Now i know...

I did not realise until that evening.

I put down my white coat and bag and landed on my bed. I was alone in my studio (kuarters). I lied awake staring the ceiling and slowly i felt the tears. I sobbed in silence. the tv's on and i let the tears flowing down my cheek. no words to describe how i felt.

It's been a while. I could not let people know how vulnerable i felt. i internalised the pain, i swallowed everything. i shuddered at the thought of people reaching out for me. the pain does not worth anybody's time.

I've accepted my loss (and the choice to leave). It's only this pain i have to deal with.

I closed my eyes and put myself to sleep.