Gush

I may not wish to disclose the content of email for personal preference but would like to excerpt this...

my final year may not be all about exams, but i've got at least 5 supervisors to impress to get good pre-intern assessment. and i knew i didnt the last time i did it in msia. in fact, i reached my breaking point while working hard to reach the high-sky expectation. toughest time of all when ur so close to finishing, only to realise ur so far away. again, tears and fear were the dreadful company. only that i've gone back to the basic, ALLAH the GREATEST. as my bro's saying, i shuld do my best before accepting any failure than not trying my best and fail. and my belief also said so, HE will grant me whatever i deserve. even if the worst happened to me, i will not let myself stop there. i've got so much personal satisfaction and worthiness that i need to work on in this field and i cant stop half way.

as i wrote some time ago. this gush of urge to share this came while i was hopping from meddie's to meddie's. feeling for their pain, feeling sorry for them that their meddies' years went that way. i have no intention to offend anyone, any place or any educational system but i know where does the feeling roots from. cos i've touched it once and it drowned me. the feeling of worst, nauseating. dragged me down to the level i've never imagined i would be or survived. but i did. even at the point of writing this imagining the feelings, nauseating. to know that i choose to brave through the feelings again next year and after, for the name of family and little comfort, nauseating.

i need to ackowledge how lucky, chosen i am to experience the opposite here. away from the so-called homeland.

here, i was told and reminded that i could not possibly know everything. the only difference i can make is to know where to find the knowledge and who to get the wisdom. its should not be tough, instead its gonna be fulfilling. its gonna make u a better person, change u for what ur worth.

here, i seldom feel the discrepancy. of BIG doctors and small doctors, as of laymen term. i observed and fascinated at the hands-in-hands achievement. i immersed myself in the non-existent border between the layers of hierarchy and realised i could only dream of the same after finishing this.

here, i may struggle with being minority. not the nicest feeling, fair enough. of turning into an introvert and chose to be the quiet almost invisible shadow in the crowd but i could feel contenment. of being able to push myself a little bit more each time and reward myself justly with shopping trip and restaurant visits.

here, i appreciate my student's life as much as i appreciate people. i envision my future daunting working load as a little contribution to others' life. of being able to care and be human. i pray and hope that regardless, my intention does not change over the years.

trust me, i would not be able to become little miss genius, i do not work for that. i just want to make differences in people's life.' insya Allah, the nawaitu.

trust me, i am as scared as those of u who are struggling with papers and examiners. if only i could let you know that last year, the graduation dinner's over only to be told that there would be board of examiners' meeting less than a week away from the grads day, to decide those who actually need to withold their scroll-receiving ceremony. based on 5 pieces of paper, written by diff person who may have set up diff expectation and diff measures to grade a student. nothing of exams or orals or OSCE. i've seen how much it took away the excitement from the faces i very much knew had tried their best. i'm hiding my anxiety, my fear and my lacking confidence that i've meet the expectation of the person in previous rotation. this, will haunt me till december. how does that feels to you?

i'm holding tightly to my bro's words above. i shuld do my best before accepting any failure than not trying my best and fail. that way, i would not have any regret. that way, i'm accepting any possibilities after giving my best. that way, i strengthen my belief to the up above. that way, i dont mind braving thru the chilling 630am and return home 12 hours after that. that way, i realised how much knowledge and whispering satisfaction i gain from being the final year's.

dont make it any harder to urself.