a few stations and each station will require us to do different things. history, examination, management and so forth within the specified time. nak kata macam main doktor-doktor pun boleh. one thing about this thing, there'll be one funny station to reflect back. something stupid we did/said out of panicky that we would laugh later on.

this time, station 9. woahh, manic patient. non-stop ramblings. homosexual, on the verge of breaking up with her partner. yada yada. i tried to take control of the situation. managed. now, she moved closer to me. ok oww! now, started talking about how pretty my scarf is, how she would like to take me as her(YES, her!!) new partner. moved closer. huwaaaaa!!

tried to touch me. out of kalut, cuak, panik...i blurted

'STOP! I'm sorry to say this. I'm a doctor. I cannot have any relationship with my patients..'

*my eyes wide-open. OMG, OMG..what should i say next???*

'bla..bla..blaa(not convinced)

*ok, final attempt*

'besides, i'm already married and i have kids at home'

'but you dont have your wedding ring..' (pointing at my bare fingers)

*rasa nak tepuk dahi sendiri. muka dah kelat*

'urghh, nevermind that..'

ngaaaaaaaaa...

p/s dont worry, the girl tuh acting out je, in fact at one point obviously dia nak tahan gelak tengok muka aku. mesti kelat-kelat masin.

mistake

deleted

hahaha

hahaha. hidup nih mmg satu ujian. sentiasa diuji kiri kanan, depan belakang. aku rasa aku gagal dgn ujian semua nih. kalah.

hahaha. manusia mudah lupa. sesuatu depan mata, mana ada nak appreciate sangat kan? bila dah takde, hmm takut baru nak carik..

hahaha. aku dah takde ape dah. habis. lepas satu, satu aku hilang.agak malang la jugak bila fikir.

hahaha. mana boleh nak lupa ape yang jadi tu sesenang aje. aku takkan lupa. silap. aku tak boleh nak lupa. sampai mati pun aku tak boleh nak lupa.

hahaha. sedih tapi gelak. hahaha.

Update

Update

Ayah M1's still in CCU. fifth day.underwent angiography/plasty(minute telescope into the artery to open up the blockage) three days ago. stable. alhamdulillah.called everyday to check on him and other family. mum's been on the ward each time i rang. could hear the beeping sound of the machine. not the usual backgound voice of his, teasing me for nothing. Didnt write that he's not yet reach 40 year old, did i? life's like that. i ended my conversation with mum saying

'I love you'.

brighter

I got back my psych assignment last week. to my big relief, i needed to do nothing with it. no resubmission, no whatsoever. it was all good. alhamdulillah. i know, i always thought of the worst case scenario. anyway glad that i was over with it and nothing to worry about.

2 days after, i received the placement for next year. my final year, insya Allah. here's

1 : 22/01/2007 - 02/03/2007 Elective (KB, Msia)
2 : 05/03/2007 - 13/04/2007 Medicine (JB, Msia)
3 : 16/04/2007 - 25/05/2007 Surgery (BH, Melb)
4 : 28/05/2007 - 06/07/2007 Specialty Infectious DIsease (BH, Melb)
5 : 09/07/2007 - 17/08/2007 Emergency (BH, Melb)
6 : 20/08/2007 - 28/09/2007 Vacation (Msia)
7 : 01/10/2007 - 09/11/2007 Aged Care (KC, Melb)

Yes, you read right. i will be in Msia from Dec right until Apr!l. how good is that? basically, i got all my 1st preferences apart from my specialty(still,that's one of my want-to-do-rotations) and i'm very pleased. Alhamdulillah. I'm really excited about going to JB so anyone in JB, care to meet up? or maybe anyone who would like to join us there and go island-ing? Yes, you read right again. I'll be back in Msia for Ramadhan, insya Allah. Let's hope and pray everything will go according to the plan. As for BH, it will be daily long journey for at least 4 consecutive months, but i heard the teaching there was really good so i'm looking forward to it.

Save the best for the last? heh, I have lost 4kg up until now, so there'll be another kg to go to reach my target weight before end of next month. then maybe i can try to lose another 5kg? hoh, aneroxic!

life

Disclaimer: My space, my thoughts.

I have a taste of life lately.

If only i could write everything down here, it would be easy peasy. ppl will understand why the happy-go-lucky vibes are no longer here and everything sounds hollow. as dark as the background. but i can't, and i won't. there'll always be something i need to hold back and advised myself againts telling.

in the past, i ignored my feelings, i went againts my intuition because i didnt wanna do bad in the eyes of society. and you know what, too much of repression makes me suffer. it put me in a lot of agony and at the end of the day, my world becomes grey. colourless. i thought that was the worst trial i need to face, so i persevered. with bruises.
so, what makes me tipped over this time?

go on reading..

betrayal used to be something i used to heard or seen, but now its part of my histories. once is unbearable and twice is killling. what makes someone backstab? even worse, what makes someone backstab the person who has been giving their back all this while through the rough journey? as a human, i am disgusted. as an affected soul, i am in deep sorrow. there goes my sense of security. i will forever be living in paranoid and pain. oh GOD, ppl cant blame everything on takdir, can they? should you asked me why not let it go? no, i choose not to because these ppl has been and will always be in my life's picture. that cuts right deep.

i walk in hopelessness. it was so gloomy and i dont want ppl to see me that way. that explains the missing of this space and urs truly. i dont wanna drag other ppl into my misery. i dont wanna let ppl see how vulnerable i am. i makes me feel even weaker.to add icing to the cake, i was presented with minute dispute. resolved, with take home message-its nice to be easy and nonchalant, just be prepared for ppl who might use it for their advantages.
*****************************

With the above life events, to hear that my uncle had a heart attack didnt move me abit. everything's already numb.

'Haah,dah kalih..dah tak rasa ape. banyak sangat benda sedih jadik, dah tak terkejut.hmm.'

iman yg diuji.

hurt

yes, i smiled and enjoyed those days.

-when i cooked for mini get-together with the studymates. each stuffed themselves with variety of food, later complained of about-to-burst-tummy..
-when i spent hours on the net with my family everynight/day for the week. 'joined' the family gathering and bbq hosted at my house. went to the clinic half-heartedly on my brother's engagement cos i really wanna 'join' the preparation. hearing my little heroe's voices and other loved ones soothed the ache of missing home. i didnt mind waking up from my sleep to hear and see them, and they really put up with my sleepy face.constant yawn =D
-when i dressed up and posed for the 1920's with the rest of the girls..everyone suprised each other with their own 'creativity'. best moments would be the picture-preview..full of vanity!hehe.
-when i received more kad raya from r0se & anee$a..not a bad collection this year;)
-when we had another girls' day out to the fiesta, walked around the town till our feets hurted and impulsively bought myself another pair of shoes..gelato and pecel lele completed the day
-when i met up with the whole bunch of ppl for the open house at the campus centre,with traditional foods and photography session after that. continued the day with house-hopping and pictures-hunting...

yes, i do enjoyed each and everything. even when i slept with tired eyes and damp pillow at nights. even with deep cut and bruises from the battles at every corner of my life. even with loss and despair.

raya

Woke up for subuh and stayed awake despite the early hour. showered and went down to kitchen and started preparing roti jala. earlier last night, cooked kuzi ayam. then the rest of the housemates joined in. as usual bila dah ramai2, hingaqq..

around 730, started to walk to the sports center for Eid prayer. beautiful sunny day. quiet journey as there's only 3 of us. the atmosphere there was hard-to-explain-with-words. non-discriminant. these pictures proved.

i wish i could record the khutbah. it came from the heart of the imam. beautifully said and insya Allah, listened. amongs all that i can remember

'During the Eid prayer, you see the mosque masya Allah, full with people. But for zuhr prayer, the very next prayer after eid, the mosque is empty...everybody's busy with the celebration. they forgot about jamaah. they forgot about the mosque'

'We do not have any control in our life. Only ALLAH has the power to control, and ALLAH is the GREATEST power'.

there was not much plan for the day. got ready at home while waiting for other friend to give us a lift to the joint-open-house. meantime, watched Peah's vidclip. rasa nak berguling2 gelak. iskk, rinduunyaaa...only had a destination for the day unlike the previous years, but the companies, the food and the joy we had made up for everything we missed back home. potlucks of laksa johor, mee rebus, rendang, lontong, kuzi, kuah kacang, cupcakes;), etc etc..scrumptious.

we spent the whole afternoon & evening eating, laughing, posing for the cameras and videos(!!), eating again, previewing the censored videos and pictures taken earlier, laughing out loud and watching movies.by the end of the day, everyone's knackered and i dozzed off in front of the tv in no time. what a pleasant and laid back celebration for me. as much as it doesnt feel much like raya this year, i had bundle of joy and sweet memories.

reached home around magrib and there were on the table

parcel from my sister. this time, it's almond london. ecstaticed after reading her note. i know, everyone's waiting for my flight home, i know;)

kad raya from kha1ee1. suprised, yet the kindest thought. duit raya, saya masuk tabung yeh?

i've promised my brother to go online so i bugged him. we both webcam-ed as almost everyone's home, so mum got to see me in my baju raya and i got to see how 'busy' they were breaking the last fast. penuh balai dengan food. afterwards, abg long managed to get us voice-chatted while vieweng each other, so i dont have to go downstairs to make a call. it was a quiet night for them, i could see. with lotsa XY's, there's not much they were doing apart from playing scrabble and lazing around. each took turn to entertain me while i was busy yawning. i hail for the technology for bringing me closer to my loved ones. there's nothing more precious than seeing their faces, even just on the monitor.

i went off to bed, CONTENTED. my 4th raya abroad is an almost-perfect one. My CREATOR, families and friends.

Allah MAHA ADIL, kan? DIA tak pernah biarkan aku kat bawah lama2..nanti DIA angkat aku balik, ke tempat yang lebih tinggi. syukur.

'I want you to remember one thing. Everyone here loves you very much...'
-Uncle-

p/s.the rest of the pictures? most probably after the exam=)

last

This may be my last time spending the whole Ramadhan here. insya Allah. also, my last time with the girls. they've been a great help for me to forget my sorrow, even for a while.

one fine day, years from now
-i will miss the anticipation of waiting for my parcels and kad raya. from the loved family and friends. along with them, attached the greatest thoughts and kindest regards. it's the best feeling. these make up their absence, partially.
-i will miss our get-togethers. potlucks and all. it's always been a therapeutic for me to be among the familiar faces and share each other's presence.
-i will miss our small activities after iftaar. may Allah bless us and accept our efforts to imarah this Holy month.
-all the trials and bumpy journey i am having now, i would reflect back. hopefully, i will be in better hands and place and keep the words of wisdom with me all the time. for every obstacle, i pray for rahmat and keredhaan.

This wednesday, insya Allah my 3rd brother will tie the knot with his soon-to-be-fiancee who is my friend-cum-senior in high school. yes, the 9498 batch. rest-assured, i have nothing to do with how they met with each other and managed to reach this stage=) in fact, it is a suprise for me, myself when i first know. nevertheless, i share their joy and will always pray for the best of them. i would like to keep this low profile and when the right time comes, i myself will make the invitation on their behalf here.

lastly, i would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya , Maaf Zahir Batin. for every action, word or silence that left a mark in anyone's heart, i sincerely ask for forgiveness. i cannot promise and can never be perfect, that's human. thanks for all the support everyone's been giving me all this while, by words and prayers.

till we meet again.

home

kisah dari kejauhan buat jantungku bergegar. tiada dugaan sebesar dugaan ini. tak sangka, sudah 10 bulan berlalu tp kisahnya masih bersisa.

dugaan yg buat aku rasa tak tertanggung. dugaan yg buat aku rasa takut. dugaan yg buat aku rasa terlalu sedih.

mungkin hikmahnya ialah aku tak lagi peduli akan kisah2 lain. biarlah takde kemaafan pun, biarlah. aku sudah penat untuk meminta.terlalu penat.

tapi ya Allah, aku tak mampu nak tempuh dugaan ini. dugaan yg sebenarnye menjadi bayang2 dalam diri aku selama ni.

aku pohon ya Allah.

Update

Few sms and a phone call from afar, soothed me. slowly, i learn to seek for help. for assurance. for hands to pull me up again. my blood.

defeated

I have an assignment to hand it tomorrow. however, i can hardly focus. self-blame and guilt halts me. i feel defeated. being at the receiving end, what goes around does comes around. ouch.

Face forward today! Think about the next adventure instead of dwelling in the past.

pesan

Pesan Rasulullah: ‘Jangan putus asa berdoa’

DARIPADA Abu Hurairah bahawa Nabi SAW bersabda bermaksud:”Allah sentiasa memperkenankan doa seseorang hamba selama doa itu tidak mengandungi (perkara) dosa, (perkara yang) memutuskan silaturahim dan selama tidak meminta supaya cepat-cepat diperkenankan.”

Lalu Baginda ditanya oleh seseorang: “Apa maksudnya meminta dicepatkan?” Jawab Baginda: “Umpamanya seseorang itu berkata dalam doanya:”Aku berdoa, aku berdoa tetapi aku belum melihat doaku diperkenankan. Lalu aku putus asa dan berhenti berdoa.” (Hadis riwayat Muslim)

-Ber!ta Har!an-

gembira sedih

Gembira sangat2 hari nih

Kad raya drpd L!yana-thanks my dearest. insya Allah, will take care of myself and will have a good time. Miss u too..

Parcel drpd ma-yeay, baju raya sudah dapat. suprise suprise, this time pun dah tak traditionally pink. this is 2nd year baju raya colour lain.tapi rasanya mesti yang kat rumah tuh ada at least a glint of pink. ma yang pilih dan sangat suka. tapi imigresen jahatttt, tak dapat kurma and serunding. jahat jahat!! suprise lagi bila dapat duit raya, dalam sampul pulak tuh. suka.

Parcel drpd kak sya- another round of tart nenas. kan dah kata, this year akan dapat kuih raya depan pintu je, tak payah buat pun. ada kad raya juga. seronok baca cerita2 dari msia.

tapi dengar lagu Ujang, terus air mata keluar. homesick kot.

raya

7 days before Raya

Baju Raya- posted last week. tak sampai lagi,gegegege. this time, minta ma hantar sepasang je, yang lain simpan utk raya haji la kot.

Kuih Raya- tak buat kot. tak reti (opss!). kalu ada pun, tart nenas and biskut almond yang kak sya hantar haritu. tak habis lagi so for sure sempat dimakan masa raya nanti. ada rezeki, adelah lagi kuih raya depan pintu. kalu tak, takdelah.

Lagu Raya- none in my playlist. entah, cukup dgn dengar from the other housemate's punye je. takde rasa nak mencarik kat net. oh kejap, ada satu actually. my favourite from Ujang-Syahdu di Pagi Raya. lagu nih tak glamer rasanya cos carik lirik kat net pun tak jumpa. tapi sangat suka. sape nak dengar bagitaula. boleh emailkan nanti.

Kasut/Beg Raya-kasut raya dah ada. haah, tak pernah2 beli this year terasa nak ada kasut baru. suka. beg tak terbeli sbb tak sempat nak shopping, lagipun nak carik yg berkenan susah. so nantilah, bila jumpa yang suka boleh beli terus.

Kad Raya-sent by today. received none, yet. dapat kad pertama hari nih. dari on!al!as. tak expect tapi sangat suka. terima kasih, kawan. selain tu, kad jemputan kawen boleh kira kad raya tak?? hehe.

Duit Raya- sape nak kasi pun kan, jauh jauh nih..nasib baik En/Puan MARA baik hati, hiks!

Bunga api/pelita- sabtu ni, insya Allah. tapi pelita macam susah je sbb windy. kang baju aku pulak yang jadi sumbu pelita. hee, takmau.

reverse

deleted

hard

deleted

awkward

deleted

cope

how do i cope?

i called my mum everyday. or every other day. 5 mins of her voice sufficed me. sometimes, i didnt have anything to story her, but i would still call.

i talked to my girlfriends over the net. absence makes our heart grows fonder. i guess, thats why Allah send me down here, away from the rest so that i will appreciate them more. L sent me a meaningful the butterfly & the flower. P replied my mail her wisdom. F humoured and amused me with her twist of life. they are amongst all. but what i actually enjoy most is their ability to step back and give me objective explanation. it helped a lot.

i made myself available for get-togethers. last weekend, we had girls' nite out for T & D's belated birthday. not the fancy restaurant that matters, but the good jolly laugh and food we shared. wish could display the moments here. the following 2 weekends, i'm booked for pot-lucks. pssstt, nak main bunga api jugak=)

i enjoyed my group study. it put me at ease at least, to know that i am sharing the burden of revision and whatsnot with the 3 others. we discussed, we explained and we laughed in between.
i pray so that Allah grants me the best of things. HE who understands me the most.

cupcakes

Can i say something ?

I want this for my birthday.

offended

deleted

OTH

New season

' TH is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world. Maybe it's nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you.

Someone trying to find their way.

Someone trying to find their place.

Someone trying to find their self.

Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who are struggling, unsatisfied or barely getting behind but that feelings are lie. And if you just hold on, just find courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all ok, because we all need a little help sometimes.

someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. that someone is out there and that someone will find you.'

Glad to have it back. nothing's therapeutic like this one. looking forward.

cry

Y: pedihh perutt
Y: tak sahurr
Y: *cry*
M: *cry*
M: x sedar
M: ngntuk sgt la pg td
M: huhu
Y: ituhlaaaaaa
Y: *cry*
M: *cry*
M: tdo je la nmpk gaye hr ni
Y: huhuhuhhuh
Y: takleh kijo banyokkk
Y: *cry*
M: *cry*
M: moh kite nanges...
M: *cry*
Y: *cry*

huhuhu, i miss my soymilk=(

tired

randomly random..

last night, managed to sort out my wardrobe. fuhh, the clothes are piling and i still have at least 3 tops i havent wear. simpan buat ape ntah =D i convinced myself that i need to stop shopping but i dont think i am willing to do that. why? because it's similar to why people get aneroxic. it's the ability to control. the person lose can't control what's happening in life, they feel hopeless so the only thing they can control is what they eat. in my case, shopping is something i can do without having to think of what other people may think or feeling guilty about it. shopping gives me sense of control, that i can have whatever i wanna have.

i hope i am not catching another cold because my throat hurts.

watermelon for breaking fast. reward.

100 plus.

UPDATE

no, i didnt have watermelon for breaking fast or after terawikh. instead, i made myself honey-lemon warm drink to sooth the sore throat and helps with the fever-ish. later, emptied a can of 100 plus.

feel better, thank you.

shout out

holler to...

Far!na: erm, aku nak propose date for dugong-session 3rd weekend in Dec? ok ngak? in case ko nak survery2 kat PD ke ape (huhu, sorilah aku excited sket bab2 nih =p) if tak sesuai, bleh carik date lain..nti passkan contact no !da jugak ek?

regulars (read: yang memeriahkan shoutbox): nak kad raya, taknak?? meh address..

note to self:
* let's re-do the wardrobe. "hello sleeveless comfy tops. hope to see you again, bulky coats"
* cut down the 2nd helping. remember, you're always in bed as early as baby old lady and u dont need extra calories to sleep, do u? teheeee.

Insight
'Ramadhan is a month of blessing. Ramadhan is a reflection of our daily life. Ramadhan means abstinence and this is what we have been doing in our life. We abstain ourselves from our desire to fulfill Allah's desire and our EID is the day when we die and granted with Jannah(insya Allah). Ramadhan is time for deep contemplation. What is our ultimate purpose in life?'

Rezeki

I reached home, there's a letter for me. hmm, bank statement. i keep 2 accounts and this one is my saving. upon looking at the transactions since July, my heart sank. ouchh, so much had gone =(

Z reached home and said
'ppsstt, ada good news...'

my heart leap again.
ALHAMDULILLAH.

Doa

' Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Ia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang diusahakannya, dah ia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya. (mereka berdoa dengan berkata): "Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganla Engkau mengirakan kami salah jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganla Engkau bebankan kepada kami bebanan yang berat sebagaimana yang telah Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang terdahulu daripada kami. Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganla Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang kami tidak terdaya memikulnya. Dan maafkanlah kesalahan kami, serta ampunkanlah dosa kami, dah berilah rahmat kepada kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami; oleh itu, tolongla kami untuk mencapai kemenangan terhadap kaum-kaum yang kafir".
1:286.

mum

last night

i dreamt of my mum. she came over here to visit me. i didnt get to spend time with her, i didnt even get to see her face closely. i didnt get to hug her either.

oh GOD, i miss her so much. i woke up tearful.

UPDATE

terribe headache first thing in the morning, and it didnt go away until now. worse as i climbed up the stairs. throbbing and disturbing. i dont need this at the moment, not when i have an assignment due tomorrow.

nap.
painkillers.

cuti cuti

tolonggg....

fikiran aku sangat occupied dgn ape yang aku akan buat selepas 2 bulan ini

-kelantan. berehat bersama family. ikut abah pegi kebun ke, kolam ikan ke. ikut ma pegi mana-mana. cari gaduh dengan adik, sambil2 buli dia. spoilkan diri dengan abg yu & ayah mie, mintak ape-ape mesti dilayan. oh,lupe. insya Allah akan ada majlis jugak nti kat rumah tuh. heheh, kalut laa aku nti. dah confirm, baru aku war-warkan yek!

-kedah. kak dah book aku awal2 suruh pergi sana before pegi tempat2 lain. hehe, i will always be her baby sister. she pampered me very much, now that i find it difficult to share her with her other 'siblings'. pastu nak buli main2 dgn budak kecik yang manja lemak berkrim tuh.

-KL. nih panjang sket. memula macam biasa melepak rumah abang. pastu buli main2 dgn syahman & umar, syakir jugak. spoilkan diri dengan kak sya sambil2. jalan2 cari makan ke, shopping ke. nak seafood bolehh?? next, time with the girlfriends. hooiii kawan kawan, mari kite turun ke laut sungai. so far, nak mandi sungai seharian, pastu overnight kat PD sambil jalan2 cari makan ikan bakar. ada masa lagi, jom shopping??? splurge splurge ...pastu weddings. yeay, let's dress up!

-Perak. time with the auntie. we'll do all the girl's stuff. shopping, movie marathon, food-hunting. like always. thats the beauty of being one of her favourite nieces ;)

-Johor. kalau ada rezeki, insya Allahh. new place, new ppl, new experience.

fuhh, timur barat utara selatan.

girlfriends

even if i've said this million times, i wanna repeat it again.

my girlfriends are loveable

-i love the way they care about me genuinely. i have a pinch of experience about those who acts caring but not so really, but they spare me from this.

-i love the way they point out my mistakes and make me change for better. i need ppl to shake some sense in me sometimes and they do the job very well.

-i love the way distances doesnt drift us away. it brings us closer, in fact. hail to the tech!

- i love the way i can act sixteen around them. no need to pretend, no need to impress. nice

-i love the way they love me for who i am. LPU,klutz and many more.

heh, cheesy!

'sila terjun'
peah, aku still cant get over kata-kata ko yang ini. sangat2 hillarious. setiap kali teringat, aku tersengih sorang2..ohh, bendulnya aku=D

Scale

aaahhh, how am i going to lose another 5kg 4 kg ?? i have another 3 months and i am determined to achieve that target but, scale is really not my best friend. while i am wearing a size smaller the clothes go loose on me, it still points to the same number. how frustrating is that?

oh, dear. i know i havent been a good candidate either, where once in a while i go easy and indulge on the happily-prepared meals. but, i've sacrified my top-of-the-list pasta & noodles and take up green tea (though not religiously,opss), so i deserve some credit, u dumb scale!! dont wanna fren u anymore =p *rolled eyes*

hah, tak pasal pasal bergaduh dengan scale =D

summer

hehe, i so can't wait for this coming summer break. i could write a long list of things/people/places/food i wanna do/meet/visit/eat for that but i'll do it next time.

as for now, i'm still euphoric after chatting with I. we do have a lot of things to catch up. to reminisce. and the most exciting part would be our mini 'getaway' plan at one of the waterplaces in town outskirt...ohhh, we are so dugong water-friendly kan?? hahah, if i am given a choice, the best place to hang out would be sungai/beach, or park sambil2 berebut main kat playground..erm, shopping mall kurang gemar sket sbb too hustle-bustle. rimas.

anyway back to the plan. ohhh, i'm so excitedddd..hihihih, cepatlahh december!

eh makcik, lagi skali ko mistaken aku as prefect, mesti cik Aisah kecik hati..huhuh

reminder

A little reminder

'Dan apabila hamba-hambakKU bertanyamu mengenai Aku maka(beritahu kepada mereka): sesunnguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia berdoa kepadaKu. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruanKU (dengan mematuhi perintahKu), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepadaKu supaya mereka menjadi baik dan betul'
1:186

all of us should always remember this. no matter how hard it is, no matter how low we feel. just think, how lucky we are to have HIM to turn to? when other people are struggling alone, our hands meet and we pray.

Today

I am going to see GP for my blood test result. i dont really know what to expect. in fact, i dont really wanna know. too much going on to bear another one. its nice to live in ignorance. scared? understatement.

before i forget, can anyone who would like to receive kad raya to give me the address? YM or friendster. maybe up until next week.

UPDATE (5pm)

Alhamdulillah, the blood test result came back normal, apart from borderline low T3. i wonder whether i can pointdown at that for my depression-like symptoms. heh, escapism. eventhough i act sound non-chalant, i cried over my anxiety whenever i thought about this ordeal. especially yesterday. but that's the past now. all i need to do now is cancel the ultrasound appointment and repeat the bloodtest in 2 month's time. A suggested me to take more salt. iodinised salt to boost up the hormone level. i think i will. who knows, it helps with my slimming down programme as well. u know, thyroid hormone and metabolism. heh, crap.

anyhow, i walked out of the clinic with lighter head and better feeling. alhamdulillah.

Harapan Ramadhan

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
Kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat kulalui
Dengan sempurna

Selangkah demi selangkah
Setahun sudah pun berlalu
Masa yang pantas berlalu
Hingga tak terasa ku berada
Di bulan Ramadhan semula

Puasa satu amalan
Sebagaimana yang diperintahNya
Moga dapat ku lenturkan
Nafsu yang selalu membelenggu diri
Tiada henti-henti

Tak ingin ku biarkan Ramadhan berlalu saja
Tuhan pimpinlah daku yang lemah
Mengharungi segalanya dengan sabar
Ku memohon pada Tuhan diberikan kekuatan
Ku merayu pada Tuhan diterima amalan

Selangkah demi selangkah...
Dengan rahmatMu oh Tuhanku...
Ku tempuh jua

Day 1

Somehow, it didnt feel quite right. I did what i need to do without hesitation, put ego aside. Day went on pretty quick. Not much of waiting for breaking fast. Delusioned about pasar ramadhan to cheer up a bit. Terawikh n tadarus as usual, alhamdulillah.

Listen to her grief saddened me. Think of what i did dissapointed me. Submit myself to HIM relieved me.

'Perkara yang benar ialah yang datang dari Tuhanmu. Maka jangan sekali-kali engkau menjadi dari orang-orang yang ragu-ragu'
(2:60)

Salam Ramadhan

Selamat berpuasa kepada semua. hmm, awal pagi tadi rasa sayu bila ingat esok nak puasa. too much to handle at the moment.

For this holy month, I pray for strength. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for patience. I pray for solitude. I pray for blessing. I pray for guidance.

I surrender myself to HIM, for HE knows me best.

seikhlas hati, minta maaf kepada semua.

More than ever

deleted

For today only..

- Both my GP tutors made me promised to go and see doctor tomorrow. hmmm, kisahnya macam nih..as far as i can remember, say since 13 years old a lot of ppl have been commenting on my neck. goitre or lumpy neck. since it didnt bother me much, i ignored it. came to melb & learnt about thyroid and stuff, still i dont see any point of checking it out. its like there's no symptom so i dont wanna make a big of fuss about it. ok, it got a bit more noticeable whenever i'm struggling but thats about it. so it's been there for years...
this year, i noticed a small bump on the side of the lump. still, i didnt do anything, yeah, tell me about bad medical student. i thought if it's bad, i should be able to notice the changes to my body..

so today, i casually asked my GP tutor (CS) to have a look. the moment she saw it, she knew.

'Have you seen the doc about this'
*grin and shook my head*
'Have you had it checked? blood test?'
*grin and explained abit..shook my head again*
'When was the last time you have the ultrasound/CT scan (not even sure which one)?'
*grin and shook my head*
'Who's treating you at the moment about the thyroid?'
*grin and shook my head*

omg, i'm bad. CS had this 'unbelievable' look and started on how more-than-necessary for me to get it check..erkk, i'm out of defense lines. as i thought that was it, she told the next GP (MY ) whom i sat with later of the day. so, they are going to check on me next week whether i've done all the necessary. oh my, as if they can read my mind contemplating to postpone it to week after i finish my case study report. *innocent grin*

-I decided to find another case study (refer line above). the deadline is week after next so i'm suprised how composed i am now. kinda putting it at risk but i guess i just have to do it. i know the previous one is not a bad choice but when teenager's involved in mental health, there are so many aspect i need to cover so i'm not that comfortable to write it up. this decision came up after discussion with CS, as she might have noticed how unsettled and not-performing i was these few weeks. so i decided to give it another go tommorow so that i can work on it over the weekend. *pray hard*

i guess i'll be fine tomorrow. for both of the above.

Turning 9

Hello handsome boy,

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

May Allah bless you. I hope you'll grow up and become a good man. I wish for all your happiness and love you always...

Hugs,
Cik N.

About changes

'In the therapy, we use thought to change the feeling. Generally, when they are feeling down, they tend to generalised things. "i always have this, i always fail to.." they use always very often and negative thinking occupies their head. slowly when it keeps on being repeated in their mind, it sounds valid. so what we need to do is challenge the thinking. "Is it always..., ?" "haven't u ever achieved something" the they'll start to think and say " aaaa, not always..there are times when.." then they realise how much they've achieved so far.
-Tutorial-

it's not easy. i can say that because i've been at both ends. i know that when we're feeling down and dump, nothing sounds right. we just want things to go our way, no matter what. fair enough, everybody has desires. the frustration, the angst, the sadness....they block the mind.

also, listening to strong emotions are tough. there are times when i, myself feel hopeless. it takes understanding that the person isnt shoving us away whenever they disagree or left the conversation, but they are just too miserable. fair enough. i try really hard not to give false hopes, thats why sometimes my words can be a little bit not-of-what-they-wanna-hear. i dunno, its a juggle between giving consolation and bringing them back to reality. the best i can do is really, listen.

My YM status written as

'Belum puasa, sudah dapat biskut raya =D'

hehehehe, sukeeee...
ini daripada kak S, my darling sis in law. baru harituh sms mintak address, and then another sms this week utk bagitau dah poskan. tup2 bila sampai rumah tgh hari td, dah dpt parcel. alamakkk, so happy ;)

happy sebab dapat sesuatu tanpa diminta. tambah happy sebab sms yang berbunyi

-I sent 2 boxes. dapat dua2 dah? habiskan..nanti kak S hantar lagi-


ladidaaaa, tart nenas for dessert in Ramadhan...

Mari bercerita..

1. minggu ini turn aku utk prepare notes anatomy for the group. uhukkk, aku tak reti melukis..tak tipu, lukisan aku yg paling cantik adalah orang lidi dan rumah kotak..nak tahu ape aku buat??nyehnyehnyeh, aku tekap segala gambar yg penting...ok, lepas tuh ada satu picture nih mcm x muat space kalu tekap so aku cubalahh lukis...tak susah pun, so dah siap tuh aku saja tunjuk Z, tanya dia rasa2nya nih gambar ape...jawapannya ialah

'laaaaaa, aku ingatkan muka teddy bear'.

huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! terus aku padam lukisan itu...ape nih, gambar tulang belakang ada rupa teddy bear ke???

hmm, meh bukak cerita zaman kanak2...ingat lagi dulu masa skolah menengah ada satu buku autograph kena siapkan utk kelas seni. ok, aku pun seronokla sediakan satu section utk family. bagi ma abah, all the siblings termasukla abang ngah untuk tulis ke ape...mentang2 dia pandai melukis, nak tahu dia lukis ape?

huuuuuu, gambar aku dari pandangan atas...pastu caption

'gambar tak nampak kaki'

kononnye kalu tgk dari atas x nmpk kaki sbb gemukkk (mana adaaaa pun!!) . jahat tak? jahat tak?

2. smalam aku main netball. joined KUAM netball challenge..team kitorang nih punyelaaa lepak, practise sehari sebelum jeh..tuh pun players cukup2..haha, pastu oklah. dah agak dah mesti akan ada this team yg sangatlaaaa suka-nak-menang. nak menang jeh takpe, tp main ganas x hingat. sepak karang!
pastu nak jadi cerita, aku paired up dgn budak from that team yg dah diketahui kisah suka-pegang2-org-pastu-main-tak-ikut-rules. amendeee lah. mula2 tahan lagi, tp last2 tuh aku dah bengang. i mean-ko nak lari kejar bola ko larilahh, takyahla tangle2 kat aku. bongek!
pastu nak tau ape aku buat???

hahahahha, bila aku dpt bola and dia nak block aku depan2, aku TOLAK dia suruh dok jauh2 sket...wahkahkahkah!!

tak pernah lg aku mcm tuh...tp puas hati aa rasa..heeee

3. semua org dah buat so aku org yg last tulis buku KIKI tuh..kononnye nak bagi last2 so that takdela dia baca siap2 before naik flight...tp mlm tuh aku demam, so letakla benda alah tuh bawah meja. the next day aku bangun weng2..tak buat ape2 pun, siap2 nak pegi airport...

salam2. sambil tunggu flight,

'mana buku KIKI aku??' -yes, she knew about the book. suprise tak jadik, ok!

1st thing-blank. and then

'alamakkkkkk, aku lupe'

My say?

deleted.

Till next time

is that it?
ok, try again..

i dont find pleasure in writing here anymore. i've kept too much to myself, there's nothing to tell here. sorry yeah, i find it really really hard to leave a print here now. i've too much pride in me to admit and i believe my sorrow isnt to be bared here.

thats why i rarely updates nowadays. i believe if i am to share, i'd like it to be my happiness. when i am contently smiling from the lingering joy..it can be as small as get-together with the girlfriends or sms from family... sadly though, the positive vibes are not as much. to admit that i'm afraid to be high is not an overstatement. for so many times, i fell down harder. i dont want to go thru the same thing again. i'd rather be little-lower-than neutral so that if i fall, it doesnt cause much pain.

in one of the classes, tutor taught
'the reason why someone stays in bad thing because of its predictability. for example, a wife would rather stay with her abusive husband because she can predicts what's gonna happen every night. she'll get hurt but she already knows that, so she doesnt have to worry about what's gonna happen.
the reason why someone leave good things because its too anxiety provoking. the person doesnt know when it will lasts, so he/she will end up leaving the job/person because he/she would rather lose it now than having to bear the uncertainties and waiting for it to end.'

an eye-opener for me. it makes sense. for someone like me, i find it easier to do the latter. when i was a kid, whenever i wanted something i would make sure i got it there and then. i told u i didnt have much patience. as i grew up, i learnt that if i cant have it through my wish, i could work my way out. sometimes it worked by good grades so that i could earned my rewards.

later, i learnt that the evil is hope. when there's no hope, i wouldnt anticipate as much. or in fact stop anticipating. so i learnt to give up hope. no grudges whatsoever, my sole intention was to eliminate hope. instead of me waiting, i chose to leave it there. i did that again with my parents last night.

on a lighter note, i am aiming to lose 5kg for my 3012. ok, lets add that to the wishlist.

erm, it feels good to write again.

Warning

This fella is irritable, grumpy, moody, non-sense, difficult and handful.

So long, farewell...

she's leaving today. too bad i'm down with bug, otherwise i would've been able to write more affectionately. not the best time.

To my dearest

ABAH,

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

may Allah bless you..i hope we, your children will be able to make you feel happy and contented as how you've made us, with all your love and prayers. miss you so..

Day 4

(pictures removed)

Lucky last. Great Ocean Road. Joined the tour, heaps of fun. but the best part were the unexpected stops...Koala & native birds, rainforest, to name a few. and i've always known that this place is the landmark of melb, so worth experiencing for 2nd (and 3rd, 4th) time. Beautiful!

so, thats about it .. getaway in Melb for winter...anyone coming next year?

Day 3

(pictures removed)

Snow experience in Mount Buller.
i. Before snap snap
' jap jap...tudungggg aku'
'heeee dia nih, tudung ko mmg takleh nak ditolong dahh..hahahaa'

ii. After snap snap
'tengok tengok..nmpk gemuk tak??'
'hahah, semua org nmpk gemukla dlm gambar nih...jgn risau'

..two funny incidents on the way back. Instructor jual minyak dekat budak blakang seats ktrg dlm bus *sengal sengal* and Glen Waverley, mis-SMSed as Mount Waverley. poor the two who had to pick us up from the station
'kejap aku check...aku dah sms dah kak S ckp kita turun kat Glen W..eehhhhhh, aku tgh mamai nih masa tunngu kak S reply SMS. aku ingat aku dah tulis Glen W, tp aku pegi type Mount W..'
'aaaaaaa?? gillerrr aaa ko..LOL'

Day 2

(pictures removed)


Road trip to ballarat. A joined as the honourable driver *rolled eyes* went to Sovereign H!ll & widlife park... hahaha, pardon us for so many cacat photos...most momentous would be 'backstreet boy(and girls)', iklan kereta and aksi bersama kangaroo.. we were all acting like kids .. heaps of laugh
'huhhh, tak larat nak amik gambar kuda dahh aihh'
'ntahnye hang, asal lalu je amik..asal lalu jeh amik.'
later, didnt feel like calling the day off so we wandered around (in the car) to find a good spot for sunset. iyelah sangat, bersnap-snap belah sini, matahari belah sana...
'haaa, keta tak hidup..'
'tuhlaaa...nak sangat ambik gambar kan?? ambikkklaaaa...sampai keta hidup balik'
hahaha, saje jehh buat lawak basi kat tmpt takde org tuh..takleh start betul2 barula naya..and then dinner kat Bismi...
road trip, enjoyed the experiences at our own pace.very nice;)

Day 1

(pictures removed)

where the journey begun. city. chillier than expected. 1st Fitzroy garden where the 'aksi org malaysia datang melb buat tunjuk perasaan kat atas jalan' captured hillariously (haha, that one will be a good blackmail!!). snap snap, lotsa eye-rolling scenes...miniatures, waterfall, girrafe swing, dragon slide..
'cepat, cepat...nak Smith St plak nih'
"tuh diaaaa, tak sabar dahh nak shopping..'
'haah, otak aku takleh nak focus dah nih'
'hahahahha, cheehhhhhh..'
our fave's, Nike and Roxy. couldnt resist the temptation to splurge (a little bit). pick pick, hihih. seriously, take away some sanity from me and i'll end up with bigger bags..until
'adeihhhh, pala aku dah pening..ada nak carik pape lg ke?? laparrr dah nih..'
'haaa, tuhlaa...aku pun dah mabuk dahh tgk baju2 nih...jom jom carik makan...'
Skewer's ...mak aihhh, mcm nak meletup mkn kebab combo tuh...singgah RMIT solat. then carik Yarra cruise. hahahahha, buat keje gila pegi tawaf flinders st sampai nak patah kaki, pasal konon nak carik ticket yg lagi murah tp alih2 end up kat tmpt yg sama tuh jugak...record 20 mins pusing city...hahah. atas boat tuh, sejukkk..boleh pulak sign 'ship' boleh ingat 'shark'..gile lawak. dah nak beku kat williamstown, patah balik pegi city naik train. kat crown, sakan lepak kat walt disney's shop. snap snap again.
'aku dah cuak dah, org kat kedai tuh tgk2..mesti dia kata budak2 nih dok pegang2 bukannye nak beli'
..hihihih...jln2 tgk itu ini (sesat skettt), jomlah balik....

The last of 4..

Worm. no complex structures, just instinct. eat, shit, crawl. simplicity. deadly simplicity. it does what it's programmed to do and then check outs.
Dig!tal F0rtress

highly recommended, this one.

*Wink*

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

hey hey..
it's Alysha's birthday!! may Allah bless you with all the happiness you deserved in life. i hope things are going great for you, both studies and wedding preparation. hehe...take care ok!

The day i know i CAN'T do child psychiatric

it's too heart-wrenching for me. it reminded me so much of him.

i was after a case study for psych and T was the best candidate, said the doctor. the moment i was showed to T , i thought of him. few years older but went through similar drama in life. i saw him in T. the pain. the confusion. the fear. the lost. almost everything.

more than once, i lost words because i was caught up in my own thought. i kept on talking, while all i wanted to do was actually give T a hug and said that everything will be fine. later, i went to read T's notes and had it not be i was in the ward, i would've cried.

later when the doctor said
' try to put yourself in his shoes, how would you felt?'
i dont have to imagine that doctor, because i've been dealing with one for the past 4 years. with him.

its not something i can bear to look at everyday.

Sneak preview

Of my little away the past week, I will let the highly-welcomed guest update first..

p/s In a meantime, there are things i need to take care of. period.

Self-treat at Sofia's

aku habiskan ini..lepas itu, aku tolong I habiskan dia punya pasta jugak..haaa, baru ternganga korang tgk aku makannn.. ini barula namanya aku makan dgn betul2..

sudahla, aku takleh tido nih..kenyang nak pengsan!

Who i want to meet the most (after the parents)?

Hello my darlings!
tunggu cik N balik ok!

Comforting thought...

Tomorrow morning, S will be here for a week or so. glad she's coming and hope everything turn out good for this one. and then basically

Sept: fasting month.
Oct: Aidilfitri celebration.
Nov: MED 4071 & VIA exam.
Dec: flying home

so, 3 months is nothing.

last but not least, thanks F for the hugs this morning.

Nothing to do with THAT wedding..

my cousin-cum-childhood-fren. she's getting married tonight. the reception will be tomorrow. everyone's home now. all my siblings. the whole BIG family are back in town. i cant imagine how our house accomodates. mesti kecohhh...

this is the 2nd wedding i missed since i came here. both are my closest cousins. well, something i have to pay for being away. i'm not complaining, but i will surely kill strangle A if he decided to get married without my presence. dont u dare!

to W and husband, Selamat Pengantin Baru. May Allah bless you and have an everlasting love. I will pray for your happiness, insya Allah.


ps/ rakan2 SSP & IB, Alfatihah utk nenek Z!la yg telah pulang ke rahmatullah. Innalillah...

Shivers down the spine

Tuhanku ampunkanlah segala dosaku
Tuhanku maafkanlah kejahilan hambaMu

Ku sering melanggar laranganMu
Dalam sedar ataupun tidak
Ku sering meninggalkan suruhanMu
Walau sedar aku milikMu

Bilakah diri ini kan kembali
Kepada fitrah sebenar
Pagi kuingat petang kualpa
Begitulah silih berganti

Oh Tuhanku kau pimpinlah diri ini
Yang mendamba cintaMu
Aku lemah aku jahil
Tanpa pimpinan dariMu

Kau pengasih Kau penyayang
Kepada hamba-hambaMu
Selangkah ku kepadaMu
Seribu langkah Kau padaku

Ku sering berjanji di hadapanMu
Ku sering jua memungkiri
Ku pernah menangis keranaMu
Kemudian ketawa semula

Kutakut kepadaMu
Ku mengharap jua padaMu
Mogakukan selamat dunia akhirat
Seperti Rasul dan sahabat..

was reminded after reading D's blog.

From the book..

I looked up into the sky. The violet had sunk into a pitchy dusk and birds sat higgled on the telephone wire that swept from the house opposite to the cave of mine. 'Life goes on" so many peopla has said that to me. Yes, life ------ well goes on but what if you dont want to? what if you want to arrest it, stop it, or even battle againts the currrent into a past you dont want to be past? "you'll get over it" that was another. but i didnt want to get over it. i didnt want to become used to the fact that he'd died. that was the last thing i wanted.
~After you'd gone~



ps/ Today i have a birthday invitation for kak S's kids. Its one of the interesting things i have or gather here, my circle of frens are no longer of 20's only. i make good frens with a lot more others, ppl who are here for post-grads...with family or alone. i like the fact that age difference between us are no longer there the minute we started to converse. anyway back to the invitation, me and Z (another Z) decided to wear baju kurung. our first time for this year here. rindu nak pakai baju kurung sebenarnye..

Out of the blue moon..

I was reading John M's General Practise and came across this

'physical growth is not painful, but emotional growth can hurt like hell'
Apley

how true. sometimes i'm scared that i may have grown up too much. and being who i am, it's like people can see right through me. they can see/say straight away how i'm doing, despite my effort to be usual.

The F's...

I miss my Family very much, it turns into pain. not even patience soothe me. its like when i really really want something, but i know i can never get it. it crushes me bits by bits. having to deal with the external pressure at the same time double up everything. one day, i crumbled. hard. that night, i really wish they will be in my dream, to ease up the heartache.

When that happened, i anticipated another F would come to rescue me offer a hand. Friends. but sadly, it didnt really. the frustration turned into anguish, and in no time felt betrayed. all this while, i have learnt to stand on my own, giving without expecting. but just for this one, i hope and hope failed me. to be honest, i never plan to burden ppl up with how and why i felt. i know not everyone's comfortable to listen and some just dont want to feel disturbed with whatever 've gotta tell. besides, how certain am i that i've been a good one to receive back? erm, this sounds bitter.

In the end, HE prove that i gives and receives from different person. i am back to stand on my own.

Drama in GP..

i love sitting with CS. she's really erm, 'cheeky' and straight-forward. full of facial expression too.

1. this lady. living in the dark for heart attack, no thanks to her chimney-smoking, overweight and high blood pressure. she refused to stop smoking and i think CS just ran out tricks to persuade her to change some of the lifestyle issue. last resort, CS asked about diabetes in her family and hit it! i thought she got 'scared' a bit and blurted

'i used to like u, C'

of course, jokingly. we (me and CS) just had to laugh.

2. i told CS that i need to find a patient for my chronic illness study. she thought this gentleman would be a good one, providing he talks to no end (???) and is one hell of a survivor. as she's about to get him from the waiting room , shoved me the list of past medical history, my eyes just went wide open and sub-consciously said

' this is too longg!!'


and CS, being who she is ..told the patient towards the end of the consultation

'you know..S(me) and i were talking about finding a patient for a case study and i thought you would be a good choice. but when she looked at your past history, she had a small fit..'

ngaaaaaa...malu!

3. later i was in MY's consulation room. A boy came with a swollen thumb. oh my, that was me 4 years ago. my first month in melb, had first handball experience with the other girls and someone got 'too excited' and rush towards me. swollen and throbbed, but i thought nothing's serious. put up with it for 3 weeks, even joined a netball tournament with it. meanwhile, i was so scared to let my mum knew cos i dont wanna get scolded for being so careless again (i had bad episode of fractured elbow back in 1995) and i dont want her to stop me from playing sports. somehow, a fren persuaded me to go and check with the doctor and Xray showed a fractured thumb. yes, after 3 weeks of ignoring the bulky thumb. nothing much can be done at that stage obviously, but i think it got back to almost normal now. erm, come to think of it...i've had very similar injury with my middle finger during basketball craze but again, i ignored and it painfully healed itself. as A said

'tulang ko nih macam sotong...'

hampehh!

As I pick myself up again...

Bertali arus dugaan tiba
Menakung sebak airmata
Namun tak pernah pun setitis
Gugur berderai di pipi

Tidak ditempah hidup sengsara
Suratan nasib yang melanda
Menongkah badai bergelora
Diredah bersendirian

Bagaikan camar pulang senja
Patah sayapnya tetap terbang jua
Sekadar secicip rezeki
Buat yang sedang rindu menanti

Segenggam tabah dipertahankan
Buat bekalan di perjalanan
Kau ubat luka yang berdarah
Kau balut hati yang calar

Telah tertulis suratan nasibmu
Derita buatmu ada hikmahnya
Terlukis senyum di bibir lesu
Tak siapa tahu hatimu

Biarpun keruh air di hulu
Mungkinkah jernih di muara
Biarpun jenuh hidup dipalu
Pasti bertemu tenangnya

Thanks P, for this reminder some time ago.

Shout out

Happy Birthday to my dearest Adik...eventhough you always made my blood go upstairs, i love you still. also despite our 7-years differences,do you know that you are pretty good at acting big sister??? hihihi. i love you, Adik!

i rarely talk/write about Adik here, maybe because i wasnt that close to her in my early days. she's more kamceng to Kak. we are only good at adegan gusti sparring =D in real life some people thought i'm the youngest. friends and distant relatives. no, i am not.

ps/ today in the religious center at campus, 2 ppl were in a middle of a talk. i looked at one of the girls and have a gut feeling that i may have met her in the past. 10% sure, so i chose to ignore. later after prayer, she approached me and asked the routine question.
'Budak SSP ke?'

(ok, rightttttt) 'Haah..hmm, SSP jugak ke?

' haah..nampak familiar tadi.'
So she's actually kak H, from Ruby (Batch 9498- just a year ahead of us) and doing Masters in Law here. apology for my short term memory, i had to ask for her name. we quickly change contact no as i need to rush off. maybe i could invite her to our place next time for some gala time.

From mum to daughter

-Nobody tells you what you can and can't do-
Decept!on Po!nt.

When i am suppose to study..

Disclaimer: this is a very disturbing entry. Most welcome to not read it.

i felt so demotivated and disturbed. with the study, with everything. i ran and hide under the quilt. i cried hard. i havent been in this state for a while. in between the sobs, i wished for my family. i missed home and i cried harder. i felt so hopeless and i cried harder. i couldnt sleep either because of the nap. i cried and cried but i dont feel any better. so here i am, eyes puffed up and venting.

i hate to say this: where are the ones who i have been there for all the good or bad, but fail to do the same? i dont bother around the superficial's, but what happened to the ones who claim real's. the angel side of me try to convince that they might want to give some time and space to cool myself down, but the evil side simply say that they are turning selfish and afraid to play the role. to be honest, i am more incline to believe the latter. i am that negative , no suprise! whatever the reason could be, i dont care anymore. go chicken out all you like . but dont get mad if i dont seem to offer the same as i used to do.

Lecture note?

sources: Z's note pad

This reminds me and L. we used to do this, especially during account class in 5I. hehehe, but we wrote so much more than this...

Ehemmm...

Y: haaaa teringat plak
S: ye
Y: errr nak mintak resepi mee kari laaa
Y: nak makan tp x berani nak buat
S: duh!
Y: tp tuh
Ybila2 free la
Y: bukan skarang pun takpe
S: nnt kami mskkn laa
S: sebbaik bagi tau awal
S: nak pi bli lauk2 japgi
Y: alamakkk ye kee *blush icon* (kononnnn, padahal dah terlompat2 suka)
S: siapkan mee je
S: kami masakkan kuah
Y: hihi

oleh itu, salah siapa kalau aku masih tak pandai masak???hehehe, orang kata rezeki jangan ditolakkk kan? kan? kan? ...

yeayyy yeayyy!!

Of The Plan and Book

I called up this morning and managed to talk to both of them. yesss, definitely she's as euphoric as i am upon hearing the plan. good relief!! ..hihihihih, its such a GREAT feeling to hear her sounds all happy and giggly this morning...after all the worry i've thrown to her earlier this year, she deserved to know that i am and will be doing ok over here. as for him, always full of plan and idea for me... i soooo cant waitt!!

I finished reading just now. i've been taking longer time than usual, so i decided to read the remaining half in a go and i managed. now, i'm a bit dizzy. but heck, here's

LOVE AFTER LOVE
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at each other's welcome,

and say, sit here.Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you.

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photoographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life
-Derek Walc0tt-
The Time Traveler's Wife