FACE IT.

'Had i know about his illness, i would've treat him better...'

This came out from a bloke who became a carer for his dad after being diagnosed with dementia. did he choose to feel that way? i mean to feel guilty and upset about himself for not being able to tolerate the old man, just because he didnt know? definitely not. we're human, we have feelings, we have emotion. It's a matter of conscience how we want our life to be and how we want our relationship to be. To despair on this would not change the past. be very careful on regrets.

Later to watch the video of how heart-wrenching it could be to see your loved ones deteriorates in front of your eyes and for someone whom her mother could not recognise her anymore..

'Not being able to call my mum, mum is the hardest thing to do...'

it's the same thing. you'll never know how much time you actually have.

"i could never forgive myself for doing that..'

Life does not come twice, so does chance.

INSTEAD OF...

Seems like the infamous question starts to creep up again. the fact that i'm finishing my study and going back to home country could be the reason. this time, i just play cool cos it's not an issue at all. there're majority of jerks out there so why bother? those stupidly selfish beings must've thought soooo high of themselves, must they? deceitful and full of cheap lies too. oh, back to the question. if you happen to receive pitiful answer from me, i'm just mocking.

I know, modules suppose to be a burden especially when you're counting days to not going to hospital anymore but i seem to enjoy doing it at the same time. it's not so much about cracking my head to find the suitable patient to write about but more like to dig issues for discussion. It suprisingly keeps my brain going.

having said that, i started to feel excited about working next year especially after the last session of simulation/patient safety OSCE. The sims session was about having (dummy) patient who crashed and team (including myself) doing as best as we could to manage the patient. Instead of feeling daunted about the notion that i am gonna carry huge responsibility towards others' (life), i look at it from the point of being someone who actually do something and gain satisfaction from it. It's not about feeling good about myself ( cos i ain't master anything, as yet) but to prove to myself that i can take up the challenge.

When people ask me "are you excited to go back (for good)?" my answer had been "hmm, fifty percent!". I love my life in melb. i love the better control of myself. i love the space and freedom i have for myself. i love the strength found in myself. i love the beautiful experiences here, shopping and travelling in particular! In short, i had good if not great life in this foreign land that i will miss a lot soonn. no offence, Msia gave me some bad memories.

Breaking point does not necessarily means explosion or something nasty. It could just give a notion that something or someone, in any case becomes insignificant.

CONGRATS!

Up to this point, i have a lot of reason to be proud of myself. one would be to care less for others. the other would be to stand strong and composed despite shit people throw to me, or treat me. like, whatever! i may keep everything inside and pretend that things' back to normal, but you wouldn't know what i've vowed myself to or not to.

The rest, i'm really really happy with my life. looking forward to DFO trip for shopping, excited to have fun during the fishing road trip, occupied with modules and going-back-for-good-issues, what's more with the coming grad dinner. i'm determine to have as much fun as i could in this remaining weeks and i'm getting to it. life is so much easier when i focus on the good stuff and leave the crappy one outside my system. not only they're worthless but more like worthless in capital letter!

Hah.

I AM...

I am counting days to finishing med school. at the same time, i want to take the chance to go home from hospital earlier, sleep at any time i feel like, wake up as i wish and have fun in between books. it's funny that the closer i am to the finishing line, the more stuff i'd like to learn and understand from the books. everyday i make a mental note to go home and look up on certain stuff but my study really depends on the weather. if it's bright and study, i'm happy to sit on the table to read/finish up my worl but if it's cold and gloomy, i prefer to curl up under the blanket. i have 2 (not-so-new) books i aim to indulge but dare not to set any deadline, but i will definitely finish them up. hehe, i love to challenge myself nowadays. utmost satisfation!


I am making a mental list of what to grab shop before going back for good, for once. yes, i love shopping in melbourne. you can endorse that, kan Anum? it's the spending power, it's the slashed out sale, it's the variety of things that suit my personal requirement. i dont usually plan my shopping list ahead of time. i could be in the shopping mall for one whole day end up buying nothing or i could be in just one shop less than half an hour and came out with 3 boxes of shoes. a bit random but i have no problem with that. the good thing about giving away some of my stuff everytime i go home is that it gives valid reason to buy something else. don't ever ask me my plan for shopping cos the usual 'nak window shopping je..' will always end up with bags of new stuff. on the other hand, i often came back empty-handed with a planned trip. anywayyy, i'm mentally sorting out clothes (due to different size i am wearing) and bags to give away so that i can squeeze in things in my new list guilt-free=D yeah, less is more for me in that sense. i only keep things i know and would love to keep, otherwise i'll let people to have them.

I am excited when i realised good thing is happening one after another. from now till end of the year, something to look forward every week. there will be graduation road trip, gift-exhange,graduation dinner, shopping spree, family coming over, graduation, Sydney, Aidiladha and (not my) wedding, birthday and (not my) engangement. how coolllll is that? i welcome more great ideas and plan and invitation in the future, count me in!

I am happy because i want to be happy;)

Keep this in mind, okay?

"DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE...WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION FOR THEM....."

"NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY......... ........ "

TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU,NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE........

NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS IN OTHERS WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE,RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE LEFT ALONE.......

HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS.BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO SHARE IT,WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS! ............

LIFE, AS IT IS..

'Don't look too worried, love. It might never happened'

I smiled to the old man, stunned at his remarks but agreed to it. Wisdom worth to remember, this one. To be honest, i didnt even realised i had frown on my face as I was actually helping out my fren who misplaced her book. I think i'd been smiling even since and decided to keep his advice closer to heart, the words must be magical ;)

It's ok to expect perfection in life but it's even better if we're able to deal with it, as it is. The more we fight to find happiness, the more we lost it. why not we make peace with ourselves and create our own happiness?

'Life is too short not to care about the little things'

I know some ppl think that little things means emotional. heh, maybe. who knows? i have a question. which would be better, to be cold and couldn't care less because you love yourself so much you wouldn't want anyone to hurt you or be a fairy-godmother to everyone but end up bruised, invisible to anyone?

i had good time yesterday. good shopping & good food, i mean. loving it!

PHOTO ALBUM

Eid 2007

I said to myself that this year will be a memorably happy eid and would not shed tears ; to no suprise i had it that way.

The day before raya, we welcomed the 3 co-hostess from the residential halls and started to prepare our dishes as early as 5pm. Pizza delivery for iftar was really a yummylicious idea! While preparing rendang daging, kuah kacang, nasi impit, soto, apple crumble, brownies and syrup; we sang our heart out with some oldies and lagu raya followed by acara berbalas pantun. Oh yes, we were that crazy that night and it was so much fun. I laughed so hard listening to the pantun-s, i had ringing ears and throbbing headache. If only the kitchen could speak, i'm sure it'll plead us to stop singing and laughing.. we finished everything around 1am (wow, that was 6 hours!) and dragged our way off to bed. slept in no time.

On the day itself, 6 of us took turn to use the bathroom while blabbering-ing away. Headed to the sports centre for Eid prayers and as always the atmosphere never failed to amuse me. I think amusement would always be the feeling whenever i thought about ppl from all the walks gathered who under one faith. Bliss! We rushed home as our pot-luck event was half an hour away. Each of us played the role for the last mins preparation -arranging, sorting out, re-heating and cleaning up. Some of us needed to change to our actual raya attire but still, we kept everything under control and worked our way efficiently;)

People started coming in and I was pleased to have just nice turn out because it gave time to entertain everyone and at the same time feasted on the food (thanks guys for the satay, sedap!) As some of us didn't get to meet each other as often this year, it was a great catch-up (and gossip session;p) ahh well, it's refreshing to see the old faces don't u think? Photo session went on as usual and good collection of candid-s we had as well. The impromptu berbalas pantun event was a good ice-breaking with the new faces too.

Past noon, we got ready to go to the other invitations. 3 houses altogether and each served different menu. I had my wishes for nasi kerabu, lodeh, kek batik and laksa. I spared mihun sup and a few other dishes as i could always get them during other time. Although we ended up seeing the same faces in those places but it's still nice because it still gave raya feeling. Erm, a person in one of the houses gave me a shock of my life; 90% resemblance. I was stunned there and then. i wished we didn't do the brief talk though because that made it so much more familiar. Jittery for a while but it's not like i am gonna see the face again after this although photos could do some damage so it's fine, i guess. ahh well.

We reached home (again) at dawn and I got myself little nap because i was so knackered up. Woke up in time for a quick shower and got ready for BBQ. We (ok, that's a bit of exaggeration as i did not spend much time at the grill pit actually ;p) took some time to get the it ready. Men on fire, as if ! and you think by asking me to sing 'Bara' would make it go all fired up?? sungguh hampeh! Everything went well after a few shot (of burning the coal, not me singing ok ;p) and we had good chicken and sausage (also a few other side dishes that i would not bother listing them down) afterwards. We completed the night with sparklers moments and who wouldn't laugh seeing the guys holding bunga api in static position?? Ya Tuhan, korang tak pernah main bunga api ke kecil2 dulu? Aduhhhai... ooh, if only i could upload the 'bunga api dan lagu raya' game in youtube, i would!! It's as simple as circling the grill pit and took turn to light up the sparklers and each need to sing lagu raya. OMG, the last 3 players cracked the biggest laugh of all. We finished up the night reviewing the photos of the days and took our last group photos. No suprise, as soon as we hit the pillow around 1am we doozed off.

Not only me, but all 6 of us been naughty for not calling home on that day. We're so occupied that we did expressed our guilt to each other but claimed we could not find good time to rang the family. As for me, i have one more reason for not doing so- refer to the first line.

It's all perfect, now you believe me?

The Congregation

The Girls

The 12 Years of Friendship & 5 Eids

The Candid

The Multiracial

The Kitchen Chaotic

The Clan

The Raya Visit

The Open House

The Guardian

The Sparklers

The BBQ

The Happiness

THE END IS THE BEGINNING

I am observing the end of Ramadhan.

Kumengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat kulalui dengan sempurna

Alhamdulillah, i have a very meaningful one this year. meaningful for two different reasons- blessings to fully embrace it and reasons for who i am becoming.

I am deeeply contented with my 2 weeks of M'sian experience-be it the food (ehem), imarah Ramadhan or simply my loved ones. I would never ask for more, I had everything i wanna had.

From 2nd day of Ramadhan to 4 days away from Eid. I was tested one after another. To say that i am not affected would be an overstatement but nonetheless, with every test HE bestowed me strength and most importanly, patience (because that's my lacking trait). I'm not proud of the silent curse that slipped out from my mouth out of angst or buckets of tears flowing to make me feel better but i am standing tall otherwise. I braved through each even if not in stride, but at least with acceptance. redha with whatever HE wanted me to let go. Nobody but myself know how i did and how i felt. During each trial he put me under, i observed the change in self. Allah must've loved me very much, must not HE?

I am certain to finish up the effort if not for a personal reason, forbidden to continue. As i am not able to read the ending, frustration is unavoidable but i know I actually achieved victory. This quiet journey has been the sweetest thing of all during the month-the most satisfying, the most precious, the most solitary experience. It also gives me assurance that whatever i am going to do, i only need to put it in my mind and I will make it through.

Hopefully and insya Allah, this will be my last experience abroad. Certainly i will miss all the difference- time for myself, personal effort to prepare iftar and our own way to imarah the holy month.

Ramadhan this time completed me. ALHAMDULILLAH.

To all my dearest friends (and you, silent reader)...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI.
MOHON MAAF ANDAI ADA YANG TERSILAP KATA ATAU TERKASAR BAHASA.

Insya Allah, this year will be my last year celebrating Eid in Melbourne. I will miss this feeling-bittersweet. Melancholic at the thought of family back home, it used to bring tears everytime. So, I'd rather not think about it, but planning in my head what's to prepare for the raya pot luck. Apple crumble!

Hmm, thinking of feasting on roti jala & kuzi ayam for 2nd day of raya too..nyum!

NO PRIZE FOR GUESSING

*shriek*

tiddAAAKKKKK!! ARRRRGHHH!!!

*shriek*

i must've turned my housemates deaf a while ago.

I.Just.Could.Not.Believe.It!

huwaaaa....

LOVE IS....

SUPRISE SUPRISE...

I suprised myself more than ever lately. For all sorts of reason.

When the instinct turned out to be true just now, i felt a tinge of dissapointment and betrayal but that was it. being used, more like. ahh well, it happened full stop. other experiences have been worse lately so why bother for this one? just that, be careful next time. people can appear all the same so it takes...i don't know really, what could be the best way to avoid it from happening (again)? just let it go away or wait for it to die slowly and never offer trust like a free gift. It bites sometimes.

The minute i set my mind to achieve the goal, i actually look forward to see whether i can make it or not. At first, it does look a bit impossible but i chose to take it as a challenge and alhamdulillah, i see the end coming. it is NOT for nothing and i am indeed pleased.

People come and go. People smirked and made fun. People compared and down-graded. whatever it is, to be able to hold to self is the ultimate way cos people, they are none other than different shades in the picture. they neither determine your sense of happiness nor perfect. They're entitled to do whatever they wish or say whatever they want to. It's not gonna bother me at all anymore.

YOU MUST THINK I'M CRAZY

hahaha, i'm perfectly fine.

Now that i'm doing aged care rotation in KCR, it's been mundane days without nothing much to look forward as patients are mostly stable and only undergoing rehabilitation. but i'm okay, at least i have Miss ZA to keep me companied in the ward, yawning away. hehe, half-day of site visits give us good funbreak too..

Ramadhan's been good as well, solitude is the perfect noun for it. Now that i have HL Banana Mocha Shakes, i kinda enjoy 4am sahur;) Not that i didnt miss going to Pasar Ramadhan with my brother-SIL and kids or my mum's cooking but i guess Melb experience is fine with me either. ah well, life gotta be like that i suppose. and for the address, i dont mean it seriously lah. it doesnt bother me if i dont get any, but i've received my first one actually..haha, GOD bless the soul.

What else? We've got some plan for our graduation road trip. My housemates and i are planning to do our shopping raya this weekend. We've got another plan for raya celebration next week. yeah, it's all about planning isnt it? Plan is good.Making it happen is better.

Now, i can actually write here.

[PAUSE]

here, i am.

trying my best to write. a failed attempt i must say. i kept on deterring away.

will try again later, i suppose.

i mean, help yourself somewhere else.

Terus tegar [EDITED]

i'm back to my beloved place. all is good. whatever hassle and misfortunate event that took place since last night, i'll just keep it to myself. refer tajuk cukuplah.

anyyyyway, go and grab urself a musical kad raya yang lawa-lawa; latest album anuar zain pun best gak and post it to

4/42 Evelyn St
Clayton 3168
VICTORIA Australia

thank you.


'When you're feeling down, did you know that you can change it in an instant? Put on a beautiful piece of music,or start singing-that'll change your emotion. Or think of something beautiful. Think of a baby or somebody that you truly love, and dwell on it. Really keep that thought in your mind. Block everything out but that thought. I guarantee you'll start to feel good'
~The Secret~

-jumpa orang.

-makan ikan bakar

-makan chinese food (aaaa nakkkk!!)

-Eyes on Malaysia

-jalan-jalan tengok fashion ape kat malaysia. kalau rajin, boleh beli.

-nak tengok teater!! nak tengok teater!!

-psstt, sightseeing kat putrajaya??

but the best event was actually the karaoke session. I wanna put forward a plan to celebrate my birthday there for this year. cheers!

Whadda !?

Apology for keeping this space dusty as i am pretty occupied in here.

well, to date (3 days away from flight back to Melb), i've got

1.Nasi kerabu-beli dekat pasar malam
2.Laksa-ma masak boleh, beli dekat pasar boleh, makan kat Laksa Shack pun boleh
3.Tembikai- WAJIB. nanti nak try buat watermelon shakes jugak.
4.Cendol-ikut hati nak makan yang dekat penang, last time 2003 kot. tak dpt situ, memana yg sedap pun ok.
5.Sambal ikan keli-ma masak
6.Asam pedas ikan patin-ma masak
7.Manggis-WAJIB dan WAJIB
8.Nasi lemak-ma masak
9.Mee goreng mamak-of course mamak yang kena masak
10.Yong taufu-pasar malam
11.Chicken chop-ajak abg ngah pegi mkn kat uptown mcm last time
12.KFC-abg yu belikan or pegi cari sendiri
13.Satay-abg yu belikan
14.Gulai tempoyak-ma masak
15.Pasembor-berangan pegi penang

i'm sad i didnt get to feast on manggis =(

R.O.T.F.L

I never knew i could actually slap someone literally, through an sms. ahhh, it felt soo goood. smell of victory;)

no lah, i wont spill it out here. it's not gonna be fun anymore if i chose that way. but i could see a few of u smirking and laughing knowingly. thanks girls, for sharing the 'joy' of showing an idiot what's like to mess around. innocent my feet!

drama swasta ok.

Since then...

I stop thinking about the problem because i know there will be way to go through it. i believe Allah will either give me solution or strength.

I stop thinking about how and when, i just let it happen. if it doesn't, i dont wince either. too much of emotional excess baggage for that.

I stop caring for just anyone, but only those who gives meaning in my life.

I stop giving thoughts about other's issues, unless those who have done the same for me.

I stop feeling guilty for what the heart say, instead i simply accept and expect happyness.

I smile at the fleeting thought of the one who missed out , and say 'YOUR LOSS!'

I get rid of 'what if' or 'if only' in my lines and thoughts.

I feel sorry for those who write and say that their life is full of misfortune, it's almost like they welcome the sadness and misery.

I think the status is indifferent than any other. who knows, it's the only chance to flirt gift to explore the strength in self.

I got closer to the Creator because i simply need to believe and i let HIM make happen.

Miss Farina, may Allah bless you for the book;)

Welcome back!

Salam Ramadhan to all. Have a meaningful one, insya Allah ;)

Crossroad.

After a small talk with her, i felt relieved. guiltily. it's like an invisible load was taken off me.

Oh dear, i feel bad at the same time. hopefully it's not gonna hurt.

I wont question 'What if?' either. It's not fair for me.

rasa hati, tak boleh dipaksa kan?