reminder

A little reminder

'Dan apabila hamba-hambakKU bertanyamu mengenai Aku maka(beritahu kepada mereka): sesunnguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia berdoa kepadaKu. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruanKU (dengan mematuhi perintahKu), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepadaKu supaya mereka menjadi baik dan betul'
1:186

all of us should always remember this. no matter how hard it is, no matter how low we feel. just think, how lucky we are to have HIM to turn to? when other people are struggling alone, our hands meet and we pray.

Today

I am going to see GP for my blood test result. i dont really know what to expect. in fact, i dont really wanna know. too much going on to bear another one. its nice to live in ignorance. scared? understatement.

before i forget, can anyone who would like to receive kad raya to give me the address? YM or friendster. maybe up until next week.

UPDATE (5pm)

Alhamdulillah, the blood test result came back normal, apart from borderline low T3. i wonder whether i can pointdown at that for my depression-like symptoms. heh, escapism. eventhough i act sound non-chalant, i cried over my anxiety whenever i thought about this ordeal. especially yesterday. but that's the past now. all i need to do now is cancel the ultrasound appointment and repeat the bloodtest in 2 month's time. A suggested me to take more salt. iodinised salt to boost up the hormone level. i think i will. who knows, it helps with my slimming down programme as well. u know, thyroid hormone and metabolism. heh, crap.

anyhow, i walked out of the clinic with lighter head and better feeling. alhamdulillah.

Harapan Ramadhan

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
Kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat kulalui
Dengan sempurna

Selangkah demi selangkah
Setahun sudah pun berlalu
Masa yang pantas berlalu
Hingga tak terasa ku berada
Di bulan Ramadhan semula

Puasa satu amalan
Sebagaimana yang diperintahNya
Moga dapat ku lenturkan
Nafsu yang selalu membelenggu diri
Tiada henti-henti

Tak ingin ku biarkan Ramadhan berlalu saja
Tuhan pimpinlah daku yang lemah
Mengharungi segalanya dengan sabar
Ku memohon pada Tuhan diberikan kekuatan
Ku merayu pada Tuhan diterima amalan

Selangkah demi selangkah...
Dengan rahmatMu oh Tuhanku...
Ku tempuh jua

Day 1

Somehow, it didnt feel quite right. I did what i need to do without hesitation, put ego aside. Day went on pretty quick. Not much of waiting for breaking fast. Delusioned about pasar ramadhan to cheer up a bit. Terawikh n tadarus as usual, alhamdulillah.

Listen to her grief saddened me. Think of what i did dissapointed me. Submit myself to HIM relieved me.

'Perkara yang benar ialah yang datang dari Tuhanmu. Maka jangan sekali-kali engkau menjadi dari orang-orang yang ragu-ragu'
(2:60)

Salam Ramadhan

Selamat berpuasa kepada semua. hmm, awal pagi tadi rasa sayu bila ingat esok nak puasa. too much to handle at the moment.

For this holy month, I pray for strength. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for patience. I pray for solitude. I pray for blessing. I pray for guidance.

I surrender myself to HIM, for HE knows me best.

seikhlas hati, minta maaf kepada semua.

More than ever

deleted

For today only..

- Both my GP tutors made me promised to go and see doctor tomorrow. hmmm, kisahnya macam nih..as far as i can remember, say since 13 years old a lot of ppl have been commenting on my neck. goitre or lumpy neck. since it didnt bother me much, i ignored it. came to melb & learnt about thyroid and stuff, still i dont see any point of checking it out. its like there's no symptom so i dont wanna make a big of fuss about it. ok, it got a bit more noticeable whenever i'm struggling but thats about it. so it's been there for years...
this year, i noticed a small bump on the side of the lump. still, i didnt do anything, yeah, tell me about bad medical student. i thought if it's bad, i should be able to notice the changes to my body..

so today, i casually asked my GP tutor (CS) to have a look. the moment she saw it, she knew.

'Have you seen the doc about this'
*grin and shook my head*
'Have you had it checked? blood test?'
*grin and explained abit..shook my head again*
'When was the last time you have the ultrasound/CT scan (not even sure which one)?'
*grin and shook my head*
'Who's treating you at the moment about the thyroid?'
*grin and shook my head*

omg, i'm bad. CS had this 'unbelievable' look and started on how more-than-necessary for me to get it check..erkk, i'm out of defense lines. as i thought that was it, she told the next GP (MY ) whom i sat with later of the day. so, they are going to check on me next week whether i've done all the necessary. oh my, as if they can read my mind contemplating to postpone it to week after i finish my case study report. *innocent grin*

-I decided to find another case study (refer line above). the deadline is week after next so i'm suprised how composed i am now. kinda putting it at risk but i guess i just have to do it. i know the previous one is not a bad choice but when teenager's involved in mental health, there are so many aspect i need to cover so i'm not that comfortable to write it up. this decision came up after discussion with CS, as she might have noticed how unsettled and not-performing i was these few weeks. so i decided to give it another go tommorow so that i can work on it over the weekend. *pray hard*

i guess i'll be fine tomorrow. for both of the above.

Turning 9

Hello handsome boy,

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

May Allah bless you. I hope you'll grow up and become a good man. I wish for all your happiness and love you always...

Hugs,
Cik N.

About changes

'In the therapy, we use thought to change the feeling. Generally, when they are feeling down, they tend to generalised things. "i always have this, i always fail to.." they use always very often and negative thinking occupies their head. slowly when it keeps on being repeated in their mind, it sounds valid. so what we need to do is challenge the thinking. "Is it always..., ?" "haven't u ever achieved something" the they'll start to think and say " aaaa, not always..there are times when.." then they realise how much they've achieved so far.
-Tutorial-

it's not easy. i can say that because i've been at both ends. i know that when we're feeling down and dump, nothing sounds right. we just want things to go our way, no matter what. fair enough, everybody has desires. the frustration, the angst, the sadness....they block the mind.

also, listening to strong emotions are tough. there are times when i, myself feel hopeless. it takes understanding that the person isnt shoving us away whenever they disagree or left the conversation, but they are just too miserable. fair enough. i try really hard not to give false hopes, thats why sometimes my words can be a little bit not-of-what-they-wanna-hear. i dunno, its a juggle between giving consolation and bringing them back to reality. the best i can do is really, listen.

My YM status written as

'Belum puasa, sudah dapat biskut raya =D'

hehehehe, sukeeee...
ini daripada kak S, my darling sis in law. baru harituh sms mintak address, and then another sms this week utk bagitau dah poskan. tup2 bila sampai rumah tgh hari td, dah dpt parcel. alamakkk, so happy ;)

happy sebab dapat sesuatu tanpa diminta. tambah happy sebab sms yang berbunyi

-I sent 2 boxes. dapat dua2 dah? habiskan..nanti kak S hantar lagi-


ladidaaaa, tart nenas for dessert in Ramadhan...

Mari bercerita..

1. minggu ini turn aku utk prepare notes anatomy for the group. uhukkk, aku tak reti melukis..tak tipu, lukisan aku yg paling cantik adalah orang lidi dan rumah kotak..nak tahu ape aku buat??nyehnyehnyeh, aku tekap segala gambar yg penting...ok, lepas tuh ada satu picture nih mcm x muat space kalu tekap so aku cubalahh lukis...tak susah pun, so dah siap tuh aku saja tunjuk Z, tanya dia rasa2nya nih gambar ape...jawapannya ialah

'laaaaaa, aku ingatkan muka teddy bear'.

huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! terus aku padam lukisan itu...ape nih, gambar tulang belakang ada rupa teddy bear ke???

hmm, meh bukak cerita zaman kanak2...ingat lagi dulu masa skolah menengah ada satu buku autograph kena siapkan utk kelas seni. ok, aku pun seronokla sediakan satu section utk family. bagi ma abah, all the siblings termasukla abang ngah untuk tulis ke ape...mentang2 dia pandai melukis, nak tahu dia lukis ape?

huuuuuu, gambar aku dari pandangan atas...pastu caption

'gambar tak nampak kaki'

kononnye kalu tgk dari atas x nmpk kaki sbb gemukkk (mana adaaaa pun!!) . jahat tak? jahat tak?

2. smalam aku main netball. joined KUAM netball challenge..team kitorang nih punyelaaa lepak, practise sehari sebelum jeh..tuh pun players cukup2..haha, pastu oklah. dah agak dah mesti akan ada this team yg sangatlaaaa suka-nak-menang. nak menang jeh takpe, tp main ganas x hingat. sepak karang!
pastu nak jadi cerita, aku paired up dgn budak from that team yg dah diketahui kisah suka-pegang2-org-pastu-main-tak-ikut-rules. amendeee lah. mula2 tahan lagi, tp last2 tuh aku dah bengang. i mean-ko nak lari kejar bola ko larilahh, takyahla tangle2 kat aku. bongek!
pastu nak tau ape aku buat???

hahahahha, bila aku dpt bola and dia nak block aku depan2, aku TOLAK dia suruh dok jauh2 sket...wahkahkahkah!!

tak pernah lg aku mcm tuh...tp puas hati aa rasa..heeee

3. semua org dah buat so aku org yg last tulis buku KIKI tuh..kononnye nak bagi last2 so that takdela dia baca siap2 before naik flight...tp mlm tuh aku demam, so letakla benda alah tuh bawah meja. the next day aku bangun weng2..tak buat ape2 pun, siap2 nak pegi airport...

salam2. sambil tunggu flight,

'mana buku KIKI aku??' -yes, she knew about the book. suprise tak jadik, ok!

1st thing-blank. and then

'alamakkkkkk, aku lupe'

My say?

deleted.

Till next time

is that it?
ok, try again..

i dont find pleasure in writing here anymore. i've kept too much to myself, there's nothing to tell here. sorry yeah, i find it really really hard to leave a print here now. i've too much pride in me to admit and i believe my sorrow isnt to be bared here.

thats why i rarely updates nowadays. i believe if i am to share, i'd like it to be my happiness. when i am contently smiling from the lingering joy..it can be as small as get-together with the girlfriends or sms from family... sadly though, the positive vibes are not as much. to admit that i'm afraid to be high is not an overstatement. for so many times, i fell down harder. i dont want to go thru the same thing again. i'd rather be little-lower-than neutral so that if i fall, it doesnt cause much pain.

in one of the classes, tutor taught
'the reason why someone stays in bad thing because of its predictability. for example, a wife would rather stay with her abusive husband because she can predicts what's gonna happen every night. she'll get hurt but she already knows that, so she doesnt have to worry about what's gonna happen.
the reason why someone leave good things because its too anxiety provoking. the person doesnt know when it will lasts, so he/she will end up leaving the job/person because he/she would rather lose it now than having to bear the uncertainties and waiting for it to end.'

an eye-opener for me. it makes sense. for someone like me, i find it easier to do the latter. when i was a kid, whenever i wanted something i would make sure i got it there and then. i told u i didnt have much patience. as i grew up, i learnt that if i cant have it through my wish, i could work my way out. sometimes it worked by good grades so that i could earned my rewards.

later, i learnt that the evil is hope. when there's no hope, i wouldnt anticipate as much. or in fact stop anticipating. so i learnt to give up hope. no grudges whatsoever, my sole intention was to eliminate hope. instead of me waiting, i chose to leave it there. i did that again with my parents last night.

on a lighter note, i am aiming to lose 5kg for my 3012. ok, lets add that to the wishlist.

erm, it feels good to write again.

Warning

This fella is irritable, grumpy, moody, non-sense, difficult and handful.

So long, farewell...

she's leaving today. too bad i'm down with bug, otherwise i would've been able to write more affectionately. not the best time.

To my dearest

ABAH,

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

may Allah bless you..i hope we, your children will be able to make you feel happy and contented as how you've made us, with all your love and prayers. miss you so..

Day 4

(pictures removed)

Lucky last. Great Ocean Road. Joined the tour, heaps of fun. but the best part were the unexpected stops...Koala & native birds, rainforest, to name a few. and i've always known that this place is the landmark of melb, so worth experiencing for 2nd (and 3rd, 4th) time. Beautiful!

so, thats about it .. getaway in Melb for winter...anyone coming next year?

Day 3

(pictures removed)

Snow experience in Mount Buller.
i. Before snap snap
' jap jap...tudungggg aku'
'heeee dia nih, tudung ko mmg takleh nak ditolong dahh..hahahaa'

ii. After snap snap
'tengok tengok..nmpk gemuk tak??'
'hahah, semua org nmpk gemukla dlm gambar nih...jgn risau'

..two funny incidents on the way back. Instructor jual minyak dekat budak blakang seats ktrg dlm bus *sengal sengal* and Glen Waverley, mis-SMSed as Mount Waverley. poor the two who had to pick us up from the station
'kejap aku check...aku dah sms dah kak S ckp kita turun kat Glen W..eehhhhhh, aku tgh mamai nih masa tunngu kak S reply SMS. aku ingat aku dah tulis Glen W, tp aku pegi type Mount W..'
'aaaaaaa?? gillerrr aaa ko..LOL'

Day 2

(pictures removed)


Road trip to ballarat. A joined as the honourable driver *rolled eyes* went to Sovereign H!ll & widlife park... hahaha, pardon us for so many cacat photos...most momentous would be 'backstreet boy(and girls)', iklan kereta and aksi bersama kangaroo.. we were all acting like kids .. heaps of laugh
'huhhh, tak larat nak amik gambar kuda dahh aihh'
'ntahnye hang, asal lalu je amik..asal lalu jeh amik.'
later, didnt feel like calling the day off so we wandered around (in the car) to find a good spot for sunset. iyelah sangat, bersnap-snap belah sini, matahari belah sana...
'haaa, keta tak hidup..'
'tuhlaaa...nak sangat ambik gambar kan?? ambikkklaaaa...sampai keta hidup balik'
hahaha, saje jehh buat lawak basi kat tmpt takde org tuh..takleh start betul2 barula naya..and then dinner kat Bismi...
road trip, enjoyed the experiences at our own pace.very nice;)

Day 1

(pictures removed)

where the journey begun. city. chillier than expected. 1st Fitzroy garden where the 'aksi org malaysia datang melb buat tunjuk perasaan kat atas jalan' captured hillariously (haha, that one will be a good blackmail!!). snap snap, lotsa eye-rolling scenes...miniatures, waterfall, girrafe swing, dragon slide..
'cepat, cepat...nak Smith St plak nih'
"tuh diaaaa, tak sabar dahh nak shopping..'
'haah, otak aku takleh nak focus dah nih'
'hahahahha, cheehhhhhh..'
our fave's, Nike and Roxy. couldnt resist the temptation to splurge (a little bit). pick pick, hihih. seriously, take away some sanity from me and i'll end up with bigger bags..until
'adeihhhh, pala aku dah pening..ada nak carik pape lg ke?? laparrr dah nih..'
'haaa, tuhlaa...aku pun dah mabuk dahh tgk baju2 nih...jom jom carik makan...'
Skewer's ...mak aihhh, mcm nak meletup mkn kebab combo tuh...singgah RMIT solat. then carik Yarra cruise. hahahahha, buat keje gila pegi tawaf flinders st sampai nak patah kaki, pasal konon nak carik ticket yg lagi murah tp alih2 end up kat tmpt yg sama tuh jugak...record 20 mins pusing city...hahah. atas boat tuh, sejukkk..boleh pulak sign 'ship' boleh ingat 'shark'..gile lawak. dah nak beku kat williamstown, patah balik pegi city naik train. kat crown, sakan lepak kat walt disney's shop. snap snap again.
'aku dah cuak dah, org kat kedai tuh tgk2..mesti dia kata budak2 nih dok pegang2 bukannye nak beli'
..hihihih...jln2 tgk itu ini (sesat skettt), jomlah balik....

The last of 4..

Worm. no complex structures, just instinct. eat, shit, crawl. simplicity. deadly simplicity. it does what it's programmed to do and then check outs.
Dig!tal F0rtress

highly recommended, this one.

*Wink*

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

hey hey..
it's Alysha's birthday!! may Allah bless you with all the happiness you deserved in life. i hope things are going great for you, both studies and wedding preparation. hehe...take care ok!

The day i know i CAN'T do child psychiatric

it's too heart-wrenching for me. it reminded me so much of him.

i was after a case study for psych and T was the best candidate, said the doctor. the moment i was showed to T , i thought of him. few years older but went through similar drama in life. i saw him in T. the pain. the confusion. the fear. the lost. almost everything.

more than once, i lost words because i was caught up in my own thought. i kept on talking, while all i wanted to do was actually give T a hug and said that everything will be fine. later, i went to read T's notes and had it not be i was in the ward, i would've cried.

later when the doctor said
' try to put yourself in his shoes, how would you felt?'
i dont have to imagine that doctor, because i've been dealing with one for the past 4 years. with him.

its not something i can bear to look at everyday.

Sneak preview

Of my little away the past week, I will let the highly-welcomed guest update first..

p/s In a meantime, there are things i need to take care of. period.

Self-treat at Sofia's

aku habiskan ini..lepas itu, aku tolong I habiskan dia punya pasta jugak..haaa, baru ternganga korang tgk aku makannn.. ini barula namanya aku makan dgn betul2..

sudahla, aku takleh tido nih..kenyang nak pengsan!

Who i want to meet the most (after the parents)?

Hello my darlings!
tunggu cik N balik ok!

Comforting thought...

Tomorrow morning, S will be here for a week or so. glad she's coming and hope everything turn out good for this one. and then basically

Sept: fasting month.
Oct: Aidilfitri celebration.
Nov: MED 4071 & VIA exam.
Dec: flying home

so, 3 months is nothing.

last but not least, thanks F for the hugs this morning.

Nothing to do with THAT wedding..

my cousin-cum-childhood-fren. she's getting married tonight. the reception will be tomorrow. everyone's home now. all my siblings. the whole BIG family are back in town. i cant imagine how our house accomodates. mesti kecohhh...

this is the 2nd wedding i missed since i came here. both are my closest cousins. well, something i have to pay for being away. i'm not complaining, but i will surely kill strangle A if he decided to get married without my presence. dont u dare!

to W and husband, Selamat Pengantin Baru. May Allah bless you and have an everlasting love. I will pray for your happiness, insya Allah.


ps/ rakan2 SSP & IB, Alfatihah utk nenek Z!la yg telah pulang ke rahmatullah. Innalillah...

Shivers down the spine

Tuhanku ampunkanlah segala dosaku
Tuhanku maafkanlah kejahilan hambaMu

Ku sering melanggar laranganMu
Dalam sedar ataupun tidak
Ku sering meninggalkan suruhanMu
Walau sedar aku milikMu

Bilakah diri ini kan kembali
Kepada fitrah sebenar
Pagi kuingat petang kualpa
Begitulah silih berganti

Oh Tuhanku kau pimpinlah diri ini
Yang mendamba cintaMu
Aku lemah aku jahil
Tanpa pimpinan dariMu

Kau pengasih Kau penyayang
Kepada hamba-hambaMu
Selangkah ku kepadaMu
Seribu langkah Kau padaku

Ku sering berjanji di hadapanMu
Ku sering jua memungkiri
Ku pernah menangis keranaMu
Kemudian ketawa semula

Kutakut kepadaMu
Ku mengharap jua padaMu
Mogakukan selamat dunia akhirat
Seperti Rasul dan sahabat..

was reminded after reading D's blog.

From the book..

I looked up into the sky. The violet had sunk into a pitchy dusk and birds sat higgled on the telephone wire that swept from the house opposite to the cave of mine. 'Life goes on" so many peopla has said that to me. Yes, life ------ well goes on but what if you dont want to? what if you want to arrest it, stop it, or even battle againts the currrent into a past you dont want to be past? "you'll get over it" that was another. but i didnt want to get over it. i didnt want to become used to the fact that he'd died. that was the last thing i wanted.
~After you'd gone~



ps/ Today i have a birthday invitation for kak S's kids. Its one of the interesting things i have or gather here, my circle of frens are no longer of 20's only. i make good frens with a lot more others, ppl who are here for post-grads...with family or alone. i like the fact that age difference between us are no longer there the minute we started to converse. anyway back to the invitation, me and Z (another Z) decided to wear baju kurung. our first time for this year here. rindu nak pakai baju kurung sebenarnye..

Out of the blue moon..

I was reading John M's General Practise and came across this

'physical growth is not painful, but emotional growth can hurt like hell'
Apley

how true. sometimes i'm scared that i may have grown up too much. and being who i am, it's like people can see right through me. they can see/say straight away how i'm doing, despite my effort to be usual.

The F's...

I miss my Family very much, it turns into pain. not even patience soothe me. its like when i really really want something, but i know i can never get it. it crushes me bits by bits. having to deal with the external pressure at the same time double up everything. one day, i crumbled. hard. that night, i really wish they will be in my dream, to ease up the heartache.

When that happened, i anticipated another F would come to rescue me offer a hand. Friends. but sadly, it didnt really. the frustration turned into anguish, and in no time felt betrayed. all this while, i have learnt to stand on my own, giving without expecting. but just for this one, i hope and hope failed me. to be honest, i never plan to burden ppl up with how and why i felt. i know not everyone's comfortable to listen and some just dont want to feel disturbed with whatever 've gotta tell. besides, how certain am i that i've been a good one to receive back? erm, this sounds bitter.

In the end, HE prove that i gives and receives from different person. i am back to stand on my own.

Drama in GP..

i love sitting with CS. she's really erm, 'cheeky' and straight-forward. full of facial expression too.

1. this lady. living in the dark for heart attack, no thanks to her chimney-smoking, overweight and high blood pressure. she refused to stop smoking and i think CS just ran out tricks to persuade her to change some of the lifestyle issue. last resort, CS asked about diabetes in her family and hit it! i thought she got 'scared' a bit and blurted

'i used to like u, C'

of course, jokingly. we (me and CS) just had to laugh.

2. i told CS that i need to find a patient for my chronic illness study. she thought this gentleman would be a good one, providing he talks to no end (???) and is one hell of a survivor. as she's about to get him from the waiting room , shoved me the list of past medical history, my eyes just went wide open and sub-consciously said

' this is too longg!!'


and CS, being who she is ..told the patient towards the end of the consultation

'you know..S(me) and i were talking about finding a patient for a case study and i thought you would be a good choice. but when she looked at your past history, she had a small fit..'

ngaaaaaa...malu!

3. later i was in MY's consulation room. A boy came with a swollen thumb. oh my, that was me 4 years ago. my first month in melb, had first handball experience with the other girls and someone got 'too excited' and rush towards me. swollen and throbbed, but i thought nothing's serious. put up with it for 3 weeks, even joined a netball tournament with it. meanwhile, i was so scared to let my mum knew cos i dont wanna get scolded for being so careless again (i had bad episode of fractured elbow back in 1995) and i dont want her to stop me from playing sports. somehow, a fren persuaded me to go and check with the doctor and Xray showed a fractured thumb. yes, after 3 weeks of ignoring the bulky thumb. nothing much can be done at that stage obviously, but i think it got back to almost normal now. erm, come to think of it...i've had very similar injury with my middle finger during basketball craze but again, i ignored and it painfully healed itself. as A said

'tulang ko nih macam sotong...'

hampehh!

As I pick myself up again...

Bertali arus dugaan tiba
Menakung sebak airmata
Namun tak pernah pun setitis
Gugur berderai di pipi

Tidak ditempah hidup sengsara
Suratan nasib yang melanda
Menongkah badai bergelora
Diredah bersendirian

Bagaikan camar pulang senja
Patah sayapnya tetap terbang jua
Sekadar secicip rezeki
Buat yang sedang rindu menanti

Segenggam tabah dipertahankan
Buat bekalan di perjalanan
Kau ubat luka yang berdarah
Kau balut hati yang calar

Telah tertulis suratan nasibmu
Derita buatmu ada hikmahnya
Terlukis senyum di bibir lesu
Tak siapa tahu hatimu

Biarpun keruh air di hulu
Mungkinkah jernih di muara
Biarpun jenuh hidup dipalu
Pasti bertemu tenangnya

Thanks P, for this reminder some time ago.

Shout out

Happy Birthday to my dearest Adik...eventhough you always made my blood go upstairs, i love you still. also despite our 7-years differences,do you know that you are pretty good at acting big sister??? hihihi. i love you, Adik!

i rarely talk/write about Adik here, maybe because i wasnt that close to her in my early days. she's more kamceng to Kak. we are only good at adegan gusti sparring =D in real life some people thought i'm the youngest. friends and distant relatives. no, i am not.

ps/ today in the religious center at campus, 2 ppl were in a middle of a talk. i looked at one of the girls and have a gut feeling that i may have met her in the past. 10% sure, so i chose to ignore. later after prayer, she approached me and asked the routine question.
'Budak SSP ke?'

(ok, rightttttt) 'Haah..hmm, SSP jugak ke?

' haah..nampak familiar tadi.'
So she's actually kak H, from Ruby (Batch 9498- just a year ahead of us) and doing Masters in Law here. apology for my short term memory, i had to ask for her name. we quickly change contact no as i need to rush off. maybe i could invite her to our place next time for some gala time.

From mum to daughter

-Nobody tells you what you can and can't do-
Decept!on Po!nt.

When i am suppose to study..

Disclaimer: this is a very disturbing entry. Most welcome to not read it.

i felt so demotivated and disturbed. with the study, with everything. i ran and hide under the quilt. i cried hard. i havent been in this state for a while. in between the sobs, i wished for my family. i missed home and i cried harder. i felt so hopeless and i cried harder. i couldnt sleep either because of the nap. i cried and cried but i dont feel any better. so here i am, eyes puffed up and venting.

i hate to say this: where are the ones who i have been there for all the good or bad, but fail to do the same? i dont bother around the superficial's, but what happened to the ones who claim real's. the angel side of me try to convince that they might want to give some time and space to cool myself down, but the evil side simply say that they are turning selfish and afraid to play the role. to be honest, i am more incline to believe the latter. i am that negative , no suprise! whatever the reason could be, i dont care anymore. go chicken out all you like . but dont get mad if i dont seem to offer the same as i used to do.

Lecture note?

sources: Z's note pad

This reminds me and L. we used to do this, especially during account class in 5I. hehehe, but we wrote so much more than this...

Ehemmm...

Y: haaaa teringat plak
S: ye
Y: errr nak mintak resepi mee kari laaa
Y: nak makan tp x berani nak buat
S: duh!
Y: tp tuh
Ybila2 free la
Y: bukan skarang pun takpe
S: nnt kami mskkn laa
S: sebbaik bagi tau awal
S: nak pi bli lauk2 japgi
Y: alamakkk ye kee *blush icon* (kononnnn, padahal dah terlompat2 suka)
S: siapkan mee je
S: kami masakkan kuah
Y: hihi

oleh itu, salah siapa kalau aku masih tak pandai masak???hehehe, orang kata rezeki jangan ditolakkk kan? kan? kan? ...

yeayyy yeayyy!!

Of The Plan and Book

I called up this morning and managed to talk to both of them. yesss, definitely she's as euphoric as i am upon hearing the plan. good relief!! ..hihihihih, its such a GREAT feeling to hear her sounds all happy and giggly this morning...after all the worry i've thrown to her earlier this year, she deserved to know that i am and will be doing ok over here. as for him, always full of plan and idea for me... i soooo cant waitt!!

I finished reading just now. i've been taking longer time than usual, so i decided to read the remaining half in a go and i managed. now, i'm a bit dizzy. but heck, here's

LOVE AFTER LOVE
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at each other's welcome,

and say, sit here.Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you.

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photoographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life
-Derek Walc0tt-
The Time Traveler's Wife

I know...

i should be writing something here. a bit abandoned..hmmm, there's so many things going on...but the BIGGEST one would be the change of plan. nyehnyehnyeh, i'm so happy and excited with the decision. why didnt i thought about this before?? i mean i got to have/do 3 extra things because of that. sweeeeetttttt.. wwweehoooo, i feel like dancing ! i am soo soo excitedddd!! laaaa di daaaa....

*dont tell anyone icon*

??

'ko tetibe jadi tersangat mature la...'

This is...

My essentials.. just grab these two and i'm ready for the outings

My life...at least for the next year and a half..i know ppl are saying that working life sucks, that's why i'm enjoying these very moments so much
what i believe in..can almost imagine myself in such mood;)

how i want to spend my time with...but there's so many other things to attend to=(

Bee?

I thinkkkkkk i am busy with so many things want/need to do. At least

-Keep up with the study. GP & Psych have been entertaining and encouraging for me. oh la laaa, assignments are handful as well.
-Finish off the stack of story books that i borrowed from S before she returns from Msia.
-Syu's coming in less than a month. itinerary-in-the-making.
-Book my flight home.pls, mark down the price??
-Routine of brisk walk and yoga-pilates.
-Socialise and enjoy my time with the girlfriends ;)
-Watch all most of the movies/drama series available in this house.
-Make some phone calls . this, i must admit often forgotten. shesshhhh! ohhh, write/reply emails too.

Monolog
ok, now i need to read this book...search for this topic...type out this notes...

but i want to read the T!me Traveller's Wife now...

laaa di daaaa...

Oh my...

i am MISSING malaysia so much that everything that shows or talks about it wrenches my heart... tak tipuuuu =(

I know...

..even when i was writing the earlier entry, it wont happen.

no matter how much i want to stop , i couldnt because all this while, i've been imagining myself sharing every step of my life here and looking forward to it.

no matter how much i disgraced myself here in the past, i can only shook my head in shame.i know i can always fix things up but sometimes, i need to learn things the hard way. so, i choose to play with time...

enough of that, here i start again...

earlier, the thought of doing psychiatry freaked me out. I couldnt see myself talking to these people, it must've been weary and frightening . but as i am into my 3rd week, i no longer thought the same. despite the difficulty to understand the technical jargon and all, i am enjoying this rotation to a greater deal. what i see in this field of medicine is life. amused.

' i just wanna enjoy this rotation, learn as much as i can and hopefully do fine in the exam..'

Sebenarnye...

aku ingin berhenti menulis. dulu-dulu, blog ini jadi tempat aku berkongsi cerita dan berhubung dgn kawan2. rasa gembira dan puas hati. tapi skarang, lebih kepada punca salah faham dan sampai satu masa, hilang kawan. rasa terkilan dan serik sedih.

tapi mungkin aku takkan dan tak dapat berhenti menulis.tak tahu.

Tulisan kosong...

rasa lega bila masa berlalu dgn sgt cepat. tak sempat nak buat ape2 basically. sekejap je dah nak weekend balik. study, tak. buat benda lain, ye.

pencarian tiket mcm menghampakan je. semua agent kasi quotation mahal2. arghh! rasa macam tak nak balik pun ade (ok, aku tahu....takde org nak pecaya=p)

cakap pasal balik & tiket flight, sampai termimpi2. mimpi dah ada kat msia tp bile masa nak balik sini, ntah cemana boleh terlupa. some sort baru teringat ada flight and kalut2 kena tukar date. hmm, penatla asik mimpi mcm nih. last time mimpi, dah siap2 nak pegi airport utk balik msia tp tak jumpa passport. haihh, manela takde gangguan tidur....niesa, hani-salim and nisa dah selamat kat msia. pastu peah and hani-izhar plak nak balik msia..ya Allah, tabahkanlahhhhhh hati akuuuu :(

tapi takpeee, bulan depan ada org nak dtg visit *dance dance*. ehemm, sgt tak sabarrrr...terima kasih kawan kerana buat aku rasa happy dan kembali excited..

masih kembali tak sihat. demam dan selsema. rasa tak bertenaga. ikutkan hati, nak berehat tanpa buat ape2 tp masih ada kelas perlu hadiri, masih ada kerja perlu dibuat. bila macam nih, byk benda terbengkalai. tambah risau dan susah hati. aduhh...

cukup2lah nih. sudah penat.

Reflection..

today, slept thru for 4 hours and woke up around 1130pm. started on the unfinished plan for the weekend: spring-cleaning my study table..errr, wasnt messy but i still got stuff from last semester to put away and havent done anything with this semester. well, got a bit excited with better organised (and slacking,shessshh) rotation this semester.. highlighted the deadlines, sorted out the old notes and skimmed thru the requirement for this semester. at the same time, chatted away with the girlfriends and surfed the net for (hardly) interesting read.

to start the story with, i am getting worried with my ehemm, weight. not to say i couldnt fit in my clothes or anything similar, but i wishfully wished i didnt gain any EXTRA kg-s over this winter either . i deliberately avoid THE scale so i cant really tell,hehehehe. eventho i havent done anything sinful to my eating pattern (err, ok ..apart from some unwilling binge or superlicious meal we finished =D), i havent done anything helful to shed the extra fat either. in fact, i stopped doing so about 3 months ago after life got so hectic to handle??? heh, so much so for buying a yoga mat then :p

back to the earlier story, came across this yoga instructor's blog (sorry, no link ) and read this mind-relieving REAL LIFE STORY, about the POUNDS that dont count and how unreliable THE scale. you may look slimmer/smaller/leaner and yet, gain some weight.

errrr, skejap..ape aku nak tulis sebenarnye nih *confused*

anyway, u got my points here

-shouldnt bother about THE scale anymore. instead, go with the size of ur clothes and some positive remarks from others??LOL
-i may not be motivated to start working out this sejuk-sejuk weather, stingy to fork my money out for gym membership and not in perfect health BUT i'm thinking of some yoga-pilates, basketball and brisk walk once the obstacles mentioned above are over. i will, i must;)

wait!!!

i havent told you that my appetite go double-tripled once i started to exercise, have i????

aiya...*scratch my head*

Rindu...

Malaysia.

hmm, tahun nih kira tahun kedua aku tak balik winter. ehem, aku balik winter ada valid reason ok:p anyway, aku perasan jugak everytime aku duduk sini more than 5 months, dugaan macam bertimpa-timpa. tak kisahla tuh. bila lagi nak belajar kalau tak skarang kan?

cumanya skarang nih, aku selalu terbayang malaysia. rindu nak jalan-jalan kat KL. rindu nak duduk tenang kat rumah. rindu nak bergelak ketawa dgn org yang terdekat. bila tengok fotopages nih, baca blog nih dan nih , tak dapat tidak aku rasa jealous. aku ada lebih kurang 4 bulan lagi untuk hilangkan rindu nih. mampu ke ?

kisah yang lain . aku dijemput jadi pembaca pertama tentang kisah KURUS2 PUTIH2 PAKAI TUDUNG? (sorry, tak dapat nak directly link the entry so carikla kat sini .) . aku minta utk komen.

well, not a suprise. *smirk* totally acknowledge the shallow criteria. heh. i'd say its a pity that such attitude exists and remains out there. *shook head* please, think of something better??
i could say more about this but it'll be an outright act. shouldnt and wouldnt.

Compilations

Why do i enjoy watching wedding so much?

because it has a lottttt of pink and heart in it..

'aaaa z!laaa, aku nak yang nihhh..'
'heeee, bahaya la dia nih tgk cerita tuh...semua benda nak'
'errr, hahahaha..jahat aa ko'

Funny incidents?

1. cubaan utk panaskan enjin kereta kwn yg ditinggalkan kat garage rumah.

'haa, tgk nih. enjin dia mati balikk..arituh pun mcm nih jugakk'
'ko dah freekan gear tuh ke??'
'dahhlaaa...'
'ye ke dah freekan? ko check betul2'
'DAHHH..aku dah freekan..tgk nih??
(pegi check sendri gear tuh) "haaaa, free apenye.. tak free pun nih..cuba ko try balik'
'erkkkkk ehh???hahahha(malu malu malu)...jap, haah laaa tak mati...(sengihhhh)
'hahahahhah yatt, ko nih...bla bla bla'
'haaaa ye ye :p'

ohh tidakkk, hancur reputasi aku lepas nih....maluuuuuuuuu!!! sesedap rasa aku kena gelak dgn adl! ..taktau mane nak letak muka wehhh. confident pulak tuh lawan cakap. g&^%#$!~

2. tgh pesta memasak kat dapur. masak nasi lemak and rendang ayam. sambil2 tuh aku tgh tunggu laundry siap..

' eh, tuala kat dalam dryer tuh dah masak ke??

wargghhh, cakap ape tuh yatt???

Syak!r

baru lepas borak.. smalam call tgh main bola. pagi tadi call (ter)tido sbb tgh study. hahahaha, terukkk!!

borak2 psl world cup.

' haah, tengokkk. syakir nangisss"
'hehehe, bile?
'masa England kalah hari tuh dengan P0rtugal'
(agak dahhh)

'haaa, nak tahu...panggil dia..Teletubbies colour kuning sebab dia gemuk...hehhee'
"iyeeee?? hihihihihihi ..."
"haah, nanti syakir bolehla teka teki dgn kawan sape Teletubbies colour kuning..mesti diorg tak dpt nak jawab".
"hihihihihi.."


"haaaa, Zidane tuhkan..dia Islammmm"
(wahh, pakcik nih banyak jugak dia tahu)"haaahhh, terer la syakir..mane tahu nih?'
"tengok tv laaa.."

For a change...

how's this one??

answering hani-izhar's latest shout:

hahahaha, sebusuk-busuk aku pun takdela balik msia everytime cutiiiii..i repeat, everytime cutii...huiihhh, dasyat dasyat:p

the phone call i received just now confirmed that she's comingggggggggggg...wehooo!!*jumps up-and-down...gedebukk jatuh tergolek* OMG, i'm so excited. come august quick!

PINK is in the air again;)

Week 1 of 4071

GP & psyh. i was grateful to have one of the coordinators to be my GP placement(alhamdulillah) and i'm not psyched to do psych, to be honest. nevertheless, i predict GP to be enriching and psych to be interesting. i hope so, at least.

decided to go easy for the past 4 days because of my failing health. cant wait for the weekend. i need a rest.

i should've known that thursday is my bad day and today's no diff. again, i got myself into trouble by stupidly make the initiative. heh, nak cakap honestla konon. hotak la aku! bodoh adela. rasa mcm ape tau?? aku yang perasan bagus, miss forever-snobbish. exactly. as sugessted, the confrontation didnt go well and sorry to say, i am nothing but dissapointed. i ran out of things to keep up. but dont worry folks, this will be the last of its kind. PROMISE. if i havent learn my biggest lesson with this one, i never will.

He said..

" because...call me old-fashioned, but when u love someone, i believe u should be unselfish enough to give them whatever they want."
~Laws of attracti0n~

aaaaawwww!! hehehe... am i the last person in this world to watch this movie???

Mem0ir of a...

i read the book more than 2 years ago.

i decided to watch the movie yesterday.

for both, i felt DISGUSTED.


p/s. sakit tekak dan demam balik=( sebabnya?? terlebih makan maruku...huhuhu

Ab0ut a Boy...

'I tried not to think about that. It happened and i wish it hadnt, but its just life, isnt it? 12-years-old.

'Listen. I'm touched that u asked. But i cant think of anything worse. Seriously. Its just not my sort of thing' 36-year-old.

heh.

Kisah 8 hari 7 malam

Day 1


-departed from Tullamar!ne. it was a boring & overheated flight, but have good scenery down below.
-woh, NZ custom officers are way friendlier and betterrrrr than OZ. at least they dont bring around dogs, muahahaha..
-we stayed at students' house(junior SSP 3 years'younger) and treated with laksam that nite. kutertidurrrr pulasss;)

Day 2


-Cathedral square. that's when my camera batteries decided to go kongg on me. hampeh!
-Museum & Old University. remember Earnest Rudford?
-Punting at Botanical Garden. hoh, tak romantikk la naik ramai2. ikut hati nak berkayak jehh tp sbb ramai nak naik punting, join jelahh.. adela pulak yg tertidur tuhhh.
-Gondola. mak aihhh, gayat la jugakkk..hehe. lps tuh buat expedisi sendri dgn attire yg sgtla tak sesuai. dahla slippery, nasib baikk tak tergolek jatuh gaung jeh. tapi sgt worth the journey bila dah nak dekat matahari terbenam tuh. subhanallahhh..
-BBQ for dinner. hehe, sempat main basketball skejap kat luar rumah diorg. yeay yeay!! skill aku tak rusty lagi rupanya. bila Chr!s & Samy join, diorg ajar main this particular game that tested ur shooting skills, and i won the 2nd game..hahahah, mmg nak riak! lps makan, join main game card. ini mmg susah, ala2 charade tp instead of act out u have to describe it. satu card tuh aku kena describe 'buzz'. d'ohh!

Day 3


-Settlekan bus ticket.
-Ferrymead Her!tage & Park..hahaha, hanya sbb nak ngelakkan anjing ktrg sesat sekejap. nothing much at that place actually. tmpt pun nmpk cam spooky jeh. balik tuh lama btul tunggu bus. boring sgt, aku saje2 tanya crite hantu kat B, tup2 terus dtg bus..hahaha, selamatttt!
-Souvenirs hunting began,nyehnyehnyehh
-Balik tuh diorg ada simpankan laksa utk ktrg
-Malam tuh jalan pegi rumah another students utk makan nasi lemak, karipap n apple crumb. ohhh, lazattt!! dah penat makan, bukak kopitiam. pasal ape??? adelahh...

Day 4



-Bras!l lost that morning. ohhhh, sangat sedihh =( spoil betulla..
-Revisited some places to capture some pics. remember my camera batteries went konggg the other day??.
-Souvernier hunting again. the best gift of all would be for my parents, unlike before when my siblings' often drained my money before i got to decide for both of them. not this time tho...
-This time tandori masala pulakk, kenyanggg!
-We hopped onto the bus to go to Dunedin again, stayed at students's house who happened to be our schoolmates.

Day 5


-cadbury world. cehhhh, rasa tertipu sbb masa kat Tassie dpt tour n bargain yg lagi best...
-Seafood's. hehe,nice deco and good variety of meals.
-Larnach castle tour. the only castle in NZ owned by this family with tragic storyline. biasala dah nama pun castle, mmgla lawa n usually one of its kind.
-dinner kat rumah kawan A, makan spaghetti. ohh, read this dialogue

'eehhh, dulu SSP kan?'
'errr alamakk, haah. mane tau?'
'sy junior kak Y'
'opss, ye ke. batch mana eh? alamak sorryla, tak cam'
'takpee biasala junior yang kenal.sy f1 masa kak Y f5. rumah sapph1re jugak'
'ohhh, heheheh'

alemakk korang, aku jumpa CS ude. ntah apelahh aku buat masa skola dulu sampai tak kenal org..

Day 6


-breakfast dgn roti canai???yup yup..hahaha. haii, beranganlaa nak dpt jiran yg jual roti canai, siap ada delivery boy yg sgt cuteeee..geram tgk budak kecik tuh..
-ops menjejak the world's steepest street, Baldw!n st yg ntah kat mana2. tgh jalan, jumpa seorang melayu yg pelikk..malas nak elaborate kisah dgn dia..nway only 3 decided to walk up the street, termasuk aku ok! hahaha, mengah tak mengah blakang kira. janji dpt beli cert lepas tuh.
-tour Otago Uni with its famous central library.
-balik christchurch.

Day 7


-Transzalp!ne to Greym0uth. ini org kata P.J naik n dpt ilham for LOTR. lalu jugak setting for Narn!a & LOTR. tapikan after some time, semua org dah mabukkk gunung sbb byk sgt..hahhaa!! nasibbbb..

Day 8
-Dressmart for some personal shopping;)
-Christchurch airport.

lastly, perasan tak ktrg makan sama banyak dgn jalan, maybe lebih skett pun ada...so takyahla buat2 tekejut kalu tgk pics towards the end of the trip, muka sorang2 ala ala nak meletup..bukan ilusi optikk!

Correct me if i'm wrong...

i dont know others but when i decided to share, i dont expect BIG words. i only seek for some assurance, if its not too much to ask. i know better that nothing may seems right to say at that time. one might never had similar experiences or am i right to assume, actually couldnt care less. so when the person changed the subject of discussion, i often take that as a cue..

why am i telling all this? because next time, if you feel that i havent share much or talk less try not to take it personally. not that i dont trust anymore, i just dont wanna waste your time and to avoid feeling crappy myself.

cheers.

Tomorrow..

i'll be starting the new rotation and i'm still down with cold.havent been sick for quite a long time and i'm done with half of the medication. not getting any better, sadly.

till then, dont expect anything from here.

Pergi muka gajah, balik muka tikus..

Sampai Melb petang tadi dan dari semalam dah start demam selsema..temperature & blocked nose =(

ohhh, tak selesaaaa..

sampai2 rumah, dapat surat and pics of my heroes...hensemmm!

Getaway

I am going to New Zea1and tomorrow morning =D

bye for now.

Reality check..

I remember promises and it becomes my flaw.

Words easily stucked in my head and with that comes expectation. i have a few not-so-pleasant experiences because of that. i dont know about other ppl, but i find it hard to deal with broken or forgotten promises UNEXPLAINED. silent resentment. its not so much about the things i am supposed to have/do with that, really.

Words can slip away easily, to make ppl feel good without much real intention sometimes. Because of that, now i tell ppl that whatever they say to me..i might not take it all. in fact i am changing myself not to believe in easily.

It's about time..

This was what Oprah's about today. two daughter suprised their mums with house make-over, family decided to get to know their neighbourhood by doing home visits etc

so, i guess it's about time for me to....

stop
-being fussy over nothing trivial things.

start
-being indifferent.


some time ago, a fren told me that i sounded sad and sulk every moment in my writing, as if life isnt fair for me and i've got nothing much to cherish.

just because i dont reveal every single misfortunates that happened to me here, doesnt mean that i dont have the right to grieve.yes, i'm not gonna deny the fact that my life may not be as great as other ppl BUT i'm all right with it. i guess, this kinda life has done its good to me in certain ways. everyone has its own phase of life, mine might be rough at the moment.

but life is NEVER unfair. i know that.

The end...

tried to watch past high-school love triangle, basketball and domestic conflicts, saw these..

- a lady with strong determination and tough heart. didnt let the past to hold her down, instead she bucked up. let bygones be bygones, but not the lessons she learnt. she kept them as good reminders.

- a friend who promised to be there for another fren and did. a promise is a promise. that proved some sincerity and trust. eventhough along the way, it might became more than friends and broke the hearts, it wouldnt change the promise.

- an old man full of wisdom. he's the man who picked up life lessons and use them to reach out the next generation of life. my favourite.

-it's really hard to tell. you just never knew what's actually inside someone's mind and heart. ppl lied, ppl confessed. how did you tell between them?

- friendship is brittle. the closer you get to the other company, the easier you gonna get hurt. sometimes, it just made me wonder is it worth to keep things superficial to avoid hard feelings?

-true love is out there. i dunno, i'm never gonna be good at this but its always feel good to witness others experiencing it. bliss.

-hatred, denial, wickedness are devils'. somehow, there are ppl who acted with those feelings. devils' company?

-what's with 2nd chance? worth risking cos if it failed again, its gonna cause double?

-someone might looked flamboyant, popular and snobbish but who know, he/she might have generous heart inside? we judged, dont we?

What's my favourite episode?
With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls we slept.

Why?
It so much prevailed the truth. the fear, the guilt, the longingness to be accepted, the feeling of taken for granted, everything. it wont vanish. will always be part of the living.

Vulnerable

i am receiving cold shoulder(s?), for some reason i dont know. one day, it just happened and i still couldnt figure out why and how. could it be something i said or done, i DONT KNOW. i am no psychic but i dont think i'll ever go upfront to ask about it. i am no miss goody either but i'm grown up enough to listen to my mistakes and learn. sigh.

i realised i may have hurt other ppl a lot in the past or maybe at present, so could it be some kinda payback for me? even if its not from the same person? because if it is, then i'm willing to take it. i'll bear the pain and guilt, if it'll wash away my past and make ppl feel better.

Hal0

I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday
I give you everything I have
The good the bad

Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I'm so up high that
I can't see the ground below
So help me down, you got it wrong
I don't belong there

[Chorus]One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo and you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn't say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I.. I just wanna love you
Oh oh oh I.. I just wanna love you

I always said that I would make mistakes
I'm only human and that's my saving grace
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws sometimes, I even sin
So pull me from my pedestal, I don't belong there

One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo and you look at me but
Standing from here… you wouldn't say so...

~Soundtrack of OTH~

Hai..

Just to share with u ppl some good news..

i did fine with the exams and need not to worry about the supplementary exams.

Alhamdulillah. hugh relief for me.

The faculty did the lousiest way to release the results by expecting us to wait for their email if we need to re-sit the papers. that means the only way to be sure that we are cleared is by checking the email every hour now and then until yesterday's midnite. wait!! they didnt actually specified the time frame but to be on the safe side, i decided to choose midnite. so can u imagine how lllooooonnnggg yesterday was for me?

no point to whine.

but i'd like to say thank you very much for all the prayers, supports and concern. i'm really grateful . may Allah bless and pay all your kindness in HIS own way.

Honesty hurts?

if you asked me, i would say yes.

i know how it feels to be left clueless, not knowing what went wrong and how to deal with it. i know how it feels to hold up, because we dont want to hurt and we dont want to carry the guilt after that. i know how hard it can be to admit the mistakes and start all over again.

so, i thought why dont i get things straight. just be honest and tell everything. because for me, its not about who's right or wrong. i am human and i make mistakes myself. correct me. it is about making things clear for the future. also, i know better that to assume and misunderstand is the easiest and worst thing to happen in any kinda communication, ppl just has no better idea what the other ppl is thinking.

so, if i am being honest, i could make things easier for both in the future because IF the same thing happens again, both would know what's expected from them. i save time to argue and fight. even if at present, things look sour and nothing's worse than listening to the words spoken in such bitterness. but i hope in the future, things are better and easier.

but it doesnt always come right.

i may slip away some harsh words along the lines, making ppl nonetheless offended and mad. i may be mean and selfish myself. i may forget to offer ppl the chance to defend themselves. i've committed all those and i chocked with guilt. but the worst thing is actually to have my intention taken the wrong way.

so, yeah. it hurts.

When i'm upset...

-i lose my patience pretty quick.

-i turn into a b!atch. demanding and difficult.

-i keep things to myself. i rarely open up but when i do, i expect ppl to listen not hear. i expect to be told that everything will be fine, not shoved away. like what i would do to others.

-i mess up.

What's next...

i thought i wont get bored for this hols. this is suppose to be the most deserved holiday after all the struggle. but today, boredom just kick in.

i've finished a book and the one i'm reading next is a bit draggy. i'm not sure whether i would bother to finish it.

rite, i enjoyed OTH but i SO hate the devil in the story, i need a break.

WC is only at nite and rite now, its 12 pm in the afternoon.

What i actually would like to do for my holiday?

- Camping.

"Kalo dah dpt yg persevere tu...utk kamu aku rasa everything will fall into place"

Rulessssssss....
*The tag victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect lover
*Have to mention the gender of his/her perfect lover
*Tag eight other victims to join this game and leave a comment on their blog
*If you are tagged for the second time, there is NO need to do this again
*Lastly, Most importantly, HAVE FUN DOING IT!

all this while, it has always been just THE 3 . But i'm game.

8 ciri lelaki idaman

1.Love GOD and the religion
i'm not waiting for Mr. Perfectly-Pious, but someone who tries his best to be a faithful servant to HIM, abide by all the boundaries and able to guide me all along.

2.Sensitive
to my needs. my PMS has no specified dates, aren't we all woman? when i'm bummed, i bummed. so to be sensitive, its more than just good understanding but able to fit his presence to the situation. either to become my silent company, decent joker or another person to talk some sense.


3.Humourously witty
i need to laugh but i dont entertain stupid insulting jokes. go figure!


4.Appreciative
I understand that flirt is man's second nature. They just love to eye pretty faces and drool over hot chics. ok, fine BUT once he decided to settle with me, i dont think i can tolerate that. either he had it all done before he chooses me or spare it during my presence. sorry, i'm not gonna be the cool partner who can jolly join that.
i least expect showers of gifts but welcomes endless thoughts and small suprises very much. ohh, have i mentioned that sweet talks sucksss??


5.Responsible
to the relationship. just a simple stuff, like when he speak of the truth, he make mistakes and admit them, he stuffed up and explain. apart from that, of course be a good son and brother to the family.


6.Sports
For an obvious reason, i dont want him to go boncit after eating all my cooking. so off he should go for some soccer or anything with his mates. hehehe. also i dont really fancy going in and out of the shopping mall for our dates, too crowded. instead i will have better time at the park or in the court.

7.Communicative
i am no angel and i need him to correct me. i dont have telepathy to know what's in his mind, whether he wants to go back to his cave to calm down or share with me . i cant accept cancelled plans without prior notice. also when i'm dissatisfied or unhappy, i need to talk or else i'll drive him up the wall feeling clueless.

8.Dominant
Dont mistaken this with male-chauvenist. i've had my fair share of being independent for the past 23 years so i'd like him to take charge from then on. could be for some trivial stuff like to decide where to go, what to eat, how to spend the time during the outings or some bigger decision on the household.

i halved the victims to these 4.
1.Hani salim
2.Hani izhar
3.Aneesa
4.Peah

When season 2 finished..

" Let us drop this breadcrumb so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruelest thing. This year, i lost my way" -The Boy.

" And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a bit more cruel." -The Boy.

"The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes i travelled alone, sometimes there were others who took the wheels and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasnt me who rided. wasnt me at all." -The Girl.

"And when you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely "- The Girl.

"Because sometimes you have to step out from the person who've been and remember the person you are meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are" -The Boy.

On Crush...

'...Well, that was alright. A natural enough phenomenon that happened between men and women. Mature, normal people didnt let it upset their lives, didnt act on those low level emotions and let them develop into more than frienship, into something that seized control..'

-Single White Female-

So i quote...

a few years from now....

niesa: :cry: awww...as arnee would say...sedih!!!what ske really meant: terharu...(isk)
yatt: of course...who wouldnt?? everytime aku teringat our time kat med 3 and block F, either tersengih or tergelak sorang2...the BEST 2 years of frenship..sayang korang!
hani: wehehe...yup niesa, i missed the good old time in med 3!!
niesa: peah..always the drama queen(flashbacks of all ur exagerated emotions follwed by hysterical laughs..*wink* id say yatt n hani will agreee)

Reading those, slowly I smiled, grinned and as recollections of events occupied my tired mind.. I laughed terguling-guling. Yes, my dearest buddies.. they never fail to amuse me. I've said before, it's magical that 2-years seemed a lifetime. It's like I've known you guys and have you guys by my side since day 1.

And it's as exciting to imagine.. in a few years from now.. things will gradually change, but hopefully the bond remains as beautiful, insya Allah.

Maybe several years ahead,
- I might be listening to any of you guys complaining about the lack of sleep coz ur newborn just wouldn't stop crying for the rest of the night
- I might bump into any of you guys in the supermarket.. either running after a cheeky little toddler or a trolley loaded with food, enough to feed the whole jungle
- I might read the inspirational story of a DR who saved lives of those less fortunate in the middle of nowhere, or a DR who won Nobel Prize for a new discovery in the field of Medicine

Which one it may be, I will always be the same Peah who would smile proudly at every forward steps my friends make.

And also, I will be the "cool Aunty Peah" who'll shower your children with fashionable dresses and dungarees, who'll babysit anytime and who'll team up with your children against you. Hehehe.

If, and insyaAllah, I have one (or 4) of my own, I have favours to ask from korg. Hahaha
- Son : Free arts session once a week
- Niesa : KO kene babysit when Aku and Yatt ade trips to spa/facial treatment or horse-riding ( Yatt, aku assume ko akan ikut aku. Niesa, I pick you sbb tak sure ko nak ikut tak. If ko interested, then Hani Syahida.. ko jage our kids!) <<<<yes yes aku sokongg..of course aku akan ikut ko cik peah..let Niesa and Hani to o-sommm between them for the babysit..
- Arnee (if die read this): Your place would be the ideal sleep-over site sbb if ever things get out of hands, your high-pitched voice should be sufficient to make them go to sleep at once)
- Budak2 kecik Leicester: I welcome any form of clothing from Gap, Next, Laura Ashley.. ( tak yah byk2.. sorg kasi 3-4 okay la)Thanking you in advance!

P/s: Please make dua for me.. my exam's on Thursday and I'm hoping to do well this time... ok, sudah merase cuak.. back to studying!


niesa said...
hahahhahhahah*tergolek2 gelak*
...ade tinggal aku sambil korang kene gi pampered!!!! (whats that about??)ikut la weh, suh arnee jela jage weh, hani...hmmmm(pk2..musykil)

gdluck exam k

it does seem a lifetime away, but it is very much cherished.the tough times, the sad times.it taught us to survive the hardships we go through now.

peah! ko igt tak ko actually TERGOLEK jatuh after a 1st Aid course by the seniors-AND ko taknak bangun???(tergolek2) <<
keep blogging guys.its a special-rare bond accross the continents.
thank god 4 technology.

Tue Jun 20, 03:46:31 AM


Marfu'ah said...
Thanks for the wishes. Keep up with the prayers.. I need them badly. Tsk tsk tsk

Kalau nak kasi kiki lala ke, kiko ke, rocky one ke.. ok je. To compensate, one top from Zara/Jane Norman/Oasis for the mum would be acceptable. LOL


NIESA!!!

Hoi habis rahsia abadi aku.. kureng nyeee.. Tp aku dah seriously tergolek2 sambil jatuh kerusi.

In case you've forgotten, the rationale behind aku TANAK bangun.. gile ke ape? The whole bunch of guys tgh lalu. BY pretending to faint, nampak la cam emergency rather than being clumsy.

But yeah, it's wonderful to think of you guys and smile there and then.

P/s : yatt, ingat tak time ko terbongkang dlm surau and buff decided to have a peek? Hahahahahahahahaha <<<<<haaaaa gelak gelakkk!! nak tahu, after chat dgn ko pasal kisah nih aku takleh tido tau tak..sbb aku tersengih and tergelak sorang2.. urghh, aku nak saman buff!

Tue Jun 20, 08:24:11 AM


niesa said...
igt tak ko tersekat kan bola basketball kt basketball ring?tersekat ok? tak masuk hoop pon.tesekat antare hoop n tiang. talk about lousy shooting. sheesh.. <<<aku ingatt yang nihhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! peahhh oh peahh..masa tuh aku dah terduduk kat atas court sbb dah gelak byk sgt..well, i had my share on the candid too..berlari kejar bola, tak sedar dah terbang terpijak bola...aduiii!!

Tue Jun 20, 02:50:11 PM


*****************************************
ohh dear, i'm sure other ppl will think that we are non-sense...i mean what's with this obsessive effort to cut and paste from her's when i can easily write about something else?

hah!! because they matters to me so much so that i'll keep on appreciating them again and again. They are no longer friends but SISTERS to me..

Back to write??

hhmm, yeah.

i guess my results can wait, still praying for the best that i deserved.

in a meantime, there are something i'd like to share..so see you ppl around=)

farina missy, aku sudah tulis utk tag terbaru kamu tapi mungkin aku akan simpan yang itu, terlalu telus utk bacaan umum..akan tulis yang lain.

When & WHat??...

Tuesday 1pm: OSCE exam.

Friday 930am: Written exam (MCQ & EMQ).

Post-Exam

i'm not happy with how i did the written exam, even OSCE as a matter of fact. i had this mental block while doing the exam and because of that, i just didnt feel right at all after that. so i dunno, i guess there'll be nothing from me till the result's out?

to those who concerned and asked, i appreciated...

For this coming exam...

- i've been having problems to do my revision at home. i dunno why and i'm not exaggerating here. i seemed to lose focus and happy to do anything else but study. sick worried but i sat on the chair, stared blankly on the page. even worse, i didnt bother to open the book.

-due to above situation, i decided to change. i spent time in the library at the hospital and managed to finish off a fair amount of reading. this isnt me but at least when i was home and didnt do anything, i wouldnt feel that guilty or bad. something isnt right with my mind but i dont wanna bother to elaborate. i just wanna get this exam over with and that's it.

-was told that this exam will be TOUGH. no joking=( there are women's & children's health for this semester, that means i need to study both paeds & O and G. lil bit crazy i must say.

-i'm glad i have study group after hospital hours that helps alot. i'm flexible but the good thing to have mixed of girls and boys is that we are more commiting and a lil less distractive with gossips and whats-not. ohh, i'm not talking about my paediatric teammates ok :p

-i need more than assurance and good wishes from all. that includes you who might randomly read this. say a little prayer for me, please =(

-the more i wrote about this, the more anxious and agigated i get*sigh*

humbly, i ask for ur prayer. i really need it.

I hear you..

sms - Cepatla balik, kak S nak blanja N buffet makanan jepun. dah jumpa tempat best. walaupun mahal bbaloi 2 have a sister like u!

say, i'm missed?? heheh..

Kekecewaan melanda...

i was kinda tired from the little shoppping so while waiting for 12am Opening, decided to take a nap..before that i said

'nanti kejutkan eh...bila dah start'

so i slept...then when i opened my eyes again, the room's dark and TV was off. so yeahhhh, its 3am already..i missed both the Opening and 1st match =(

kecewa kecewa kecewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i dunno, it could be either someone forgot to do a favour or someone forgot to wake up..

ok, maybe i still can catch the re-play later today after the study group but what about the Opening???? this is pain i choose for setting my mind to do/have something.

pain of feeling dissatisfied.

sedihhhh =(

Clarify before late...

ok ok, adding to the paragraph of Hottie H...

when i mentioned testimonials, its actually nonchalant remarks or mild compliments other ppl said about him during our nonchalant discussion. you know, you were chatting away with your frens and out of the blue moon, she mentioned yada yada yada yada... and of course i didnt say anything in reply cos it's nonchalant, remember?? hehehe..

hey farah, i didnt know that u still read...must be laughing ur gut off kan?? at least i was after reading ur msg...sungguhlaaa tak sangka=p

Next time?

today's for reality check..

There are a few things i'd like to do more actually, namely examine the kids and talk with the consultants. i dunno, for some reason i thought i didnt spend much time practising my skills on the patients. either caught up with other stuff to do or plain laziness. yes, the i-couldnt-be-bothered attitude i mentioned earlier. its like early in the morning with the doctors, i would make a mental note to at least see this and this patients. later i just...did not proceed with the plan. hmmmm, its hard.

i didnt know about other ppl, but i personally had this problem of being proactive here. maybe the feeling of minority sort of put me down and stop me from chasing opportunities. i changed to become timid and inferior on-and-off. i chose to observe and then look things up, instead of promptly asked the superior doctors. its not the reply of ' i'm the one who should be asking you this..' that stop me all the time, though sometimes it did cos it made me thought 'ohh, maybe i havent read enough'.. but i guess it's more of my own lacking courage to do so. in a way, its not a big deal as ppl always said' u'll remember more if u learn it by urself' but i dont know..i guess, it's the balance.

Little say from me..

Happy Birthday and Happy 1st Anniversary my dearest sis!!! to see that you found ur happiness eventually, makes me believe that i'll find mine soon...

Regardless, I still need you to be my guardian angel..

Love xoxo

Since I have Friday off..

..so today's literally my last day of paediatric rotation. it has been a pleasant experience for me, especially during the last 4 weeks in DH. i am really really satisfied and contented with my time there. got along well with the registra, made good effort to turn up for the ward rounds and attached myself to the team. clinics have been really useful in term of grasping the concept of some complex illness and observing that parenthood doesnt come with a complete manual. case presentation that taught me a lot about putting my best effort into something as i was full of i-couldnt-be-bothered attitude.

little patients that stole my heart away. true enough, they could be very handful and all cranky when 1st came to the hospital, made you sometimes pitiful over their pain of needles and strange environment. but even so, be it shy away, cry irritably or plainly look sick they were worth the care and love. if you were patient enough to wait for some days when they are back to their self, those smiles and happy faces made you day instantaneously. no doubt. just for the sake of bragging, more than once the registra would turn to me and say 'the boy/girl likes you, S'...ohh yeah *shrug* its just because i often made the kids smile and laugh just by eye contacts and lil bit of faces' effort. i'm flattered nonetheless.

i guess the good thing about kids' unit is you get to act like a kid and there's no one to laugh at you if you do so.

next. my group mates? i had great time hanging out with them during lunch, working on our DLA together, laughing over a bit of drama for stuffing up one of the community visits. I may not be talkative but to sit along, listen to their crap talk and budded in once in a while wasnt bad at all. heheh. a bunch of fun ppl, they surely are.

and hows hottie H? he's good. i listened to a lot of nice 'testimonials' from the other colleagues about him so i guess i'm not the only one who are seeing him the way i am now. no way i'm talking about some sweet talk, he's far better without that. just remind me to write about him more next time. if anyone bothers to know, that is. if you ask me now, i'd say i would love to have our path crossed again. damn, i'm smiling!!

Little confession..

i'm sitting for my exam next week

BUT

i do not feel like studying.

i have not even start doing my revision.

the only thing that makes me feel a wee bit better is

to have the study group

but i know i've had better motivation before.

and i feel bad for that.

The Moments of Contentment & Happiness...

Birthday bash= satay, rounders, playgrounds and cupcakes.

Mother's Day Classic 2006...we walked, we laughed..


Hit the net with good sportsmanship...

Girls' day out for Easter. very nice.

click on the pics for bigger view..

June's

3rd: Ma's birthday...

9th: kak's birthday...

13th: OSCE exam(women's & children's health)

16th: written exam: women's & children's health)

17th: missed SSP gathering*hurmmmmmm*

29th: Tullamarine airport=D


bila tanya 'kenal tak sape nih', dia jawab 'kenallll..dgr suara pun dah kenal' (elehhh, macam org tak dengar papa dia ckp sape yg call=p)

bila tanya tgh buat ape n dgn sapa, dia mention semua org yg ada kat situ tapi boleh lupa nama pakcik dia..heeee, bertuah!

bila tanya psl lawan bola, dia ckp dia main midfielder, striker dan defender (amboi, semua position!), cerita mcm mana dia almost score the goal, then dgn cool-nya admit yg team dia menang satu jeh game dlm tournament tuh.

bila tanya pasal world cup, dia kata nak support brazil, argentina and england.

bila kata manaa aci support byk2 team, dia choose england sbb ada steven gerrard=D

bila tanya nak present ape bila balik nanti, dia mintak boots bola

bila gelak and kata mana ade duittt pastu konon2 pengsan, dia gelak jugak pastu jawab 'kalu takde duit, kenapa pegi belajar kat universiti di australia'


bila konon2 merajuk sbb tak penah pun dpt present dari dia, dia kata takde duit so kalu nak juga kena pinjam duit papa.

bila usik2 pasal girl yg dia pernah mention dulu, dia gelakk pastu cakap 'heeeeihhh, dia nih..hihihihi'

sukaaa=)

To The Most WANTED person in my life...

Happy Birthday, ma...

you know i LOVE you so much!




and i miss u...

Jokingly deep..

when she said last time..
'takpelahhh korang, skarang aku dah tau dah sape kawan aku sbenar2nya..'
then we laughed.

but it's true.
ppl care. ppl ignore. ppl abandon.

its ok sometimes to know where one stands in ppl's heart/mind. it brings the person back to the ground.

dont let this writing get to u, any of u. my shallow thought. my obscure observation.

and my apology.

BIG LOL!!

Di suatu petang...

23yr old [1]: haaa, korang..aku nih yg paling tua tau kat rumah nih..kena panggil along...

23yr old [2]: hahahahha, aku aku????

20yr old [1] & [2] :heheheheh..

23 yr old [2]: achik? sebab yg atas tuh angah la kan, sbb 3 hari awal dr aku..

20yr old [1]: kak *toot* alanglaa..

23yr old [2]:ohhh ok ok...haaa (sambil tengok kat 20 yr old [2]), ko .......achong!

all: LOL LOL..

20 yr old[2]: ehhh, ape pulakkkk*sengih*

23 yr old[2] : ahhh , takde2...achong jugak

23 yr old [1]: haaa ok ok. yg nih plak (aim kat 20 yr old [1])....ayam!

all: LOL LOL LOL

23 yr old[2]: haaa, senyap dia..tadi sedap sgt gelakkan org=p *toot*, ko memang besttt!!

sampai sini dahla..korang maybe tanak dgr sambungan dialog nih, merepek banyak=D lgpun lepas tuh, aku terus sakit kepala sbb byk sgt gelakkkkk..