p/s Do write again

I dont want all these to get drowned in my sore feeling, so i choose to write again.

-how great the bridal shower was for 2 lovely ppl here. i wish all the happiness for their next chapter of life. they surely deserved every sweetness and contentment a marriage promised. as always, to be with those bunch of girls was never without great laugh. i guess to charade English movie in the 1st part was easy enough, but wait till u know what's in the 2nd part of Malay movie. ok, just imagine how i acted out Tipah Tert!pu without the everyone-knows-lines to say? heeeesshhh, some others were Embun, Tangkai Jering, Ahmad Albab, Ibu Mertuaku, Sembilu (!!!!) eccentric tak hingatt..OMG, wish i could get hold of the video..would be something worth reminiscing in a few years' time ahead.

-how i-could-not-find-the-best-word-to-describe-this-feeling the road trip to W!lson's Prom was. the finale adventure for us. hmm, really should thank them for inviting us to join in this year. it made a hell lot of difference in my life here, i must say. pictures taken, jokes shared ( boleh tak, seseorang membebel tak tahan sejuk pastu letak tangan dekat speaker???ape lagi, yang dua org ini pun seronokla membuat lawak konon lagu pasang kuat sgt pastu letak tangan dekat aircond..bergegar seats belakang tuh dgn gelak ketawa!) poses acted, food finished up( yes, we so love aktiviti cicah-cicah!), long stroll taken, not to forget a failing attempt to re-create Bla1r W1tch Pr0ject (uhukkk, sebijik macam budak2 berlari nak kejar sales)..teheee, it was superduper FUN and JOYFUL 12 hours we had. but for me, the best part was when everybody lied flat in the big room, all cramped and packed up. next to each other. it felt like a big family. well, it is.

-i found the ring. a gift from my parents for SPM. it's been a year and half since i last said ' ya Allah, kalaula ia rezeki aku temukanlah semula'. eversince then, i didnt put any hope as i thought i've lost it in the middle of my sister's wedding. to have it happened almost a year after i lost my bracelet's gift for 21st birthday numbed me ( who wouldnt, after crying heart out after the 1st unfortunate event?). cut the story short, i was doing my usual spring-cleaning-before-flying-home and casually opened up one of the boxes and there it was, waiting for me. i cant describe how i felt. tried to call mum to share the joy but couldnt get through. it was only after a few weeks before she went off to Tanah Suci since she mentioned how she'd like to spring clean the cupboards at home in case the ring got lost in there. that very night, i dreamt of my mum. i must be wishing hard to talk to her about this not-for-trade-sentimental-values. Alhamdulillah. this small episode in life taught me well about hopes, HIS mercy and mysterious plans.

-It feels good to have everything ready to be gifted away to everyone's in home country. it feels like sharing my opportunity to be here with the rest. the thought that counts, it goes without saying. i've collected some while in NZ and topped up with 2 days of good shopping. the satisfaction and anticipation to see the smiles excites me more than the cringe of not being able to pamper myself (well, i did get away with a few actually. its called self-reward=p) it feels really good, indeed.

-The best analogue to my life now is baby step. walk a step, fall down. rise up. try to walk another step, fall down. rise up again. cries and giggles along the way.

It feels better after some tears..

I wanna stop writing for a while. I dont feel right at the moment. If i dont write back again even after i'm home, feel free to check out my local contact number (will be the same one) and give me a buzz. would love to hear and meet ppl. thanks.

p/s dont worry. i'm fine.

Melancholy

The Girls and road trips. Was it our last time?
Gush of emotion when wishing parents well for their Hajj.

To wait another month for solace in the folks' embraces.

What lies ahead, nobody know.

To realise that i will sorely miss the nephew and nieces' stories.

Go with the flow.

Tones of life. Accept, no regret.

We will meet again, girls.

Mixed

i (hope) i'm done with the battle for this year's medicine. the exams were over, tried my very best despite lacking of motivation towards the end of it. i know i deserved some rewards for being able to pull myself off and came this far. things has never been easier, but i managed. Praise to Allah.

i have this mixed feelings. i am euphoric to go home. i so can't wait to spend time with my beloved family and friends, to meet my 2 little heroes for the first time, to eat out as much as i can. a lot of ppl are expecting and waiting for my return and i hope my presence soon will make up for the loss of memories all this while. yes, i am very much happy and contented in that sense.

but there's some nagging feelings at the back of my head. i am afraid to face the fact that this is going to be the few remaining days to spend with the final years. they've been a really GROOVY and FUN-To-BE-WITH bunch of girls, full of vibes!! i am thankful for the chance to know and get closer to them this year but to think that there'll be no more of them next year scares me a bit. uhuk=( having said that, i know i've done my best. i know i've been enjoying myself and i know i am appreciating our time while it lasts.

not even the loss that took place a few hours earlier today snatched away my laugh while playing 'charade' at the bridal shower celebration. no, i didnt let. i am sad and sorry for whatever that happened but again, i believe i've done my best and that matters most to me now. i didnt wish for time-machine to go back and un-do my mistakes, i accept what's done is done. i didnt wish for another chance either, it'll be too cruel to ask for.

also the fact that i'm actually coming home to an almost empty house as my parents are leaving in 3 days' time for Hajj. yes, i'm this worried and anxious at the thought of something might happen to them and i'll forever be missing them. but later i learnt, i only have ALLAH to ask for . i will pray for their health and so that i will be able to see them again. i believe in Allah and i know HE will never let me down.

random

Reward after the VIA exam: 0ne tree h1ll !!

ADIK,




Do ur best for this SPM and pray a lot. I believe in you and i know you can do it. bersabarlah ye tunggu habis exam,nyehnyehnyeh!!

cheers

What we call rescue?

plan

I find myself in funny situations more often than never. lately, especially. the harder i tried to make things right, the worse it gets.hahahaha. it feels awful but i can't ignore my fault either. so, what choice do i have? hahaha. i think i wanna stop trying for a while. j.u.s.t s.to.p t.r.y.i.n.g.

I know this is another month's ahead but..

Sorry dugong-dugong girls. i think 3rd weekend in Dec wont be good for our mandi sungai trip. I might just arrive in town and have a wedding reception in N9 on sunday. Since that's the case, i need the next weekend for my family otherwise my sis in law will sweetly sulk. teheeee=D Dont wanna rush things off, i have another date to propose, will try my best to accomodate for that. nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii..

so l1yana, can i sleep over at ur place during weekdays instead?? maybe we can have dinner somewhere before that, and try to get anyone who can join us?? better still, do u have spare annual leave cos i need a shopping partner!!??

laugh..

i'm laughing at myself over the lack of impulse control. hahah, it's very obvious. when others would sit down and talk, i jumped straight into conclusion. hahah, smarty pants (NOT!). i so wanna laugh for never stop being thick. hahaha, failed to do what i preach. the thought of going *pooffhhtt* invisible and hiding myself somewhere inside a burrow sounds like the right solution. just like in animal world. the annoyingly unwanted creature goes and hides itself away from messing others' life. hahah, it's funny how i never learn from the repeating mistakes. i thought i did the last time, but no i didnt. hahah, very funny that i found myself shaking head in disbelief.

i know, i know. the loss is mine. hahah, but life goes on. isn't it?

tenang

jangan risau.

aku akan tenang dan senang bila ingat yang dunia nih tak kekal. satu masa nanti, aku takkan ada kat sini dah. bila masa tuh tiba, aku akan tinggalkan semua benda nih. until masa tuh sampai, aku cuma perlu bertahan dan persevere. sementara tunggu masa tuh tiba, ada benda aku nak buat.

osce

to those who doesnt know, OSCE consists of a few stations and each station will require us to do different things. history, examination, management and so forth within the specified time. nak kata macam main doktor-doktor pun boleh. one thing about this thing, there'll be one funny station to reflect back. something stupid we did/said out of panicky that we would laugh later on.

this time, station 9. woahh, manic patient. non-stop ramblings. homosexual, on the verge of breaking up with her partner. yada yada. i tried to take control of the situation. managed. now, she moved closer to me. ok oww! now, started talking about how pretty my scarf is, how she would like to take me as her(YES, her!!) new partner. moved closer. huwaaaaa!!

tried to touch me. out of kalut, cuak, panik...i blurted

'STOP! I'm sorry to say this. I'm a doctor. I cannot have any relationship with my patients..'

*my eyes wide-open. OMG, OMG..what should i say next???*

'bla..bla..blaa(not convinced)

*ok, final attempt*

'besides, i'm already married and i have kids at home'

'but you dont have your wedding ring..' (pointing at my bare fingers)

*rasa nak tepuk dahi sendiri. muka dah kelat*

'urghh, nevermind that..'

ngaaaaaaaaa...

p/s dont worry, the girl tuh acting out je, in fact at one point obviously dia nak tahan gelak tengok muka aku. mesti kelat-kelat masin.

mistake

deleted

hahaha

hahaha. hidup nih mmg satu ujian. sentiasa diuji kiri kanan, depan belakang. aku rasa aku gagal dgn ujian semua nih. kalah.

hahaha. manusia mudah lupa. sesuatu depan mata, mana ada nak appreciate sangat kan? bila dah takde, hmm takut baru nak carik..

hahaha. aku dah takde ape dah. habis. lepas satu, satu aku hilang.agak malang la jugak bila fikir.

hahaha. mana boleh nak lupa ape yang jadi tu sesenang aje. aku takkan lupa. silap. aku tak boleh nak lupa. sampai mati pun aku tak boleh nak lupa.

hahaha. sedih tapi gelak. hahaha.

Update

Update

Ayah M1's still in CCU. fifth day.underwent angiography/plasty(minute telescope into the artery to open up the blockage) three days ago. stable. alhamdulillah.called everyday to check on him and other family. mum's been on the ward each time i rang. could hear the beeping sound of the machine. not the usual backgound voice of his, teasing me for nothing. Didnt write that he's not yet reach 40 year old, did i? life's like that. i ended my conversation with mum saying

'I love you'.

brighter

I got back my psych assignment last week. to my big relief, i needed to do nothing with it. no resubmission, no whatsoever. it was all good. alhamdulillah. i know, i always thought of the worst case scenario. anyway glad that i was over with it and nothing to worry about.

2 days after, i received the placement for next year. my final year, insya Allah. here's

1 : 22/01/2007 - 02/03/2007 Elective (KB, Msia)
2 : 05/03/2007 - 13/04/2007 Medicine (JB, Msia)
3 : 16/04/2007 - 25/05/2007 Surgery (BH, Melb)
4 : 28/05/2007 - 06/07/2007 Specialty Infectious DIsease (BH, Melb)
5 : 09/07/2007 - 17/08/2007 Emergency (BH, Melb)
6 : 20/08/2007 - 28/09/2007 Vacation (Msia)
7 : 01/10/2007 - 09/11/2007 Aged Care (KC, Melb)

Yes, you read right. i will be in Msia from Dec right until Apr!l. how good is that? basically, i got all my 1st preferences apart from my specialty(still,that's one of my want-to-do-rotations) and i'm very pleased. Alhamdulillah. I'm really excited about going to JB so anyone in JB, care to meet up? or maybe anyone who would like to join us there and go island-ing? Yes, you read right again. I'll be back in Msia for Ramadhan, insya Allah. Let's hope and pray everything will go according to the plan. As for BH, it will be daily long journey for at least 4 consecutive months, but i heard the teaching there was really good so i'm looking forward to it.

Save the best for the last? heh, I have lost 4kg up until now, so there'll be another kg to go to reach my target weight before end of next month. then maybe i can try to lose another 5kg? hoh, aneroxic!

life

Disclaimer: My space, my thoughts.

I have a taste of life lately.

If only i could write everything down here, it would be easy peasy. ppl will understand why the happy-go-lucky vibes are no longer here and everything sounds hollow. as dark as the background. but i can't, and i won't. there'll always be something i need to hold back and advised myself againts telling.

in the past, i ignored my feelings, i went againts my intuition because i didnt wanna do bad in the eyes of society. and you know what, too much of repression makes me suffer. it put me in a lot of agony and at the end of the day, my world becomes grey. colourless. i thought that was the worst trial i need to face, so i persevered. with bruises.
so, what makes me tipped over this time?

go on reading..

betrayal used to be something i used to heard or seen, but now its part of my histories. once is unbearable and twice is killling. what makes someone backstab? even worse, what makes someone backstab the person who has been giving their back all this while through the rough journey? as a human, i am disgusted. as an affected soul, i am in deep sorrow. there goes my sense of security. i will forever be living in paranoid and pain. oh GOD, ppl cant blame everything on takdir, can they? should you asked me why not let it go? no, i choose not to because these ppl has been and will always be in my life's picture. that cuts right deep.

i walk in hopelessness. it was so gloomy and i dont want ppl to see me that way. that explains the missing of this space and urs truly. i dont wanna drag other ppl into my misery. i dont wanna let ppl see how vulnerable i am. i makes me feel even weaker.to add icing to the cake, i was presented with minute dispute. resolved, with take home message-its nice to be easy and nonchalant, just be prepared for ppl who might use it for their advantages.
*****************************

With the above life events, to hear that my uncle had a heart attack didnt move me abit. everything's already numb.

'Haah,dah kalih..dah tak rasa ape. banyak sangat benda sedih jadik, dah tak terkejut.hmm.'

iman yg diuji.

hurt

yes, i smiled and enjoyed those days.

-when i cooked for mini get-together with the studymates. each stuffed themselves with variety of food, later complained of about-to-burst-tummy..
-when i spent hours on the net with my family everynight/day for the week. 'joined' the family gathering and bbq hosted at my house. went to the clinic half-heartedly on my brother's engagement cos i really wanna 'join' the preparation. hearing my little heroe's voices and other loved ones soothed the ache of missing home. i didnt mind waking up from my sleep to hear and see them, and they really put up with my sleepy face.constant yawn =D
-when i dressed up and posed for the 1920's with the rest of the girls..everyone suprised each other with their own 'creativity'. best moments would be the picture-preview..full of vanity!hehe.
-when i received more kad raya from r0se & anee$a..not a bad collection this year;)
-when we had another girls' day out to the fiesta, walked around the town till our feets hurted and impulsively bought myself another pair of shoes..gelato and pecel lele completed the day
-when i met up with the whole bunch of ppl for the open house at the campus centre,with traditional foods and photography session after that. continued the day with house-hopping and pictures-hunting...

yes, i do enjoyed each and everything. even when i slept with tired eyes and damp pillow at nights. even with deep cut and bruises from the battles at every corner of my life. even with loss and despair.

raya

Woke up for subuh and stayed awake despite the early hour. showered and went down to kitchen and started preparing roti jala. earlier last night, cooked kuzi ayam. then the rest of the housemates joined in. as usual bila dah ramai2, hingaqq..

around 730, started to walk to the sports center for Eid prayer. beautiful sunny day. quiet journey as there's only 3 of us. the atmosphere there was hard-to-explain-with-words. non-discriminant. these pictures proved.

i wish i could record the khutbah. it came from the heart of the imam. beautifully said and insya Allah, listened. amongs all that i can remember

'During the Eid prayer, you see the mosque masya Allah, full with people. But for zuhr prayer, the very next prayer after eid, the mosque is empty...everybody's busy with the celebration. they forgot about jamaah. they forgot about the mosque'

'We do not have any control in our life. Only ALLAH has the power to control, and ALLAH is the GREATEST power'.

there was not much plan for the day. got ready at home while waiting for other friend to give us a lift to the joint-open-house. meantime, watched Peah's vidclip. rasa nak berguling2 gelak. iskk, rinduunyaaa...only had a destination for the day unlike the previous years, but the companies, the food and the joy we had made up for everything we missed back home. potlucks of laksa johor, mee rebus, rendang, lontong, kuzi, kuah kacang, cupcakes;), etc etc..scrumptious.

we spent the whole afternoon & evening eating, laughing, posing for the cameras and videos(!!), eating again, previewing the censored videos and pictures taken earlier, laughing out loud and watching movies.by the end of the day, everyone's knackered and i dozzed off in front of the tv in no time. what a pleasant and laid back celebration for me. as much as it doesnt feel much like raya this year, i had bundle of joy and sweet memories.

reached home around magrib and there were on the table

parcel from my sister. this time, it's almond london. ecstaticed after reading her note. i know, everyone's waiting for my flight home, i know;)

kad raya from kha1ee1. suprised, yet the kindest thought. duit raya, saya masuk tabung yeh?

i've promised my brother to go online so i bugged him. we both webcam-ed as almost everyone's home, so mum got to see me in my baju raya and i got to see how 'busy' they were breaking the last fast. penuh balai dengan food. afterwards, abg long managed to get us voice-chatted while vieweng each other, so i dont have to go downstairs to make a call. it was a quiet night for them, i could see. with lotsa XY's, there's not much they were doing apart from playing scrabble and lazing around. each took turn to entertain me while i was busy yawning. i hail for the technology for bringing me closer to my loved ones. there's nothing more precious than seeing their faces, even just on the monitor.

i went off to bed, CONTENTED. my 4th raya abroad is an almost-perfect one. My CREATOR, families and friends.

Allah MAHA ADIL, kan? DIA tak pernah biarkan aku kat bawah lama2..nanti DIA angkat aku balik, ke tempat yang lebih tinggi. syukur.

'I want you to remember one thing. Everyone here loves you very much...'
-Uncle-

p/s.the rest of the pictures? most probably after the exam=)

last

This may be my last time spending the whole Ramadhan here. insya Allah. also, my last time with the girls. they've been a great help for me to forget my sorrow, even for a while.

one fine day, years from now
-i will miss the anticipation of waiting for my parcels and kad raya. from the loved family and friends. along with them, attached the greatest thoughts and kindest regards. it's the best feeling. these make up their absence, partially.
-i will miss our get-togethers. potlucks and all. it's always been a therapeutic for me to be among the familiar faces and share each other's presence.
-i will miss our small activities after iftaar. may Allah bless us and accept our efforts to imarah this Holy month.
-all the trials and bumpy journey i am having now, i would reflect back. hopefully, i will be in better hands and place and keep the words of wisdom with me all the time. for every obstacle, i pray for rahmat and keredhaan.

This wednesday, insya Allah my 3rd brother will tie the knot with his soon-to-be-fiancee who is my friend-cum-senior in high school. yes, the 9498 batch. rest-assured, i have nothing to do with how they met with each other and managed to reach this stage=) in fact, it is a suprise for me, myself when i first know. nevertheless, i share their joy and will always pray for the best of them. i would like to keep this low profile and when the right time comes, i myself will make the invitation on their behalf here.

lastly, i would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya , Maaf Zahir Batin. for every action, word or silence that left a mark in anyone's heart, i sincerely ask for forgiveness. i cannot promise and can never be perfect, that's human. thanks for all the support everyone's been giving me all this while, by words and prayers.

till we meet again.

home

kisah dari kejauhan buat jantungku bergegar. tiada dugaan sebesar dugaan ini. tak sangka, sudah 10 bulan berlalu tp kisahnya masih bersisa.

dugaan yg buat aku rasa tak tertanggung. dugaan yg buat aku rasa takut. dugaan yg buat aku rasa terlalu sedih.

mungkin hikmahnya ialah aku tak lagi peduli akan kisah2 lain. biarlah takde kemaafan pun, biarlah. aku sudah penat untuk meminta.terlalu penat.

tapi ya Allah, aku tak mampu nak tempuh dugaan ini. dugaan yg sebenarnye menjadi bayang2 dalam diri aku selama ni.

aku pohon ya Allah.

Update

Few sms and a phone call from afar, soothed me. slowly, i learn to seek for help. for assurance. for hands to pull me up again. my blood.

defeated

I have an assignment to hand it tomorrow. however, i can hardly focus. self-blame and guilt halts me. i feel defeated. being at the receiving end, what goes around does comes around. ouch.

Face forward today! Think about the next adventure instead of dwelling in the past.