What actually matters?

5 years ago, i got into argument heated discussion with the facilitator during BTN course. it started when he asked each of us to say the best thing or the happiest moment in your life, cant really remember the exact word. i mentioned when i got my SPM results. he questioned why. so i plainly said because i didnt expect to get that kind of result. wasnt it obvious?*eye rolling*

'inilah melayu. tak yakin pada diri sendri. suka letak target rendah2..tak berani nak aim tinggi ..yadayadayada'

no, i didnt let him.i barked out disagreed. it's not about not knowing how to aim high or didnt trust own's potential. FOR ME, it's about KNOWING the capability and yeah, what's wrong with being realistic? it's not that i, the very minute started to slow down on my effort or stop being positive. i prayed, i worked (ok, not the hardest but enough), i still committed like others. i worked to my own limit, i wasnt and am not used to the push myself for the sake of keeping up with others. i admired those who could, nonetheless but i didnt see it as a problem. i expected for results comparable to my effort, that was my point. i wasnt and not going to hope for something beyond my effort. so, yeah he didnt managed to convince me, even till now.

i just could not commit myself to study 24-7, thus my lacking of knowledge perhaps. but when i did, i take pleasure from it. i dont see it as an obligation but a way to amuse me, to show myself the wonders of ALLAH..to really try my best to understand (and hopefully, memorise) how does this certain part of the body works, or how to work things out when it screwed up. i paused to digest, i nodded in agreement of how theory correlates with practical, i just enjoyed my time there. that's why i dont function like what meddies often potrayed, hardworking and genius, aiming for honours. all i know, i want to enjoy my course and maybe, take my own time to perform.

What actually matters?

year and age. so, what? i mean, ok it's so-and-so year or age and then? i thought it's who. the person that the heart agreed. the thing about this gift of heart is that it doesnt know reason. when it feels, it feels. full stop. rummaging through why-s will just make a maze. heh, isnt it? time, also can be endless. did i thought wrong?

What actually matters?

reading story book is about anticipating what will happen next to the characters but our life? does it work the same? or we just do what we thought right and justly to ourselves and let it pass. ok, not really pass but yeah, whatever it means*shrug*. who knows, we will be able to reach the point of saying to ourselves, it's ok. it's ok. repeatedly. how it feels is something else but really, does it count as our strength? to be able to hold self up and continue walking the life. it became to us, that it's not about how it ends but how it goes. the bittersweet.

so?