Something from the song

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten, yeah
Oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines, yeah yeah
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
-Unwritten-

Thanks R for the song. I've been carving the words into my mind to brave through future tomorrow's. It really takes the inner courage in ourselves to determine who and how we'll be, or so i believe.

Foreign-Home Land

safe and sound, although days prior to departure were emotional ones. tears came down, uncontrollably.

as much as i'd wish to keep life personal, i just have to admit it's been very much trying for myself and i'm so vulnerable. that's why if you are to bring more confusion, sadness or anything like that to me in near future, just dont. thank you.

i wanna change myself. from a person who used to take note of everything to someone who's unconcerned. from a person who used to work hard to please other people and be nice to someone who put herself first. from a person who often lose her temper over something subtle-but-matters-to-her to someone who said to herself 'it's ok, it's not ur problem but theirs. if they think it's wrong they'll change but if they don't, its not ur fault. just, whatever'. from a person who used to believe in everything people said to someone who shrug off and remember that promises could never go beyond sweet talk.

ahh well.

even with list of things to deeply worry, grieve and be bitter about; at the end of the day i go on believing that everything's in HIS hands for HE is my ultimate HELP. i shall remain hopeful for the day my patience to be paid off. even if it doesnt reach there, i am hopeful to HIM. and that's all i need.

It's time

I'm leaving again.

i know it'll a lot lonelier. i know there'll be less people there for me.i know a lot of changes i need choose to adapt.

but no matter what, i need to brave through it all. no matter what, i need to toughen myself up. myself.

ahh well. whatever.

just, WHATEVER.

bye, malaysia.

Pause

Everything came down to me. if everyone would have a moment of uncertainty in this journey, that was mine.

where's the passion i used to have and love?

It can't be just...anyone

maybe,rare breed.

when others may thought that he is such a blur and so expressionless in his acting, i find him appealing in his own naivety way. haha, random i know. i love his subtle-ty in expressing himself. i am attracted to his i couldnt-care-less attitude to the world, but care enough about people to be emotional.he gives me this comfort feeling, if i could describe it why. dominant but nothing close to being chauvenist. as i am not comfortable and jerk away from over-enthusiastic's cos i find it scary, so he is j.u.s.t n.i.c.e.

why am i not fascinated by the ohh-so-good-looking-eye-candy faces of others? the ones who say things out smoothly..the ones who get all the girls to dream on and be charming effortlessly in the movies/dramas? ok, maybe they do get my attention but it'll be just for a while,and nothing as comforting as to watch him? in fact, they all look fake in my eyes.nothing to intrigue me.tasteless.

ahhh, well.

Final straw

yeah, tioman's the finale little retreat. as much as i'd like to expore the island, i very much appreciate my nap under the shade by the beach..snorkelling was indeed, a beautiful experience with strikingly-colourful fishes and chorals..but not the sea-sickness by the end of it though=(..seafood buffet was simply perfect with lots n lots of watermelon i put in my plate..heh, i'm so random.

but nothing beat my final experience before leaving mersing. all bus tickets were sold out and taxi driver wanna charge us with some ridiculous amount. well, i thought maybe two of us could do with bus-hopping but prior to that after performing my jama', i simply went 'permudahkanlah urusan kami. selamatkanlah perjalanan kami...' while walking towards the town to look out for bust stop, as much as none of us would dare to hope, someone from counter called out for us saying that there were extra 2 tickets left as someone decided to gave them up for taxi trip.

selangkah ku dekat padaMU, seribu langkah KAU dekat padaku.

hmm, i'm ready to wrap up JB. all i care about now is to be at home with my family. awkwardly homesick. somebody, pls save me!!

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Someday I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I want to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so I'm afraid to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

couldnt find any other song with stronger emotion than this..

For once

It's just after a week

sms-Yups, enjoying it. so far rasa segar. but today x compliance plak. neway, feel already losing some inch kot'

(since she took it for wellness, i'm sure weight and inches are not her priorities..but more like a bonus!)

and as for me? this will do

to Mrs Siddiq, you might find these sites useful..enjoy it ok!

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/search/label/herbalife%20tips

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/search/label/shake%20recipes

Game??

'for number one, it is how u look at urself. ko rasa diri ko cemana. so utk ko, u see urself as fragile, lemah and need to be taken care of. actually, i'm suprised that u didnt say because it's beautiful...or colourful cos aku macam expect that kinda reason for it'

'for number two, it's someone who u'd like to be with. so, yours is rare,susah nak dapat..'

'for number three, it's who u actually are. so, you are a survivor'

Last week's

i walked home exasperated. long hours is not as worst as having to deal with p*g-headed ppl. i'm suprised how much certain malaysians love make other ppl less welcomed and comfortable in their own land. heh, personally i regards u ppl as making fool of urselves and respect is not something u gonna get from me *rolled eyes* what a shallow minded so-called berbudi-bahasa ppl we have here*chuckle*

well, whatever*shrug*

let's move on to something fun, ok. well, for a start i decided to take out my dissapointment, despair and longingness with a few laps every night.it worked really well, i figured. high on endorphins, i'm a bit better to brave another day. it's just that i can be a bit funny. since i choose to have my private moments roughly past maghrib prayer, the pool's abit dark so instead of having a peace of mind under the water, i end up imagining things. u know, that things..syyhhh, i know i know. i must not watch horror movie anymore!!*cover eyes*

Also, i make sure i'm full-on for the weekend.nothing's worse than doing nothing. the weekend before, 1zza came over to our place. during the day, we were at CS and enjoyed girls' time browsing items in the display area. got myself one of need-to-buy stuff. went out for dinner at tunggu sebentars1nggah selalu before heading to danga bay. another girls' time strolling, laughing and acting teens;) i really had good time, i do. we end up with a nice collection of photos that night.

then, i went out with my housemates to pelang1 plaza to enjoy end-of-the-week treat. japanese food tastes nicer with ur friends to share and compliment on the decoration. i'm happy with how my 2 australian friends enjoy their malaysian experiences. from the small thing of trying goreng pisang cicah kicap pedas to massive shopping opportunities..but as malaysian, i'm ashamed of how the taxi driver rip our money off every now and then, worse still to remind them to be careful of pick-pocket's in shopping mall. why cant this country be more safe and enjoyable tourist place? and to my BIGGEST blow, one of them was very upset the other day after being bullied and accused by the so-called medical practitioner. tell me, aint they got enough of making things hard on us, the locals?

and as requested.....*drum roll pls*
HELLO, WIEZA & SERI!!! (and syu;))

to far1na, syu, wieza and seri..thanks so much for coming over and giving us blast of time..we sure had so much fun in singapore, eye-ing the animals and sale-hunting...not to forget food-tasting ( i dare not to mention the name of the meals, kan seri kan???LOL).. tiny weeny funny incidences/conversation we had spice it all up too;)

and to add to the crowd, az1e izza and tote was there for our sunday breakfast. *yippee*

Help me!

I AM SO STRESSED OUT.

like i told esah, my supervisor's a dirty pervert but at the same time, an icon for medicine in malaysia. he's damn good and full of knowledge to give out, but no joking his 'accidental behaviour' and dirty words freaks me out. like, i've never been in this kinda profesional dilemma before where i know i'll learn almost everything from a person but his attitude is way out of norm.

suffice to say, he set up high standard and i am nowhere near to achieve that. yes, be realistic. how much reading can i do when i've got 5 modules to take care of at the same time in 6 weeks? didnt our memory and concentration capacity also deteriorates while we're stress? this M0nash thingy also demands researches but i'm only connected while i'm in hosp. ok, dont get me started about the desperate weirdos on the roads who stops us from thinking about coming home late to finish our job.

i still havent figure out how to finish everything and at the same time, impress THE supervisor.

i tell you, i do have palpitation and cold hands now.

STEP BY STEP

1. Read about the nutritional facts of herbalife products (refer entry below)

2. Here's for more testimonials about the products

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/search/label/testimonial

look out for mine in there

3. Order your herbalife now.

- Starter packs (can either choose vanilla, chocholate, tropical fruit or cappucino flavour) consists of Formula 1, Formula 3, Tea mix and spoon=easily last for a month if u take it twice daily
-Shaker= very useful for breakfast if ur running late.

leave ur email here or contact me, i'll give u further details.

4. Snap a lot of pics of urself, body parts and face. Measure ur body parts in inches (arm, waist, bottom, hips) and keep records of them. weigh urself.

5. Once u get ur herbalife, enjoy the shake twice and a normal meal daily , on top of that mix ur mineral water bottle with tea mix.
observe ur energy changes. my advice is dont focus too much on the lost kg's and inches, but observe also ur energy level, skin condition and 'unhealthy cravings'. ehem, we gotta lose some to win some kan?after all, u can still enjoy ur daily doses of fave food, just make sure its moderately taken;)

6. Repeat step 4 after day 3, day 7, day 14. records ur achievements and share with me.

dont worry, i'm not doing door-to-door promotion. i'm writing this for the sake of sharing my experiences and spread it out to those interested. after all, i've got nothing to lose here. i will always stay slim and HEALTHY, no matter what;)

Superwoman;)

i was preparing my breakfast shake when my housemate came to the kitchen

S: so, how long have u been taking this thing? (referring to herbal1fe, what else?;))

Me: hmm, more than a month actually but i havent been consistent before i came here.

S: dont u get sick of it? ( must be tired of seeing me getting my breakfast and dinner done in a blender)

Me: not really. in fact, it helps me with my migraine and gastritis. i dont get it anymore

S: really?

Me: yup. i always get gastritis because i skip and dont really bother about meals ( psstt, when i'm actually lazy to prepare meals),but with this one not anymore cos i make sure i have it.

S: is your migraine really bad?

Me: yup, the one with nausea and vomiting. sometimes, i just forget to drink water so i get headache. so with this one, i make sure i drink 2L of water.

i shuld've added the first reason: I never have enough of shakes**..

let me tell u a story. while i was doing my elective before coming to JB, i woke up barely at 645 and knackered out by 10pm.sometimes even before that. i didnt have to stand for long hours in the hospital, kinda ok days. well, every meddies knows that elective's supposed to be a light rotation.

for this rotation though, it has been very long days. i wake up at 6am so that i could do some work, be in the hospital from 8-5 and stand most of the time or walk up and down the hill, come home and stay awake until past 11pm. i know its nothing new for some of u,no offense. but its eyebrow-lifting for me cos i only have

breakfast: 500ml of shake**.

lunch: normal meal +500ml of teamix*

dinner: 500ml of shake

before sleep: 500ml of teamix

kinda funny with this kind of eating habit, i dont get gastritis which i would've some time ago. kinda funny with this kind of day, i dont suffer from headache.

i must have turned into superwoman.

opss, u mean starved or deprived myself from eating? heh, i still get my daily doses of fave food once a day. moderation is the key;)

**half cup of soymilk +half cup of plain water+half cup of yoghurt drink/apple +2 spoon of Formula 1 Nutritious Mixed Soy Powder Drink +1 spoon of Formula 3 Blended Soy and Whey Protein Powder +ice cubes(occasionally cos i cant tolerate ice) =500ml shake.

*500ml water bottle +a spoon of teamix.

p/s..i know i sound all obsessed and ridiculous about this , never mind that. read what other people say HERE

HERBALIFE personalised weight management STARTER PACK

1) Formula 1 Nutritious Mixed Soy Powder Milk
Click here for Formula 1 Nutritional Shake Mix

NUTRITION FACTS

Control your weight with the ShapeWorks Weight Management Programme
Obtain healthy Cellular Nutrition
5 different flavours : Dutch Choc, French Vanilla, Tropical Fruit, Capuccino, Strawberry
Helps you feel full, satisfied and energetic
Each serving contains 8.65g of soy protein
Rish in dietary fiber, vitamins and minerals, including the important antioxidants A, C, E
Directions: Blend/Stir 2 tablespoons (25g) of Formula 1 with 240ml of non-fat milk, juice or favourite beverage. Create your own recipe by adding fresh fruit and ice.

For General Well Being : Recommended to replace 1 meal daily with Herbalife Shake
For Weight Management : Recommended to replace 2 meals daily with Herbalife Shakes and eat one well balanced meal.
For Maximum Results : Combine with Formula 3 Blended Soy

2) Formula 3 Blended Soy and Whey Protein Powder
Click here for Formula 3 Blended SoyNUTRITION FACTS

The cells of immune system, skin, hair and muscle all depend on protein for proper functioning and growth
Increase protein intake WITHOUT adding extra fat/calories
Increase the feeling of fullness and helps adequate protein intake
Contains approx. 5g of protein per level tablespoon
NO fat, sugar, carbohydrates, yeast, cholesterol, salt, lactose, sweeteners.
Suggested Serving : 1 tablespoon added to Formula 1 Shake or stirred with other food an beverages (inc yoghurt, soup, sauces)
For Maximum Results : Women should add 1-2 tablespoons to Formula 1 Shake. Men should add 2-3 tablespoons to Formula 1 Shake.


3) Tea Mix - Lemon & Hibiscus
Click here for Herbal Tea-Mix NUTRITION FACTS

Exhilarating beverage blended from 5, fast acting natural botanicals
Each serving calorie-FREE
Delicious hot or cold
Complement Weight Management Programme
Helps 20% of weight loss
Directions : Mix 1/2 teaspoon with 200ml - 240 ml hot/cold water

sigh

it was a pleasant weekend in ipoh with my aunt and fellow cousins. we potato-couched on friday night with Stranger than F1ction(well, nice movie...but nothing extraordinary), Identity (MUST WATCH, mind-blowing!!) and The Prestige(hmm,not too bad...still worth watching). i know, here's the only place where i can watch movies without falling asleep. kinda impressive,hehe.

next day was the event i went there for. his engagement..and liz, yes it's benz i'm talking about. earlier,i enjoyed u-cant-escape-laughing trivia over breakfast with my aunt and her sons..here's 4 brothers who truly cherish their brotherhood, rare breeds.

so, my brother cousin has tied the knot. part of me is happy for he has found his better half, but half of me is undeniably sad for all the company priviledge i'm gonna miss. heh,whatever...

after that, i went out with my aunt for our girly girly party princess. oh yes,here's for being her princess. she insisted me to choose and happily pay for it.

i shouldnt say no to this, right?


i was back in JB by sunday morning. hmm, out of the blue moon my heart went funny again. said to myself, please dont. i cant ... overwhelmed, i run away. this time, i settled for Mukhs1n. pure innocent love, if u ask me. it beats any of Yasm1n Ahmad's other movie (sorry, i dont dig sepet cos i hardly see love, but lust)..good laugh all along but at the end of it, something got into my eyes..hmm. i like how the story ends itself. familiar.

'the house seems lonely without u all'- sms from my aunt.

mixed-up.i shed. i asked myself, why sunday never go easy on me? why the thought, why the wish?

it was monday. the incident. for once, i am grateful for my white coat. dirty old man BASTARD. very upset and traumatised, SHOCKED. i wrote to Pau1, the australian gentleman who's in charge here, i know he's the only one who can help me go through this. i wish the person not to get away with this, even it means putting my graduation at stakes.

sigh *head down*

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin’ alone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
Oh
Don’t wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

Share to Care

Disclaimer: they're facts. i, by no means wish to go vain or brag.

i've been using herbal1fe for the past month to maintain the lost weight and lose some more. although i havent been able to use it religiously due to event after event in my life,differences are noted.

- i lost 3 kilo's and maintain my weight at it.
- my waist went down from 29 to 25.5 inches, so does other part of my bodies too (need to ask me personally about that)
- a lot of relatives commented that i've shrunk. brothers, cousins, distant families and family friends. even my tailor couldnt recognise me cos she said i was big (ouch ouch ouch!) when we last met.
- my skin gets better.
- i sent all my baju kurung for alteration and have got no jeans to wear cos they are all loose now.i can fit into my sister's S-sized skirt too.
- i feel good about myself.

if u ask me why?

- i dont have to worry about my breakfast and dinner. i'm running busy at the moment, so does i believe most of us. my meals will be formula 1+formula 3+a cup of soymilk+a cup of plain water(u can add up yoghurt, fresh fruits or yoghurt drink...whichever u like to it)+ice cubes..can either blend or use the shaker...in between, i fill in my water bottle with formula 2(tea mix)..it keeps me hydrated and energised for the whole day. i sustain my whole morning with shake, have normal lunch and light dinner with another shake. for me, its a reasonable way of losing weight and keeping me healthy.

-for all i know, i've got all the nutrients and vitamins needed in daily basis. no need for multivitamins tablet, no need for energy drink whatsoever. this actually detox ur body as well.

- once i've established my ideal/wished weight, i'll continue using this. for a health conscious but too lazy to prepare good meals like me, this is the ultimate solution.have it once daily and i'm done for the nutrients requirement.easy peasy.

- i am what i eat.

if i can divide us into 3 categories

-health person who wanna stay healthy= consume this once daily and u'll be nutrionised & energised.

-someone who need to do something with weight= u can lose and gain weight with this product. it's a meal replacement plan. u DONT have to starve urself to lose weight, nor binge into fattening notorious food to gain weight. just DONT.

- suffer from medical problems= i know a friend who uses this for her sinusitis and approved that it works. i've read about ppl having various kind of illnesses(diabetes, high blood pressure, acne etc) who benefits from this as well. it may not cure but helps u control the probs.

i'm here to be ur personal motivator.can either call or email snuryati@gmail.com. otherwise just leave ur email here and i'll write back to u. it doesnt hurt to share good experiences, right?

Let's play the game

RULES: People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Reasons: i want to prove that i'm not weird. yelah, apart from being tagged thrice!;p

1. makan- i save the best for the last. dari kecil lagi dah mcm tuh. lets say dlm byk2 lauk ada yg fave, mesti simpan utk makan last. sape yg tak tahu, mesti ingat tak suka pastu ambil from pinggan;( tapi kalau kakak adik, semua dah faham. unless kerang, itu silalah ambil semua. bau pun dah nak m*ntah & severe headache.

2. tido- i am not gifted with the ability to sleep after subuh. even if i managed, it'll be disturbing headache after i wake up for the whole day. nope, not even when i'm tired or over the weekend. i would toss and turn for more than an hour but to no avail. thats why kalu sleep over, akan terkebil-kebil kat katil bila org lain tido balik. but my bedtime is as early as baby's. and i need to cover my face to sleep.

3. takut-uhh, my reflex would be to cover both ears with hand and half-close my eyes. regardless, takut manusia takut serangga takut anjing takut benda takut hantu. semua pun buat macam tuh. contoh dulu2 would be masa kena kejar anjing kat park or masuk ghost house. horror tak horror, there's this time masuk ghost house kat penang fest. instead of this hantu buatan tuh keluar from the box and takutkan ktrg, i covered my ears and scream my lungs out ordering him to get back into the box. i'm sure he had ringing in the ears after that ;D

4. cerita seram-oohhhh, i soo love cerita hantu. ask my friends, i would always go 'eh, jom tengok' 'eh, jom beli cd cerita hantu nih'. but they'll smirk at me cos they know, i only watch 10% of the movie and dont even understand the story. remember, i fully cover my face half-close my eyes when i'm scared? that's whyy!!!! but again, whenever i saw the next horror/scary movie, i would 'eh, jom tengok!'

5. duduk- bersila on the chair. anywhere, restaurant, study table, cinema, car. i know, it's so tak perempuan melayu terakhir(heh, like i care!). if u see me bersila while eating, that means the food's good; while watching movie, that means the movie's entertaining; while studying, that means i'm learning; at the co-pilot seat, that means i'm comfortable with the drive.

6.minum- i dont drink while and after eating. that why if u go out eating with me and i order 'air suam', its not i'm jaga badan stingy-cheapskate, but i know i cant finish my drink. i just have the drink in case tercekik (betullll, takut jugak tiba2 tersedak takde air nak minum,heheh..) i would drink an hour or later after that, which usually i forgets. tuh sebab selalu headache, kurang air.

told ya, i'm not weird.phhhhfftt!!

p/s wireless no more after this. just assume i'm buried under the modules and long list of things-to-look-up-tonight or joyfully enjoying the condominium FOC..hailllll to my university! ohh, just call me if u need me;)

Laugh & Grim

see, even with the traumatising experiences, we managed to laugh our gut out every night. who wouldnt ? when on the very first day, we mistaken an Indian doctor with another. we talked to him for about 5 odd minutes, being oblivious to his puzzled face...only to realised after that, we've been asking the wrong doctor. OMG, i swearr they looked alike!! *hide my face* silly!
********************
next incident was on the same day, i think. i agreed to accompany my fren to buy dinner for her and 2 other girls. alah, yang mcm dataran full of food stalls tuh. we were both unfamiliar with the place as it was our first time. so there, 3 polysterene packs we brought back. i left her to dig in her dinner when she went

'YAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, maii cepatt!!'

*ape pulak budak nih. kalut semacam*

then she showed me

first pack, nothing.

second pack, written 'special 4 u'

third pack, a name and a phone number.

'AAARRRGHHHHH,WAHAHAHHA'
*rolling on the floor laughing*
OMG, these ppl couldnt be anymore rempit ke eh??? nasib baik aku tak beli pape, kalu tak mesti was-was nak makan..kan dah kurang satu pelanggan, tobat aku tak pergi dah kedai tuh.
***************
this is even funnier. we were following ward round when suddenly the whole cubicle bergema dgn lagu2 melayu gersang . tak cukup dengan tuh, terdengar suara sumbang ikut nyanyi sama from the room opposite to it.pantri rupanya. ya rabbbii, boleh pulak bukak karaoke kat ward nih..kitrg dah siggung siku each other,
'oiii, ingat nih jamb*n rumah korang ke..??'

aku rasalah kan, kalu pakcik2 dalam ward tuh sihat walafiat, mesti habis mamat2 tuh kena belasah sebab buat pencemaran bunyi. sabar jelahh!
***************
he's our supervisor, the moment we were introduced to him, i went 'eh, macam muka M daud k1lau?' hihihih. so, it's true of what i've heard..he did have a lot of unnecessary gestures, often involving touch.. regardless of gender. even worse, he did talked double-meaningly and gave out dirty 18sx jokes *blank face*. quiet petrified, if u ask me. regardless, we had 3 solid teaching full of tips and ilmu. in the middle of the drill, he was trying to illustrate how food and background can expose to certain disease and he went

him: so, what does javanese like to eat?
my fren: tempe??

*i almost hv muscle cramp sebab tahan gelak...of course, he's looking for some other thing..not that popular answer*
*************************
remember my first name? i've been using it as my nickname for my formal-hospital-life-with-the-locals back in melb cos it's so easy to pronounce. little did i remember if i continue to use it in malaysia, it welcomes great trouble for me. but i did, forgetfully. the name's controversial, so does the doctor's name mentioned above. apparently, i share first name with the so-called malaysia's top singer and he share the top singer's husband's name. lengkap dengan datuk. so u can imagine how disastrous it was when he talked to a patient in clinic

'haah..nama saya mmg datuk (alphabet), tapi bukan yang tuh. mana (my first name) saya? takde eh'

*i quickly pulled the coat to cover my tag and put up a i-dont-know-face. while my 2 fren, pusing belakang gelak siap tepuk2 dinding..kurang asam gila!!*

thank god, he's not so good with faces..otherwise i would've jump off the corridor?
************************
'ketepi ketepi gergasi sudah kembali...'

heheh, there's this lady doctor who really makes our life left-right-front-back. dah tak larat nak kena langgar, pastu ditarik ke belakang, ditolak ke tepi....masalahnye dia sorang saje buat mcm tuh, pastu pulak tak nampak sgt fungsi dia ber-lipas kudung ke sana sini...aduiii, penat tengok.

sorang lagi doktor, lagi kelakar. terlampau arrogant sampaikan make fool of himself. ape punya kisah laa nih deyyy!
***********************
ini tak kelakar tapi takut. nak beli tiket balik kl this weekend, tertinjau2 la cari kaunter. ingatkan nak tolong bila dia approach and bawak ke satu kaunter, sekali dpt harga yg asik berubah2 ikut tarikhla, musim cuti laaa....dah pening

me: eh, boleh berubah2 ek harga?
him: kamu jangan nak bahasakan saya tukar2 harga!.. ini kerja saya..(pokpek pokpek)!!

maaaakkkkk, samseng tiket bas!! nasib baik berjaya larikan diri guna taktikk nak bincang dgn kawan dan menyelinap keluar slps beli tiket kat kaunter lain. dibuatnye kena tahan dgn dia, nauzubillah...


seee, i am still a silly girl who forget her age ;) dont u think?

Whatever, ok?!!

it was only day 3, we were getting used to the ward and everything..there she came. another so-called physician. after asking where we are from and what are we doing, here's for us

' i dont understand, if you are from the university there then what are u doing here? this is funny.weird. u shouldnt be here, how much is the chance to do oversea? u should do everything there and then only come back. i can accept if its elective but not other. it's a waste, u know..go and tell ur friend not to do the same. it's a waste..'

*while shaking her head*

STUPEFIED. SPEECHLESS. PERPLEXED. COMPLETE TOLD OFF.

yes.you are right, lady. i should be there so that i wont get this kind of treatment/welcome. i shouldnt be here to get pushed around for some stupid burocracy matters. for a moment, i forgot that my real intention of choosing to stay in malaysia longer is so that i can prepare myself for next year, the treated like a dog internship year. to learn and get familiar about the system. and i thought this is home?

for all i know, i want to learn and there's no limit to that. its from everyone and everywhere. i hold no grudge but i will prove u wrong. i will prove u wrong.

Life goes on, isnt it?

Reading the modules, there are 5 of them. what is called as self-directed learning, apparently i find them gonna be useful and intriguing for the rotation. heaps of things to do and observe, also to take note and compile everything. gonna be a bit tedious but at the end of the day, i'm sure it will helps me alot.
Motivation level: 100%.

upon entering M0nash office, i feel home. no kidding, i feel home. the smiley secreatary and prof, everything (ok, plus the aircond=p)....funny, the 1st thing emphasized by the prof was about the white coat (GOD, help me. it's stinking hot here and u want me to don that? i'm sorry, no offense to anyone reading this) and how we need to be wary about some attitudes in the wards. no need to detail on that on, i assume. despite all that, i feel home.
Motivation level: 110%

upon entering the ward, it's so 'welcome to the real world of red-tapes and nasty ppl'. culture shock is a more appropriate word, i guess.
Motivation level: 10%

Hello from JB

hello hello!!

as u can read (;p) i,m now settling down in JB. at the moment, i'm bunking at my fren's hse before moving into !ndah Samudra, fully furnished condominium provided by M0nash to the final year students.

this gonna be my 1st day in hosp, just finished reading the student handbook and for all i know, it seems to be a TIED-UP rotation. yayy to busybee!! at least, i love the word student intern ;)

will write more when time permits..btw, anyone happen to be in JB or gonna be here why dont u give me a call/msg so that we can meet up? study pun study jugak, social life kena jaga =)

My buah hati pengarang jantung, xoxo

Di suatu hari,

He: whaddaaaat?? (what's that) *pointing to his papa's drawing*

Abg Ngah: papa draw..

He: ohhhhh, pandainyeeeeeeee..good boy...

Abg Ngah & Kak Sya: *laugh out loud*

ohh, nak kidnap bawak balik melb boleh tak??

24 ke 14?

So, Ar1p (Buff) was in town last week for a conference, so me and Na managed to cilok and rompak him at Mc'D for some prosperity meal. nyehnyehnyeh! so, we casually updated each other and gossiped until he asked me

Arip: so how's Austral1a? dah berubah ke since aku pergi Melb dulu? apa tempat yg best eh kat sana?

to which i replied

Me: ok jeh. hmm, kalu for married couple or nak honeymoon ke aku suggest sydney la sbb byk tmpt2 best n cantik. tp kalu teenagers, macam kita nih maybe better Melb sbb lagi happening and byk benda best2 boleh buat.

and he laughed heartily. so does Na

Arip: yatt....ko rasa ko still teenagers ke??? kita dah bukan teenagers..aku dah 24..teenagers ni kalu ko nak tahu yg umur 10-19..hahah, ko nih yatt..macam 14.

to which, supported by Na.

Na: heheheheheh, haahla yatt..ko rasa ko teenagers lagi ke??hehehhee..

*hmmmmmppphhhhh.hhmmmpphhhhh*

masalahnye, aku tak tersasul. mmg aku rasa mcm tuh. masih belasan tahun..
*sheepish grin*

Them & My Whereabouts

since tak dapat lagi nak upload pics byk2, hope this will do. for all i know, i'm a dead meat (!!) if either one of them saw this picture here...

*uhhhh uhh, lariiii!!*

as for me, i'm going to shah a1am tomorrow, then baru pergi JB. 1st weekend in march, back to shah a1am to attend my ciktun's wedding. 2nd weekend, pergi ipoh for aliff's engagement. yes, consider urself lucky to be one of my favourites's cousin =p (i know, i'm ur fave too!) . kalau ada rezeki dapatla squeeze in time to attend ain's big day...but i'm sure i'll be happily stucked in ipoh for some girl's time with dearest aunt.

since my bro moved from kl to shah alam, i'm no longer mobile *cry cry* really miss my shopping rotation in kl, also planning out with frens. that's why liyana, aku tak dapat bagitau ko exact time bila aku turun kl again. can we move back to kl, pleaseeee? i'm so patah kaki =(

Refresh

so, some are well hide-up.

as good as life can be.

with hiccups here and there.

wanna see pictures?

Nikmat Iman

dah lama nak tulis pasal nih. something i always ponder everytime i stumbled. how Allah has make it a lot easier for us, HIS servants to sail our life.

each and everyone of us has been, is and will be tested by HIM. at some stage, at some point of life. there's no exceptional cases. there's no justification for us to question why some ppl are having less burdens and looks happier than us cos we just dont know what's going on with their life. even if they're, they may have had their share in the past, or even in the future. my point is, we are the same. HE does not spare anyone to be tested.

but Allah also ease our pain with iman. when we strongly believe that nothing happen for nothing. Allah takkan menjadikan sesuatu itu sia-sia. that's what i've been holding on for quite some time. from living experience, i know it sounds too petty when our probs are crushing our life and we just dont know how to take another day. the feelings are fair, but with iman we learn the ways to be a true muslim(ah). we learn to take it as another test from Allah, we learn that Allah will always love us no matter what, we learn that life in this world, after all is very very transient.

when we've grasped that, the probs are no longer hiccups for us and we slowly lead the day as though nothing has ever happened before. we are no longer looking at life as we used to.

for me, that's a nikmat. a pleasure.

Why 10 hours?

The place may not give me sense of familiarity, but the stranger-ness makes me forget the excess baggage in life. to be lost in the crowd, i find peace with mind. the un-known atmosphere makes the known bitterness less significant. the struggle to survive and make every single effort worthwhile outgrow the sinking grimace. it's like setting myself free and find solace in a totally different world. bingo.

everyday, new ppl new experiences new feelings i brought home. some are to be smiled to, some are to be taken as daily lessons. how easy when u take life that lightly, when u firmly believe it is so transient to be worried about, and yet you are determined to make the best out of it.

i am proud of myself, for being able to.

Strength of faith

percayalah, Allah takkan menjadikan sesuatu itu dengan sia-sia.

"Happiness comes in many forms. in the company of good frens. in feelings u gave when u make someone else's dream comes true. or in the promise of hope renewed. its ok to let urself be happy, because u'll never know how fleeting that happiness might be. " - OTH 0412.

Say nothing at all..

Maybe getting over someone you're in love with isn't impossible. Unless, maybe you don't actually get over it. Maybe you just learn to live with it. - Felicity-

she watched the movie and quoted it for me. how did i answer her?

'haah, betul. aku tak dapat nak let it go tapi aku just learn to live with it'.

to put a name to something.

"makcik ada rasa macam jantung terbakar tak?"

Yang Syiok

pagi-pagi sebelum pergi, i gave my parents hugs and pecks. everyday.

ape-ape nak makan time lunch, semua aci boleh. tak payah nak inquire cashier, tak payah nak tilik ada meat ke tak. harga pun boleh tahan...

hospital macam pasar raya. tak putus2 orang berlegar-legar. so takdela rasa isolated sgt.hehe

colleagues. welcoming. i guess what i really enjoy seeing is the harmonious multiracial community. cute betul bila ch!nese cakap melayu.

senang sgt nak solat. tak perlu risau utk cari empty room or space. sgt dipermudahkan.

Yang Kurang Syiok

kena pakai lab white coat. urghhh, panassssss!! maafla, bukan nak kipochi tp slame ni tak pernah kena pakai...

i thought to converse with the patient in English is tough enough, but in kelantanese....huwaaaaa,SUSAHHHHHHHHHHH!! asik uhhh ahhhh uhhh ahhhh taktahu nak translate cemana. hence the above dialogue(ok, obviously it doesnt come from me cos i'm doing O&G,heheh). but its true, you'll never know how tricky it is until u give the 1st attempt. weihhh hani, serious aku kena kasi crash course utk ko learn to speak kelantanese,hihihihi!!

it's not that easy to fit in.hmm

i really appreciate the learning opportunity but 2 hours of slides presentation? i'm sorry but my attention span couldnt sustain that.

So, i agree

"...dah go thru a lot of major sufferings. i lost my loved ones. parents, abang2 semua dah takde. so bila macam tu, life becomes so transient to me. hidup nih hanyalah sebagai musafir.bila rasa mcm tuh kan, dah tak peduli ape orang kata. nak kata ape pun, katalah."

" It's very hard when the enemy is your family. you cannot hate them"

" Life nih macam boxing ring. we are the boxers and our life is our opponent. we fight. kita lawan pastu kita jatuh, kita bangun balik. sebab tuh mat salleh selalu ckp i'm at your corner. these people yg akan support kita. they care and love us very much. diorg nih ape tak buat? bagi kita minum air, ckp strategi mcm mana nak lawan opponent kita, lap peluh kita, sampaikan gigi palsu kita pun diorg tadah dgn tangan sendiri. sayangnye dekat kita. we dont have to justify anything to them, they already know. tp ada juga org2 yg kat luar ring tuh, yang tak buat ape. tunggu kita jatuh jeh. we dont need these people in our life."

" It's true when ppl said the opposite of love is not hate, but dont care. because when you hate you still have feeling, but when you dont care you lose the feeling"

"Cheers for ur courage, smile and live on."

"To love means letting go."

"You could not live other people's life. pray that good sense will prevail."

"...berdosa sangat tp tak boleh. bila teringat tu, datang rasa nak marah. tak boleh nak lupa".

17/18th Feb

This coming CNY hols is the next big thing. there'll be wedding reception for me my brother, which equates to BIG FAMILY GATHERING. looking forward!! can't wait to meet the familiar faces, to enjoy the great company and be part of the crowd.

the reception itself wont be big and glamorous, but i will have great time working with the aunties and cousins. tradition of working hand in hand. jokes and helps. i'll be too occupied to snap away pictures though ;-(

so hani, it'll be ur 1st weekend here. i will try my best to make u feel at home. memula risau juga takut aku tak sempat nak entertain and bring u around but i'm sure u'd love to experience kampung style of wedding kan? and worry not, there's wi-fi to keep u connected ( and has been keeping me sane,hehe). and heck, we can do some shopping spree after that...ohh, i love!*bling bling bling* insya Allah, there'll be nice suprise for you that weekend too. hopefully, she manages to book the ticket.

anyone else coming to kelantan this CNY hols?

Good or Bad

News 1: Seeing how things are at the moment, i wont make it to KL this weekend for N0rma's wedding. I feel bad for not being able to keep my promise and i'm so not happy =(

News 2: So it's true, we'll be receiving the back-dated allowance. will be AUD*000 richer sooner. FUH! syiokkknye.

on another note altogether, i'd like to get hold of E.R and starw@rs. complete set. anyone care to show me how or kind enough, make them available to me? ok, forget the latter. it's painfully wishful. pretty please to those who can help, nonetheless.

ohh and hani-izhar, look out for my next entry.

Tiny updates

My parents' home. alhamdulillah=)

I'll be starting my fifth year, my final year this coming sunday(hmm, after 13 years of having Sunday as day off). It's HUSM and i'm thinking of driving *WORRY* It'll be O&G rotation and i havent got my books back from M's cargo*DISASTER* =(

I havent bought the ticket yet to attend N0rma's wedding. I hope very much to be in KL next weekend, time to reunite with the M0nash clan =)

I miss my laptop =(

I am so looking forward to CNY hols =)

Affiliation

Read this. Something i haven't been able to put into words, but she truly speaks my mind.

Going For A Sleep

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA

well, this wasnt the first time i celebrated it without my parents. each time with different people, different sense of responsibility(it was none prior to this one), different feelings and different settings. i dont get to miss them much this time, only while listening to the takbir n getting ready for the prayer. my brothers and sisters did a good job to keep me occupied and entertained. for our family, we have fun with board/UNO games. It's been the tradition for raya or any gathering. it was a quiet raya but fine in its own way..

JANUARY, 1ST

I dont celebrate new year and i dont believe in new year resolutions. I dont wanna write about last year and i dont wanna say anything about this year.

'You are too young not to believe that it's gonna be fine'
~0ne Tree H!ll~

Thirty-th December

Another year.

Happy Birthday.

What's the 3 wishes prayers for this year (which would only take place in next year)?
1. Perform Umrah.
2. Graduate.
3.Meet a person that i will will truly treasure me, likewise.

While i still wanna write

1. i could never forget syu's antique at wedding fara, whereby she called my name and then buat aksi kuak lentang kecil-kecilan(i mean, dia kuak tgn dia sket2 jeh bukan yg full-on mcm org tgh betul2 berenang). depan2 meja beradap tuh jugak dia beraksi, eheh;) tahuuu, dia tak sabar nak bermandian di sungai bergembira bersama-sama.

wahai dugong sekalian, bukan tak jadi tp agak kesuntukan masa. i'd say december wasnt the best time cos most of us(not me;p) are tied up with works. mid jan, i'll be starting my rotation in HUSM already and will only be going to KL for wedding over the weekend. I'm thinking of organising it while i'm in JB kot, senang nak turun KL banyak kali. itu pun, aduhai kena bargain time with my beloved brother n sis-in-law. almaklumla, dapat yg caring-lagi-protective-pastu-suka-nak-adik-dia-spend-time-together. ini pun reputation dah corot sbb last time punye performance, eheh. tp jgn risau, insya Allah ada rezki kita ber-dugong yeh??

2.I dont seem to put on weight in msia, despite the amount of food i ate and how undisciplined i am. A space for an inch or two around the waistline when i put on my baju kurung last night and a size-smaller pants i bought the other day. i ate bigger portion and took up late dinner, if that's what u wanna ask next.

For what it's worth.

So what do we call for unspoken truth? the fact thats it's not a lie because one doesnt deny or tell the opposite, but at the same time it hasnt been let known.

Is it cowardful for not admitting, or playing safe as to avoid pain?

It is hoped that time will fade the truth away, kill what's inside and leave it to die. it is hoped that by then, the significance becomes non-existent. it is hoped that there will be no regret after doing what's the best for it, apart from telling the truth that is.

the end.

Words game

I take words at face value. whatever said to me, i believe. no matter how dodgy or delusional it sounds, i believe.

this, gets back to me. on a lighter note, i often had trouble with during psychiatric rotation cos i believe what the patient told me. once i talked to a gentleman who had systematised paranoid delusion but not once i doubted his story, until i read the files and be told by the doctor 'never believe what your patient said'. i bet, she referred to this unit only:)

ppl can easily bluffed me. on recent incident, my brother caught me misplacing the tickets simply by saying that the dates were wrong and i need to check them again. i searched high and low to no avail . little did i suspect that he was just playing a trick on me and i have actually misplaced the tickets and he found them elsewhere.

because i believed what ppl said, i always get into trouble. once i sulked with my mum because she forgot her words. eventhough i know that's possible to forget or maybe do it some other time, still i could not get over it and end up sending her sms to tell why i was like jeruk masam. it's not that i really want the promised gift, but because the words said to me, i hold to it. it's nothing i am proud of, it's the other way round.

i gave people trouble because of that too. i got pissed off when ppl didnt keep their words, oblivious to the potential of sweet-talk or simply say-to-make-it-sounds-nicer. i would go to an extent of saying what's in my head, little did i realised that some ppl are actually good at giving words away meaninglessly. i know one person who admitted to that. realising how much damage i've caused for being blunt, i learnt to keep in inside. feeling any bettter? you tell me.

now that i learnt not to believe, i still remember.

to be continued.

I don't need, i dont want

it started when i was young, a little kid. i used to get things my way. i spoiled myself by making sure that i got everything i wanted. being the youngest for a long time, i was pampered by the whole family as well. up until now, my brothers would story how spoilt i was back then and people need to attend to my wish or i wont settle. i cried, i sulked, i threw tantrum, i did everything to have my wish. there's nothing that could stop me from having them. i was still a good child, only a little hard on letting go my want's.

as grow older, i learnt to compromise a bit. as i would still wanna have it no matter what, i earned it by good grades. it didnt make me feel bad cos i believed i deserved them. when i started to have my own money, i fulfilled my wish by myself. i hardly asked but i will make sure i had them eventually. no matter what, i worked my way out to get them.

now, it gets back to me when my need's want's are no longer of money-can-buy. i could not save money for that, i could not throw tantrum or sulk for that. i could only cry. but still, it wont be mine. NO, actually i dont want it to be mine. i want to let go. but i dont know how. i could not for all this while, i did not know how to let go.

to be continued

' I hope the counting will stop soon'

That's so sweet of you, my friend.

well, not to say i'm used to it but i have learnt to live with it. even if not in i-know-the-blessing-in-disguise way, i am managing and i am ok with how i'm doing.

i never ask for this. N-E-V-E-R. GOD knows how much i did to make it not happen. sometimes i wonder, is this some kind of karma or punishment from up above? cos i always talked big about how it is possible and how much i hate ppl with that trait. SUCKS.

i faced it the hard way. the way some ppl said i shouldnt. nevermind the harsh truth, at least i know now what's meant-to-say and what's sweet-talk for future references...

to be continued.

Tulis yang happy jeh

hard to believe that the stay was a good one. managed to get everything done.

i watched C!nta, Happy Feet and De Javu. all were good movies.

i spent time with my family, hung out at shopping mall or simply lazed around at home. the two brothers are so entertaining.

i ate A LOT- chicken max, hot & spicy, cendol pulut, tomyam, hot plate, nyonya peranakan meals, nasi lemak, laksa johor, pizza hut(will never come again to this, yucks tak sedap!), home-made lasagna, masak lemak cili, sup ikan, chocolate cake and a few other, many thanks to my sis-in-law.she did a great job to improve my appetite. its a record to have both nasi lemak and laksa johor for a breakfast, and to finish up everything on the plate for the rest of the occasions. extra kilo's? of course, i must have gained...

i attended weddings-dalisha's and fara's. my sis-in-law kidded me about how i always go all the way for my friends and she would wanna sepit diorg if they dont do the same to my wedding. heheh, i simply replied that i dont care and dont really expect them to do the same since i did all these for myself, my satisfaction. i'm glad i made it to both. isk, menyesal tak makan masa kenduri fara. tgk gambar nampak macam sedapppp jeh.adui, menyesal menyesal.


i was treated with japanese food buffet, claimed to be advanced-birthday-present. courtesy of my bro and sis-in-law. I almost missed this for fara's wedding but managed.


i shopped for shoes, pants and a few other necessary stuffs. wish could do a few more with tops and bags. hmm, next time maybe.


i had girls' time with far!na and l!yana on 2 different occasions. it's been a great hang-outs, thanks for making out time for me. l!yana took a day off and far!na suprised me with tupa!-tupa! eat-out. hey kiss-proof girl, i seriously wonder whether u do have telepathy or not cos it really looked like so.


what else?

seemed like i went out almost everyday, by the end of it i had brotherly reminder for not being at home as much *half-guilty grin* well, i can assured you that now we're settling down in Shah A1am, there'll be no more less of this. huhuhu, i am so gonna miss the ok-lah-not-bad LRT that brought me to all these places.

before i stop, here's the ticked-off wishlist.

putih violet

pink-guin

H0me and Away

Back for a day. spent more than a week in Kedah, in my sister's comfort. going to KL for another week.

i have a lot to write, but need to sort my thoughts out. while i'm away.

Hello...

from home. hmm, must say it felt a bit surreal. 9 months of waiting and here i am. quoting F, 'the air is much sweeter at home'

one thing for sure, i'm missing my parents. its not easy to adapt to the absence. i felt for Harry P0rter who unlike me, hasnt see his folks since baby. must be really hard for him.

i was torn between the expectation to be the guardian angel in the house and my wish to go away for distraction.

heh, so i thought i've grown out of welled-up-eyes.

last day

first thing first. The result came out 2 days ago. Alhamdulillah, i did fine. thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. i guess, i'm officially on holiday (yeah right? so what's road trip, bridal shower, grad and shopping spree all about??? teeeheee). anyhow, i'm glad the exams' over and i think i've achieved my little target for the past 4 years.

next. how's life? i've moved into the other room. smaller but enough for everything, cant wait to have all the little-rabbit-princess-spongebob-penguin-grovy chick-and-all on the red table. teheeeee=D and yes, i DID the packing myself ( ok ok, with a little assistance from the housemates.. giving ideas of where to put things n stuff) after having everything stacked on the bag for a few days. urgh, it's not that i dont know how but if i wanna do it, i would like to do it ONLY once and neat. i hate to re-open the bag for some forgotten or newly bought things. so i must say this is the most at-ease going home trip, where i've got everything ready days before departure. hmm, maybe i'm just not the last-mins type of person. i've also changed my ticket to make it 2 days earlier. and yes, it's tonight!! hahahaha. i'm giving myself credit for not being fooled by the agent who was being some kinda i-cant-help-you-because-it's-your-fault. heh, i'm persistent if i want to.

finally. to reflect how's Melb 2006' been to me? hmmm, bits of everything. there's SO MUCH lesson i learnt, both medicine and life-wise. HAH, i dont need that smirks ok!! *hiding my smirk* very well, i used to feel that it is a year full of emotions and jerky journey. i grow up at the expense of tears and sweats. to look back, it's not that bad. i'm just changing my skin. everyone does that, at one stage of their life or another. it's all for a good cause.

don't miss me, Melb. i will come back. leaner, if not slimmer. teheeeee!!

You can find happiness in the darkness of time. Only if you remember to turn on the light
~Dumbled0re~

They said it will be my turn next year

To sit here, in this hall of graduation as one of the guests gave me this emotion. for a brief moment, i was carried away by the wishful thoughts. they are called the first batch, the pioneer of the new M0nash MBBS. Whatever they're called, i'm proud to say that i was there watching their momentous scroll-receiving. this was my first experience to be part of this ceremony, many thanks to those who offered tickets and eventually handed me one. i love the atmosphere, i love the smiles and i love the love showed by and to the loved ones.

at most, there's only one of the many who reads this. can you please let the rest of you know how proud i am of ur achievement and how much i will miss u ppl?? let's not feel sad for parting, but grateful for the meeting. yes, it should be that way.

i pray that my turn will come next year. to graduate.

p/s Do write again

I dont want all these to get drowned in my sore feeling, so i choose to write again.

-how great the bridal shower was for 2 lovely ppl here. i wish all the happiness for their next chapter of life. they surely deserved every sweetness and contentment a marriage promised. as always, to be with those bunch of girls was never without great laugh. i guess to charade English movie in the 1st part was easy enough, but wait till u know what's in the 2nd part of Malay movie. ok, just imagine how i acted out Tipah Tert!pu without the everyone-knows-lines to say? heeeesshhh, some others were Embun, Tangkai Jering, Ahmad Albab, Ibu Mertuaku, Sembilu (!!!!) eccentric tak hingatt..OMG, wish i could get hold of the video..would be something worth reminiscing in a few years' time ahead.

-how i-could-not-find-the-best-word-to-describe-this-feeling the road trip to W!lson's Prom was. the finale adventure for us. hmm, really should thank them for inviting us to join in this year. it made a hell lot of difference in my life here, i must say. pictures taken, jokes shared ( boleh tak, seseorang membebel tak tahan sejuk pastu letak tangan dekat speaker???ape lagi, yang dua org ini pun seronokla membuat lawak konon lagu pasang kuat sgt pastu letak tangan dekat aircond..bergegar seats belakang tuh dgn gelak ketawa!) poses acted, food finished up( yes, we so love aktiviti cicah-cicah!), long stroll taken, not to forget a failing attempt to re-create Bla1r W1tch Pr0ject (uhukkk, sebijik macam budak2 berlari nak kejar sales)..teheee, it was superduper FUN and JOYFUL 12 hours we had. but for me, the best part was when everybody lied flat in the big room, all cramped and packed up. next to each other. it felt like a big family. well, it is.

-i found the ring. a gift from my parents for SPM. it's been a year and half since i last said ' ya Allah, kalaula ia rezeki aku temukanlah semula'. eversince then, i didnt put any hope as i thought i've lost it in the middle of my sister's wedding. to have it happened almost a year after i lost my bracelet's gift for 21st birthday numbed me ( who wouldnt, after crying heart out after the 1st unfortunate event?). cut the story short, i was doing my usual spring-cleaning-before-flying-home and casually opened up one of the boxes and there it was, waiting for me. i cant describe how i felt. tried to call mum to share the joy but couldnt get through. it was only after a few weeks before she went off to Tanah Suci since she mentioned how she'd like to spring clean the cupboards at home in case the ring got lost in there. that very night, i dreamt of my mum. i must be wishing hard to talk to her about this not-for-trade-sentimental-values. Alhamdulillah. this small episode in life taught me well about hopes, HIS mercy and mysterious plans.

-It feels good to have everything ready to be gifted away to everyone's in home country. it feels like sharing my opportunity to be here with the rest. the thought that counts, it goes without saying. i've collected some while in NZ and topped up with 2 days of good shopping. the satisfaction and anticipation to see the smiles excites me more than the cringe of not being able to pamper myself (well, i did get away with a few actually. its called self-reward=p) it feels really good, indeed.

-The best analogue to my life now is baby step. walk a step, fall down. rise up. try to walk another step, fall down. rise up again. cries and giggles along the way.

It feels better after some tears..

I wanna stop writing for a while. I dont feel right at the moment. If i dont write back again even after i'm home, feel free to check out my local contact number (will be the same one) and give me a buzz. would love to hear and meet ppl. thanks.

p/s dont worry. i'm fine.

Melancholy

The Girls and road trips. Was it our last time?
Gush of emotion when wishing parents well for their Hajj.

To wait another month for solace in the folks' embraces.

What lies ahead, nobody know.

To realise that i will sorely miss the nephew and nieces' stories.

Go with the flow.

Tones of life. Accept, no regret.

We will meet again, girls.

Mixed

i (hope) i'm done with the battle for this year's medicine. the exams were over, tried my very best despite lacking of motivation towards the end of it. i know i deserved some rewards for being able to pull myself off and came this far. things has never been easier, but i managed. Praise to Allah.

i have this mixed feelings. i am euphoric to go home. i so can't wait to spend time with my beloved family and friends, to meet my 2 little heroes for the first time, to eat out as much as i can. a lot of ppl are expecting and waiting for my return and i hope my presence soon will make up for the loss of memories all this while. yes, i am very much happy and contented in that sense.

but there's some nagging feelings at the back of my head. i am afraid to face the fact that this is going to be the few remaining days to spend with the final years. they've been a really GROOVY and FUN-To-BE-WITH bunch of girls, full of vibes!! i am thankful for the chance to know and get closer to them this year but to think that there'll be no more of them next year scares me a bit. uhuk=( having said that, i know i've done my best. i know i've been enjoying myself and i know i am appreciating our time while it lasts.

not even the loss that took place a few hours earlier today snatched away my laugh while playing 'charade' at the bridal shower celebration. no, i didnt let. i am sad and sorry for whatever that happened but again, i believe i've done my best and that matters most to me now. i didnt wish for time-machine to go back and un-do my mistakes, i accept what's done is done. i didnt wish for another chance either, it'll be too cruel to ask for.

also the fact that i'm actually coming home to an almost empty house as my parents are leaving in 3 days' time for Hajj. yes, i'm this worried and anxious at the thought of something might happen to them and i'll forever be missing them. but later i learnt, i only have ALLAH to ask for . i will pray for their health and so that i will be able to see them again. i believe in Allah and i know HE will never let me down.

random

Reward after the VIA exam: 0ne tree h1ll !!

ADIK,




Do ur best for this SPM and pray a lot. I believe in you and i know you can do it. bersabarlah ye tunggu habis exam,nyehnyehnyeh!!

cheers

What we call rescue?

plan

I find myself in funny situations more often than never. lately, especially. the harder i tried to make things right, the worse it gets.hahahaha. it feels awful but i can't ignore my fault either. so, what choice do i have? hahaha. i think i wanna stop trying for a while. j.u.s.t s.to.p t.r.y.i.n.g.

I know this is another month's ahead but..

Sorry dugong-dugong girls. i think 3rd weekend in Dec wont be good for our mandi sungai trip. I might just arrive in town and have a wedding reception in N9 on sunday. Since that's the case, i need the next weekend for my family otherwise my sis in law will sweetly sulk. teheeee=D Dont wanna rush things off, i have another date to propose, will try my best to accomodate for that. nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii, nak mandi sungaii..

so l1yana, can i sleep over at ur place during weekdays instead?? maybe we can have dinner somewhere before that, and try to get anyone who can join us?? better still, do u have spare annual leave cos i need a shopping partner!!??

laugh..

i'm laughing at myself over the lack of impulse control. hahah, it's very obvious. when others would sit down and talk, i jumped straight into conclusion. hahah, smarty pants (NOT!). i so wanna laugh for never stop being thick. hahaha, failed to do what i preach. the thought of going *pooffhhtt* invisible and hiding myself somewhere inside a burrow sounds like the right solution. just like in animal world. the annoyingly unwanted creature goes and hides itself away from messing others' life. hahah, it's funny how i never learn from the repeating mistakes. i thought i did the last time, but no i didnt. hahah, very funny that i found myself shaking head in disbelief.

i know, i know. the loss is mine. hahah, but life goes on. isn't it?

tenang

jangan risau.

aku akan tenang dan senang bila ingat yang dunia nih tak kekal. satu masa nanti, aku takkan ada kat sini dah. bila masa tuh tiba, aku akan tinggalkan semua benda nih. until masa tuh sampai, aku cuma perlu bertahan dan persevere. sementara tunggu masa tuh tiba, ada benda aku nak buat.

osce

to those who doesnt know, OSCE consists of a few stations and each station will require us to do different things. history, examination, management and so forth within the specified time. nak kata macam main doktor-doktor pun boleh. one thing about this thing, there'll be one funny station to reflect back. something stupid we did/said out of panicky that we would laugh later on.

this time, station 9. woahh, manic patient. non-stop ramblings. homosexual, on the verge of breaking up with her partner. yada yada. i tried to take control of the situation. managed. now, she moved closer to me. ok oww! now, started talking about how pretty my scarf is, how she would like to take me as her(YES, her!!) new partner. moved closer. huwaaaaa!!

tried to touch me. out of kalut, cuak, panik...i blurted

'STOP! I'm sorry to say this. I'm a doctor. I cannot have any relationship with my patients..'

*my eyes wide-open. OMG, OMG..what should i say next???*

'bla..bla..blaa(not convinced)

*ok, final attempt*

'besides, i'm already married and i have kids at home'

'but you dont have your wedding ring..' (pointing at my bare fingers)

*rasa nak tepuk dahi sendiri. muka dah kelat*

'urghh, nevermind that..'

ngaaaaaaaaa...

p/s dont worry, the girl tuh acting out je, in fact at one point obviously dia nak tahan gelak tengok muka aku. mesti kelat-kelat masin.

mistake

deleted

hahaha

hahaha. hidup nih mmg satu ujian. sentiasa diuji kiri kanan, depan belakang. aku rasa aku gagal dgn ujian semua nih. kalah.

hahaha. manusia mudah lupa. sesuatu depan mata, mana ada nak appreciate sangat kan? bila dah takde, hmm takut baru nak carik..

hahaha. aku dah takde ape dah. habis. lepas satu, satu aku hilang.agak malang la jugak bila fikir.

hahaha. mana boleh nak lupa ape yang jadi tu sesenang aje. aku takkan lupa. silap. aku tak boleh nak lupa. sampai mati pun aku tak boleh nak lupa.

hahaha. sedih tapi gelak. hahaha.

Update

Update

Ayah M1's still in CCU. fifth day.underwent angiography/plasty(minute telescope into the artery to open up the blockage) three days ago. stable. alhamdulillah.called everyday to check on him and other family. mum's been on the ward each time i rang. could hear the beeping sound of the machine. not the usual backgound voice of his, teasing me for nothing. Didnt write that he's not yet reach 40 year old, did i? life's like that. i ended my conversation with mum saying

'I love you'.

brighter

I got back my psych assignment last week. to my big relief, i needed to do nothing with it. no resubmission, no whatsoever. it was all good. alhamdulillah. i know, i always thought of the worst case scenario. anyway glad that i was over with it and nothing to worry about.

2 days after, i received the placement for next year. my final year, insya Allah. here's

1 : 22/01/2007 - 02/03/2007 Elective (KB, Msia)
2 : 05/03/2007 - 13/04/2007 Medicine (JB, Msia)
3 : 16/04/2007 - 25/05/2007 Surgery (BH, Melb)
4 : 28/05/2007 - 06/07/2007 Specialty Infectious DIsease (BH, Melb)
5 : 09/07/2007 - 17/08/2007 Emergency (BH, Melb)
6 : 20/08/2007 - 28/09/2007 Vacation (Msia)
7 : 01/10/2007 - 09/11/2007 Aged Care (KC, Melb)

Yes, you read right. i will be in Msia from Dec right until Apr!l. how good is that? basically, i got all my 1st preferences apart from my specialty(still,that's one of my want-to-do-rotations) and i'm very pleased. Alhamdulillah. I'm really excited about going to JB so anyone in JB, care to meet up? or maybe anyone who would like to join us there and go island-ing? Yes, you read right again. I'll be back in Msia for Ramadhan, insya Allah. Let's hope and pray everything will go according to the plan. As for BH, it will be daily long journey for at least 4 consecutive months, but i heard the teaching there was really good so i'm looking forward to it.

Save the best for the last? heh, I have lost 4kg up until now, so there'll be another kg to go to reach my target weight before end of next month. then maybe i can try to lose another 5kg? hoh, aneroxic!

life

Disclaimer: My space, my thoughts.

I have a taste of life lately.

If only i could write everything down here, it would be easy peasy. ppl will understand why the happy-go-lucky vibes are no longer here and everything sounds hollow. as dark as the background. but i can't, and i won't. there'll always be something i need to hold back and advised myself againts telling.

in the past, i ignored my feelings, i went againts my intuition because i didnt wanna do bad in the eyes of society. and you know what, too much of repression makes me suffer. it put me in a lot of agony and at the end of the day, my world becomes grey. colourless. i thought that was the worst trial i need to face, so i persevered. with bruises.
so, what makes me tipped over this time?

go on reading..

betrayal used to be something i used to heard or seen, but now its part of my histories. once is unbearable and twice is killling. what makes someone backstab? even worse, what makes someone backstab the person who has been giving their back all this while through the rough journey? as a human, i am disgusted. as an affected soul, i am in deep sorrow. there goes my sense of security. i will forever be living in paranoid and pain. oh GOD, ppl cant blame everything on takdir, can they? should you asked me why not let it go? no, i choose not to because these ppl has been and will always be in my life's picture. that cuts right deep.

i walk in hopelessness. it was so gloomy and i dont want ppl to see me that way. that explains the missing of this space and urs truly. i dont wanna drag other ppl into my misery. i dont wanna let ppl see how vulnerable i am. i makes me feel even weaker.to add icing to the cake, i was presented with minute dispute. resolved, with take home message-its nice to be easy and nonchalant, just be prepared for ppl who might use it for their advantages.
*****************************

With the above life events, to hear that my uncle had a heart attack didnt move me abit. everything's already numb.

'Haah,dah kalih..dah tak rasa ape. banyak sangat benda sedih jadik, dah tak terkejut.hmm.'

iman yg diuji.