Searching....

Tadaaaa, i feel refreshed.

Yeay, i've bought the tics to go to KL next Friday for quite some days. hopefully this time, i could spare some time to meet up with my girls. I know Redb0x would be a great idea for my high school fellow but that would need weekdays...and i'll make sure no more sore throat this time;)

On top of that, i'm dying to meet my Bantingites and Monash clan though i know there'll be busy in the hospital. it's gonna be happy moments to simply sit down and engaged in a long conversation with these precious people...how should i do it eh?

Me: Nur pergi jumaat malam..sabtu kaksya ada kelas ganti kan?

Kaksya: haah...

Me: ohh takpelah, Nur boleh keluar dgn kawan kawan..

Kaksya: ehhh, jangan janji lagi..

Me: hahahahha, macam manalahh Nur nak ada boyfren kalu ada sis-in-law yang terlalu suka kat i..

Kaksya: eeeee, perasannye..

Me: LOL

that was funny..

and alsooooooooooooo,

it would be even more exciting if one or two of my girls could take a leave on Monday or Tuesday to be my shopping partner...*battling eyelashes* i think i've made up my mind of which handphone to settle with...i hope the white one would look nice. also, good books good books.

come Friday, quick!

Incoherent

Last night i dreamt of Redb0x, so i texted miss F. hehehe, let's just hope it's a plan for the last week of this month...

Reality checked; i'm just another readily available bus stop that can be visited at one's own convenient. i feel so low and mad at myself, i made up my mind. i'm not coping up with the other flamboyant bus stops' and i dont like to be treated like one. it's confusing.

My fellow friends, i'm having VIVA assessment next week upon finishing medical rotation. please pray that i'll do well for this so that i could proceed to another rotation....aminnn

I'm grateful that wherever i go, i've been blessed with a bunch of great truest friends to rely on. from SSPians to Bantingites to Monash clan and now, HKB...there're these people who will laugh with me, thought of me and creates wonderful journey despites major obstacles along the way. Alhamdulillah..

Ahaa, i'm planning to buy a few good books to feed my mind. Any suggestion, friends?

I received endless wedding invitation from my thoughtful frens. i'm dying to attend all of them but time and distance doesnt permit =( whenever i looked at the pics of small reunion of my frens during the celebration, my heart sank. i would love to be in the crowd. sad=(

There goes...

I've been tagged by Niesa to write about 7 facts about me, so what about....

1. I LOVE my darling girlfrens very much.

2. I HATE sweet talker.

3. I LOVE watermelon.

4. I HATE on calls.

5. I LOVE playing team sports.

6. I HATE to be a favourite past time.

7. I LOVE Melbourne.

i guess that's all for now. I'm hiding here

Welcome to my world

I was lying on my bed waiting for the exhaustion to go away, as i flicked thru Variety and came across this...



Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

It's hard...

when there're things i could not write it down here...

It's really really hard...

My Darling...

We were waiting for my brother outside the mall, me leaning againts the handphone billboard

Me: abang, abang..cantik tak nih? (pointing to a beautiful model on the advert)

Him: tak cantik...cik nur cantik!!

Me & his mum: *bewildered*

Him: adik adik...tak cantik kan yang nih ( pointing to the advert again..) cik nur cantik kan?

No, i totally didnt see it coming but that was really2 sweet of him.hehe..

If that wasnt enough, hear this out...

We were playing around in the room..lying on the small bed together with my sis in law when suddenly he turned to me and hugged

"saya love you...'

It caught me off guard...

his mum: APEEE?? abang tak pernah pun cakap kat mama macam tuh..mama je ckp kat abg ..ini first time abg pegi cakap kat cik nur *mocking a mad face*

teeeeheeee=D

And whenever we go shopping together, he would always pick a shoe for me to try and goes

"cantiknnyyeeeeeee...'

Thanks for letting me down.

I'm done.

Spectrum...

As i started to work through the night, it struck my heart to see parents of HIV patients sleeping on the floor beralaskan papers or small mat while taking care of their dying son. Their flesh and blood who might never try to re-pay their sacrifices all the while, let alone to become a good citizent. These people whom we detest and look at in disgust for what they've done to destroy their own life-and yet unconditional love never dies. These mother or father have my biggest respect.

And today,


An old man from the old folks house, having no children. struggling to take ablution and perform his prayers (shame on some of us who take this obligation for granted!), ate the hospital meal in hunger. It crushed my heart, this one. I wish i could do more than what i've done to help him. I wish real hard.

*cry*

Happiness

So?

I know it's gonna sound soooo funny if i say that i am enjoying me work at the moments..not exactly funny as in funny, but there's no better vocab i could think of to describe ( that reminds me to read more...)

to reflect back how much tears i poured and resentment i felt towards this job, it's a relief to everyone that i could be at this phase where there's no longer meek long-faced sad-looking girl but the bubbly and let's get-going one. one or two frens still teased me over how miserable i was in month 1 and two, expressing their suprise how much i've changed. hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping gets going!

No lah..

It's not all rosy in this medical dept..i'm still one of the least knowledgeable and skillfull first-poster housemen..i still got weak-kneed whenever patient collapse or when lesson learnt the hard way but i've been able to move on past them...it haunted for fear of getting through mortality audit but what else could i do as i dwell?

Small things?

Like these one maybe..

-My team has been putting up this target every morning to work fast and aim to go home as the clock strikes five. it sounded a bit ambitious for some days, isn't it but that's what keep us going for the day? To have someone to rely on and work hand in hand makes a huge difference for this kind of job.

-To be acknowledged for a quick (and sometimes re-correct the) management of the patients..it totally sucks when i first started and nothing in my management includes drugs treatment but now, at least i've got a fair bit.

-Working in public hospital means doing hands-on experiences. It scared me shit but after a while, hey this could be fun! provided i got good supervision and back-up team..heheh

-Also working in Malaysia means text book cases. A LOT! while i could be struggling and regretting myself for not studying hard before, it's high time to revise and managing the cases themselves makes it a lot more easier to learn. what a life-long!

-I still slept from 8-6 at times (wake up only for isyak) but other than that, i've got a good bunch of colleague to hang out and enjoy good dinner prior.

I'm going to KL for a very very short escape. I'm on call on thursday, my flight's on friday noon..coming back on saturday night and on call again on sunday..i'm willing for this arrangement cos it's all up to me to do my little shopping find my little happiness.. so if u happen to be in shah alam on friday night, why not give me a buzz?

Things in my list so far

-find a comfy loafer as my legs' been aching eversince i started working..
-handphone as a gift to self? havent decide on which one yet.
-i need to find a replacement to my laptop as this one will be passed down to my sister. i still havent decide on which one either.

truly fickle-minded.

Looking forward to be in KL..

yeay!

Heart-melting!

One
Mama: abang, dalam keluarga kita ada siapa?
Him: papa, mama, abang, adik, ciknur...
Mama: heh, ciknur tuh bukan keluarga kita..dia keluarga kembangan kita...
Him: ciknur keluarga kita.
(he still disagree..)
Him: *sad face* mama, perut abang penuh dgn air..dah nak bocor nih..(eyes welled up. cue that he's about to cry)

Two
Him: mama, abang nak balik kampung. nak tidur dgn ciknur..

(did i tell you he's the one to open my car door after work and excitedly drag me to play with him during previous school holiday)

Three
He wanted to talk to me two days in a row. on the second day's phone call

Him: cik nur......datang sini, datang sini, datang sini, datang sini (repeatedly..)

prior to the phone call, his mother picked him up from kindergarten and he went..

'Mana ciknur?'

ahhh, my darling 5 year old baby. here i come next weekend!

It's time..

to say

'whatever...just do it..'

sorry yeah, for the long hiatus. i've lost track who read and who doesn't anymore...one or two popped up after a long silence, i welcomed.heheh..

i guess (and really hope) i've reached the point of treshold and the journey after this would be bearable and smoother. finger-crossed. i know i was all low for the past 2 month but i'm not a quitter. at times, i do get moments of self-satisfaction and appreciation from others but i might've overlooked them.

there're a lot of humbling experiences that put me in silence for a while and reminded me of how grateful i should be.

but deep inside i know part of this turning point came from a casual talk i had with a senior colleague where i took his words as a challenge. i hope i'll win it and prove him wrong. oh, i know he meant well and wanted me to try a little harder.

ok, let's talk about something more fun. i've got my first pay 2 weeks ago worth of 2 months (and from the extra figure, i think they've miscalculated,hahaha ) and i seriously dont know how to spend the money here it's time to celebrate with the darlings...so u've got to wait till i'm in town for some lunch or dinner, ok? one or two will get the priviledge to pick one item and let me pay for it..who? mestilah secret;)

truth is,

-i wish to go to KL and splurge my money pamper myself. i wanna go shopping...i wanna go karaoke-ing, i wanna go movie-watching..i wanna do everything fun under the sun..

-i wish to buy myself something from the first pay but i'm not sure which one should come first. phone vs laptop vs watch..neither is necessity though. out of the thought that i shuld present myself wif something i hardly earned..blood and tears. on a crazy note, beli tiga2 boley?

-i wish to buy a stackful of good books and indulge in them, literally.

-i wish to have someone whom i could call at odd hours and sought comfort. better still, who would (instinctively) call me up and ensure me that i'll be ok..who are willing to go extra miles for me ( i know i'd do the same..)confession made, who will share the same feeling and brings out the best in me...

to those who've been answering my calls and replying my sms for the past 2 months, i heart you all!

Will i be?

I could be write about reasons why i thought of what i wrote in my previous entry..but i choose not to..maybe not now..maybe not ever..

i've become a crying baby clinging daughter to my mum since i started working so when they're (parents) leaving for 2 weeks to perform umrah very, very soon..

i dare not to imagine how's life gonna be.

tell me that i'm doing fine.

tell me that i'll be fine.

Speaking of coincidence and mumbo-jumbo...

I actually posted an entry a while ago but decided to get rid of it..something better left unwritten..it's nothing, anyway..

On a different note,

If i am to be honest at this moment, i am thinking of quitting my job. Anyone disagree?

Drops....

I found this here

I'm only grateful to have Allah.

That makes me believe in hikmah behind every struggle,

That sometimes redha is the only way out,

That it's only the matter of time before fate prevail itself,

That only me and HIM actually suffice.

Short break..

Even just for one night,

I'm going to KL this friday.

Yeay!

Emotion

As my aunt texted me a while ago

' Crying is a form of release so go ahead...'

I succumb to, silently.

Perks

#My 30-40 mins speed drive time to go back and fro work.. solitude and regain self.

#The MO whom i was once very anxious of is now my comfort in the ward.

#When i got to finish work by 530pm.

#When on call still allowed me some good sleep.

#When time flew fast and i forget.

#When i learnt something from each case.

#SMS and calls from the darlings.

# Pray hard to attend Zarin's wedding this coming May. I so wanna spend some time in town and do some shopping..well, kalu gaji dah masuk bolehla belanja kalian;)

Don't be afraid. You needn't slay the beast nor scale the entire mountain. That's not how it's done. You only need to move through today,..... Think of the distance you've already covered. Focus on your strengths. Let each new step remind you of your freedom. Let every breath you take remind you of your power. Seek out friends and guides; they're anxious to help. You're not alone. You're understood. This road has been walked before. Dance life's dance, just a few steps at a time, and in the wink of an eye you will wonder to yourself, "What beast, what mountain? Was I having a dream?"

~A Note~

I'm confused

Scene 1

Student nurse: doktor, doktor orang mane ye?

Me: aaa? Orang sini laa..

Student nurse: oohhhh ye ke?? cakap tak macam org kelantan pun...

Me: ohhh ek? (hoh! penat2 jeee aku cakap kelantan selama nih...)

Scene 2

After a few exchange of polite gestures everytime i attended his mum,

Visitor: rasa macam pernah jumpa doktor sebelum nih..?

Me: *blank* aaaa?? tak tahu...*shrug* (ahhh, sudahh..)

Visitor: haah...macam pernah nampak before nih..tp tak sure kat mana...tp yg pasti satu tempat la..kat UTP

Me: aaa? ( aku nih UTP pun tak pernah jejak =p) tak tahu *sengih blur*

i'm sure it was not a pick-up line but honestly, i could not recognise..so i simply continued attending to the next patient.

A Note

Happiness, dear......, is what greases the wheels of life. It's also what opens the floodgates, marshals the forces, commands the elements, raises the sun, aligns the stars, beats your heart, heals what hurts, turns the page, makes new friends, finds true love, calls the shots, waves the wand, connects the dots, feeds your mind, frees your soul, rocks the world, and pays compound interest.

Yeah, so easy to forget.

Wild on,
The Universe

Simple life

As promised, i'm here again.

What'd you like to know?

=)

Alhamdulillah, i'm coping well with my job. currently doing medical rotation, well-known for its' stressful workload and demanding commitment.

I have a lot of reason not to feel miserable though

-I am actually prepared for something worse than this, based on what i heard from others actually.

-Although i was jittery and foresaw bleak moments before starting, i remembered when i was about to do absailing and said to myself 'Just Do It!' before leaning back on the rope a few feets away from the ground.

-My break between graduation and work was well spent so i have no complaint of not having enough holiday and such. Family and friends, my treasured gifts.

- There were humble patients that soften my hearts and supportive easy-going colleagues that make the routine a bearable one.

-I do learn a lot to which i have to keep on doing.

No,

It's not that i did not cry out of despair for being bullied.

It's not that i never question myself why not other job, once.

It's not that i know most of the things and never feel hopeless.

It's not that i'm ignorant of the politics and hierarchy.

It's not that i always leave for home on time.

But i choose to ignore those things and take some time to feel happy with little things. Also, i choose to start a new day every day. Most importantly, i choose to fulfill my job Lillahita'ala and not for anyone else. I tried my best everyday and that suffices.

Doesnt life works that way?

We'll never get everything we want in life but it's our choice to dwell or to move forward. I had my share of earlier so i know how deep it will bring us down.

The only thing that keeps me on the ground is my faith in Allah as only He who will always be there for me and i have seen it happened before my eyes for so many times.

Alhamdulillah.

Sweet sorrow...

i also didnt see this coming but i decided to give tis space a rest..i could not point out to a single reason why, but i hope i would make it here again...

as i am flawed, i seek for forgiveness if i hurt anyone's feeling or ego thru my words...

i hope we could still keep in touch. i'll be an sms/phonecall/email away...

darling honey, pls keep me updated (and excited) about OTH...i owe u that one!

Kenapa aku diuji?
“Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan ; “Kami terlah beriman,” sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yg sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yg benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yg dusta.” -Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3.

Kenapa aku tak dapat apa yang aku idam-idamkan?
“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.” -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216.

Kenapa ujian seberat ini?
“Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya.” -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286.

Kenapa rasa kecewa?
“Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman.” Surah Al-Imran ayat 139.

Bagaimana harus aku menghadapinya?
“Wahai orang-orang yg beriman! Bersabarlah kamu (menghadapi kesukaran dalam mengerjakan perkara-perkara yg berkebajikan), dan kuatkanlah kesabaran kamu lebih drpd kesabaran musuh (di medan perjuangan), dan bersedialah (dengan kekuatan pertahan di daerah-daerah sempadan) seta bertaqwalah kamu kepada Allah supaya kamu berjaya (mencapai kemenangan).” -Surah Al-Imran ayat 200.

“Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada org-org yg khusyuk.” -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45.

Apa yg aku dapat dari semua ini?
“Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli drpd org-org Mukmin, diri, harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga utk mereka..” -Surah At-Taubah ayat 111.

Kepada siapa aku berharap?
“Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain drpd-Nya. Hanya kepada-Nya aku bertawakkal.” Surah At-Taubah ayat 129.

Aku dah tak dapat bertahan lagi!
“…dan janganlah kamu berputus asa drpd rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa drpd rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yg kafir.” Surah Yusuf ayat 12.