My Darling...

We were waiting for my brother outside the mall, me leaning againts the handphone billboard

Me: abang, abang..cantik tak nih? (pointing to a beautiful model on the advert)

Him: tak cantik...cik nur cantik!!

Me & his mum: *bewildered*

Him: adik adik...tak cantik kan yang nih ( pointing to the advert again..) cik nur cantik kan?

No, i totally didnt see it coming but that was really2 sweet of him.hehe..

If that wasnt enough, hear this out...

We were playing around in the room..lying on the small bed together with my sis in law when suddenly he turned to me and hugged

"saya love you...'

It caught me off guard...

his mum: APEEE?? abang tak pernah pun cakap kat mama macam tuh..mama je ckp kat abg ..ini first time abg pegi cakap kat cik nur *mocking a mad face*

teeeeheeee=D

And whenever we go shopping together, he would always pick a shoe for me to try and goes

"cantiknnyyeeeeeee...'

Thanks for letting me down.

I'm done.

Spectrum...

As i started to work through the night, it struck my heart to see parents of HIV patients sleeping on the floor beralaskan papers or small mat while taking care of their dying son. Their flesh and blood who might never try to re-pay their sacrifices all the while, let alone to become a good citizent. These people whom we detest and look at in disgust for what they've done to destroy their own life-and yet unconditional love never dies. These mother or father have my biggest respect.

And today,


An old man from the old folks house, having no children. struggling to take ablution and perform his prayers (shame on some of us who take this obligation for granted!), ate the hospital meal in hunger. It crushed my heart, this one. I wish i could do more than what i've done to help him. I wish real hard.

*cry*

Happiness

So?

I know it's gonna sound soooo funny if i say that i am enjoying me work at the moments..not exactly funny as in funny, but there's no better vocab i could think of to describe ( that reminds me to read more...)

to reflect back how much tears i poured and resentment i felt towards this job, it's a relief to everyone that i could be at this phase where there's no longer meek long-faced sad-looking girl but the bubbly and let's get-going one. one or two frens still teased me over how miserable i was in month 1 and two, expressing their suprise how much i've changed. hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping gets going!

No lah..

It's not all rosy in this medical dept..i'm still one of the least knowledgeable and skillfull first-poster housemen..i still got weak-kneed whenever patient collapse or when lesson learnt the hard way but i've been able to move on past them...it haunted for fear of getting through mortality audit but what else could i do as i dwell?

Small things?

Like these one maybe..

-My team has been putting up this target every morning to work fast and aim to go home as the clock strikes five. it sounded a bit ambitious for some days, isn't it but that's what keep us going for the day? To have someone to rely on and work hand in hand makes a huge difference for this kind of job.

-To be acknowledged for a quick (and sometimes re-correct the) management of the patients..it totally sucks when i first started and nothing in my management includes drugs treatment but now, at least i've got a fair bit.

-Working in public hospital means doing hands-on experiences. It scared me shit but after a while, hey this could be fun! provided i got good supervision and back-up team..heheh

-Also working in Malaysia means text book cases. A LOT! while i could be struggling and regretting myself for not studying hard before, it's high time to revise and managing the cases themselves makes it a lot more easier to learn. what a life-long!

-I still slept from 8-6 at times (wake up only for isyak) but other than that, i've got a good bunch of colleague to hang out and enjoy good dinner prior.

I'm going to KL for a very very short escape. I'm on call on thursday, my flight's on friday noon..coming back on saturday night and on call again on sunday..i'm willing for this arrangement cos it's all up to me to do my little shopping find my little happiness.. so if u happen to be in shah alam on friday night, why not give me a buzz?

Things in my list so far

-find a comfy loafer as my legs' been aching eversince i started working..
-handphone as a gift to self? havent decide on which one yet.
-i need to find a replacement to my laptop as this one will be passed down to my sister. i still havent decide on which one either.

truly fickle-minded.

Looking forward to be in KL..

yeay!

Heart-melting!

One
Mama: abang, dalam keluarga kita ada siapa?
Him: papa, mama, abang, adik, ciknur...
Mama: heh, ciknur tuh bukan keluarga kita..dia keluarga kembangan kita...
Him: ciknur keluarga kita.
(he still disagree..)
Him: *sad face* mama, perut abang penuh dgn air..dah nak bocor nih..(eyes welled up. cue that he's about to cry)

Two
Him: mama, abang nak balik kampung. nak tidur dgn ciknur..

(did i tell you he's the one to open my car door after work and excitedly drag me to play with him during previous school holiday)

Three
He wanted to talk to me two days in a row. on the second day's phone call

Him: cik nur......datang sini, datang sini, datang sini, datang sini (repeatedly..)

prior to the phone call, his mother picked him up from kindergarten and he went..

'Mana ciknur?'

ahhh, my darling 5 year old baby. here i come next weekend!

It's time..

to say

'whatever...just do it..'

sorry yeah, for the long hiatus. i've lost track who read and who doesn't anymore...one or two popped up after a long silence, i welcomed.heheh..

i guess (and really hope) i've reached the point of treshold and the journey after this would be bearable and smoother. finger-crossed. i know i was all low for the past 2 month but i'm not a quitter. at times, i do get moments of self-satisfaction and appreciation from others but i might've overlooked them.

there're a lot of humbling experiences that put me in silence for a while and reminded me of how grateful i should be.

but deep inside i know part of this turning point came from a casual talk i had with a senior colleague where i took his words as a challenge. i hope i'll win it and prove him wrong. oh, i know he meant well and wanted me to try a little harder.

ok, let's talk about something more fun. i've got my first pay 2 weeks ago worth of 2 months (and from the extra figure, i think they've miscalculated,hahaha ) and i seriously dont know how to spend the money here it's time to celebrate with the darlings...so u've got to wait till i'm in town for some lunch or dinner, ok? one or two will get the priviledge to pick one item and let me pay for it..who? mestilah secret;)

truth is,

-i wish to go to KL and splurge my money pamper myself. i wanna go shopping...i wanna go karaoke-ing, i wanna go movie-watching..i wanna do everything fun under the sun..

-i wish to buy myself something from the first pay but i'm not sure which one should come first. phone vs laptop vs watch..neither is necessity though. out of the thought that i shuld present myself wif something i hardly earned..blood and tears. on a crazy note, beli tiga2 boley?

-i wish to buy a stackful of good books and indulge in them, literally.

-i wish to have someone whom i could call at odd hours and sought comfort. better still, who would (instinctively) call me up and ensure me that i'll be ok..who are willing to go extra miles for me ( i know i'd do the same..)confession made, who will share the same feeling and brings out the best in me...

to those who've been answering my calls and replying my sms for the past 2 months, i heart you all!