What distract me..

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy

[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm comimg clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind

[CHORUS]

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean

[CHORUS]

Let's go back
Back to the beginning

~C0me Clean~

What someone can do to another

woman: I'm scared..

man: I know..you can do this...it'll over in a second...you can do this

woman: okay...

man: okay..

~Grey's 0217~

ahh well. i'm taking my own sweet time with this series and hate to admit, tears were wasted over this episode. eyy, be strong lah!

Words of reminder

(i very much prefer my initial writing about this, only to lose it during the bad internet connection...)

8am-5pm lectures/simulation/workshop is tiring but at the same time, here's

Human error is human nature- we're not trying out excuses but stating a matter of fact. stupid mistakes, lame mistakes or careless mistakes are all created annotation to make us feel less flawful, when the truth is human is fallible no matter how good/experienced they are. there'll always be hindsight bias where people would go in disbelief about how anyone could commit that straight-forward mistakes when actually it doesnt seem so when the event is taking place. ahh an easier example, can anyone explain why the handbag is in the kitchen cabinet and bread loaf is on the study table?
as we are aware that error is not acceptable, we still need to acknowledge of the possibility. just like u pray and wish ur loved ones to be treated in the best possible way, we meddies say our Bismilllah before anything. there's no 100% in medicine and we cant promise u anything perfect.

Profesionally human- while some chose anxiety over procedures and the absolute NO's for junior doctor, some others voiced out concern for the personal impact and long hours next year. any profesionals remains human. full stop. no amount of successful major surgery or finest advancement in medicine could trade human relationship.
Regardless, different people put different values to different things. i would still die with a smile being a mediocre doctor, provided that i've made small diff in ppl's life. less pay or not. know-it-all or not.


Be in the scene, understand- its a lot easier to point out what they should've been doing to manage patient who crashed during the simulation, only to find us fumbling with IV line and blood taking in the next slot. everything seems straight and easy when we are playing the role of observer but once we are in, it become maze.
I have been at both end. the one feeling beyond hopeless and the one trying to rise someone up from hopelessness. the former is nastier but only by experiencing it, i could do better with the latter.


A step forward and stop-we thought we're playing smart by writing up 24 hours plan for fluid balance in patient who's severely dehydrated, when all we need to do is actually give a bolus of fluid stat and re-assess.
We love to look for the future. we love to anticipate that it'll go this way and i'll continue that way. we thought that by having everything's in plan would make things easier for us but sometimes, it's ok to take a step at a time and reflect. we see how things go and we work from there.


Learning curve for everyone- we may failed our attempt to put first IV drip, or successfully did it for several times only to find it difficult to get on one of those days.
We need to overcome the nauseating first experience, to prove to ourselves that we could actually do it. once we're done with that, we feel less shivers down the spine. even so, bad days will never go away. only remember that there'll be tomorrow, day after tomorrow or next year. if u read this surgeon's writing on doing IV and taking blood in his early years of meddies, u'll feel the familiarity with how ur doing at the moment.

That's the take home message for all.

Pandang depan

as i moved into single room this yr, i kept the light on for a few days before i jumped on the bed to sleep. just for safety precaution. then, i started to turn off the light and getting the light from computer. once in a while subconsciously, i turned off both and hide cover myself up under the quilt before everything became bleak dark. try not to think too much.

it was all fine.

last night i turned off both n purposely got myself a streak of light from the 1cm-opened door. suddenly, my one-and-only-for-now housemate came to the door and asked me something. upon leaving, i casually said

'jgn tutup rapat. takut'.

i KNEW it!! i KNEW it was coming. that BIG EYES. that purposely BESARKAN DAN JEGILKAN MATA. then off she left. leaving me...

arghh&***@!)*^

the next thing i heard

'ARGHHHH BENCIIIII KAUU!!!!!! tak kira tak kira, nak tido bilik ko jugak!!'
her evil laugh from behind the wall.

and of course, i jumped off the bed and slept with the light on.

***********************

earlier in the morning, i got myself confused. i just realised that i've been regarding myself as 22 years old, if not 23. i shaked my head vigorously in case that tiny bit of memory got stuck anywhere but i still thought of the same. i confused myself even more by thinking hard

'eh, shuldnt i be thinking about marriage or at least settling down if that's my corrected age..like most others are doing when they're at that age'

ahh well. i am 22 =)

Holy Journey

i wished my parents safe journey, regards to my younger sister. May they find solitude and blessings in this 2 weeks' period, as HIS guests...

adik, this is the best SPM gift one could ever ask. still, I cant believe ma-abah decided to put u forward in the list and beat me behind.

Insya Allah, my turn will come this Ramadhan.

Keep swimming, keep swimming

it felt better after the tears.

Taste of pre-intern year

i arrived home (in Melb) around mid-day of sunday. suffice to say, the journey ended up with 15hours of total, instead of the usual 7 hours.

i failed to get up at 5am the following morning (what do u expect? it's 3am msian time and i'm knackered out) and one test after another. missed the bus, mistaken the bus's monthly pass for something else in my purse, penniless. courtesy of the bus driver, i reached BH. but it's not the end. vascular surgical team was very fine, only that the resident (one level above intern position) was quite nasty. i was scolded for being unsure of how to write the notes in medical files(i'm sorry miss, but today's actually my very FIRST DAY in BH, my very FIRST DAY as final year meds in melb, my very FIRST DAY in your unit..and even if u think i'm dumb, u can talk to me nicely, thank you..well, actually..u reminded me of future experience in msia ) one look after another, i chose not to edge. my gratitude to the registra(position above resident) and fellow(position above registra, below surgeon) for making it up by treating me, the usual manner any medical student should receive.

as i walked away from hosp, i patted my back for braving the day. unedged. very much tired from all the walk (40 mins total), bus ride (60 mins total), hosp hour (9 hours) and tormented soul. even so, i prayed that night for the next day to be better.

it became so. tried hard not to step on the resident's shoes but at the same time, improving myself. 5am (3am msia time, remember?) had been my wake-up time for the rest of the week. meals all over the place as i only went into the kitchen for water, not cooking. prayed every morning that my day will be eased and everynight for all the strength and blessings given to me.

4 days of hard job for me. tough maintenance. nevertheless, unedged n prayed.

but i was rewarded justly by HIM on friday. scrubbed in and assisted in carotid endarterectomy (open up blood vessels in the neck to take out plaque or else it'll flow into the brain and cause stroke-yes, thats for u SMOKER and high fat dieter). the fellow and me, my name in the operation notes. again, that look from the resident but i care no more. deep inside, i know she's doing me a good favour. to be a tough cookie.

i am the FISH.

***********
him, who reminded me to pray hard and not to be too negative.

her, who teaches me to talk to ALLAH every morning and night...seeking HIS help and thanking HIM for all the grace.

my brother, who reminded that when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

my mum, who wants me to make full use of doa' as the ultimate help.

her, who promised to keep her prayers with me.

her, who assure me that things are tough but they'll get better so need to hang in there.

i thank them.

Sidetracked

thnx k yatt...

frankly... really enjoy taking em... cam rase lg sehat...n ade la krg 2 kg's although ade je skip2...hehhe.. i'll try to be more and more 'obedient' with HL...

neway...size dun really matter... the fact yg rase healthier n more energetic tu...itu cam mmg rase hapy la.. i'll contact u if ade pape new improvements...

c ya...

-email from her-

i know..that's why i'm impatiently waiting for my HL from OZ's headquarter cos after 5 days, i cant stand unhealthy nitbits and expensive meals at the hospital anymore. life will be a lot healthier and easier with the shakes and teamix afterwards.

and this is what i emailed her earlier

i'd like to share some interesting and informative facts about this product.

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/2007/04/reducing-cholesterol-level-with-soy.html

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/2007/04/boost-your-metabolisme-rate.html

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/2007/02/do-you-know.html

http://akmal-herbalife.blogspot.com/2007/02/drink-water-to-burn-calories-increase.html


hopefully after reading this, u'll understand why i keep on emphasizing that herbalife is NOT ONLY about weight and inches. it is also about HEALTH and WELLBEING, indeed.

When love means letting go

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah ku beri
Tiada lagi bersama

Sering, kala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah bersulam bahagia

Ku harungi hari demi hari
Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali
Tapi hati masih tak terima
Ditinggalkan sengsara

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
Perasaan hati masih rindu
Kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku

Tercari-cari bayanganmu
Tak sanggup aku kehilangan
Kehilanganmu…
Masih tercari-cari…

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
Masih tercari-cari bayanganmu
Tak sanggup aku kehilanganmu

=)

Something from the song

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten, yeah
Oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines, yeah yeah
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
-Unwritten-

Thanks R for the song. I've been carving the words into my mind to brave through future tomorrow's. It really takes the inner courage in ourselves to determine who and how we'll be, or so i believe.

Foreign-Home Land

safe and sound, although days prior to departure were emotional ones. tears came down, uncontrollably.

as much as i'd wish to keep life personal, i just have to admit it's been very much trying for myself and i'm so vulnerable. that's why if you are to bring more confusion, sadness or anything like that to me in near future, just dont. thank you.

i wanna change myself. from a person who used to take note of everything to someone who's unconcerned. from a person who used to work hard to please other people and be nice to someone who put herself first. from a person who often lose her temper over something subtle-but-matters-to-her to someone who said to herself 'it's ok, it's not ur problem but theirs. if they think it's wrong they'll change but if they don't, its not ur fault. just, whatever'. from a person who used to believe in everything people said to someone who shrug off and remember that promises could never go beyond sweet talk.

ahh well.

even with list of things to deeply worry, grieve and be bitter about; at the end of the day i go on believing that everything's in HIS hands for HE is my ultimate HELP. i shall remain hopeful for the day my patience to be paid off. even if it doesnt reach there, i am hopeful to HIM. and that's all i need.

It's time

I'm leaving again.

i know it'll a lot lonelier. i know there'll be less people there for me.i know a lot of changes i need choose to adapt.

but no matter what, i need to brave through it all. no matter what, i need to toughen myself up. myself.

ahh well. whatever.

just, WHATEVER.

bye, malaysia.

Pause

Everything came down to me. if everyone would have a moment of uncertainty in this journey, that was mine.

where's the passion i used to have and love?

It can't be just...anyone

maybe,rare breed.

when others may thought that he is such a blur and so expressionless in his acting, i find him appealing in his own naivety way. haha, random i know. i love his subtle-ty in expressing himself. i am attracted to his i couldnt-care-less attitude to the world, but care enough about people to be emotional.he gives me this comfort feeling, if i could describe it why. dominant but nothing close to being chauvenist. as i am not comfortable and jerk away from over-enthusiastic's cos i find it scary, so he is j.u.s.t n.i.c.e.

why am i not fascinated by the ohh-so-good-looking-eye-candy faces of others? the ones who say things out smoothly..the ones who get all the girls to dream on and be charming effortlessly in the movies/dramas? ok, maybe they do get my attention but it'll be just for a while,and nothing as comforting as to watch him? in fact, they all look fake in my eyes.nothing to intrigue me.tasteless.

ahhh, well.

Final straw

yeah, tioman's the finale little retreat. as much as i'd like to expore the island, i very much appreciate my nap under the shade by the beach..snorkelling was indeed, a beautiful experience with strikingly-colourful fishes and chorals..but not the sea-sickness by the end of it though=(..seafood buffet was simply perfect with lots n lots of watermelon i put in my plate..heh, i'm so random.

but nothing beat my final experience before leaving mersing. all bus tickets were sold out and taxi driver wanna charge us with some ridiculous amount. well, i thought maybe two of us could do with bus-hopping but prior to that after performing my jama', i simply went 'permudahkanlah urusan kami. selamatkanlah perjalanan kami...' while walking towards the town to look out for bust stop, as much as none of us would dare to hope, someone from counter called out for us saying that there were extra 2 tickets left as someone decided to gave them up for taxi trip.

selangkah ku dekat padaMU, seribu langkah KAU dekat padaku.

hmm, i'm ready to wrap up JB. all i care about now is to be at home with my family. awkwardly homesick. somebody, pls save me!!