Scale

aaahhh, how am i going to lose another 5kg 4 kg ?? i have another 3 months and i am determined to achieve that target but, scale is really not my best friend. while i am wearing a size smaller the clothes go loose on me, it still points to the same number. how frustrating is that?

oh, dear. i know i havent been a good candidate either, where once in a while i go easy and indulge on the happily-prepared meals. but, i've sacrified my top-of-the-list pasta & noodles and take up green tea (though not religiously,opss), so i deserve some credit, u dumb scale!! dont wanna fren u anymore =p *rolled eyes*

hah, tak pasal pasal bergaduh dengan scale =D

summer

hehe, i so can't wait for this coming summer break. i could write a long list of things/people/places/food i wanna do/meet/visit/eat for that but i'll do it next time.

as for now, i'm still euphoric after chatting with I. we do have a lot of things to catch up. to reminisce. and the most exciting part would be our mini 'getaway' plan at one of the waterplaces in town outskirt...ohhh, we are so dugong water-friendly kan?? hahah, if i am given a choice, the best place to hang out would be sungai/beach, or park sambil2 berebut main kat playground..erm, shopping mall kurang gemar sket sbb too hustle-bustle. rimas.

anyway back to the plan. ohhh, i'm so excitedddd..hihihih, cepatlahh december!

eh makcik, lagi skali ko mistaken aku as prefect, mesti cik Aisah kecik hati..huhuh

reminder

A little reminder

'Dan apabila hamba-hambakKU bertanyamu mengenai Aku maka(beritahu kepada mereka): sesunnguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia berdoa kepadaKu. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruanKU (dengan mematuhi perintahKu), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepadaKu supaya mereka menjadi baik dan betul'
1:186

all of us should always remember this. no matter how hard it is, no matter how low we feel. just think, how lucky we are to have HIM to turn to? when other people are struggling alone, our hands meet and we pray.

Today

I am going to see GP for my blood test result. i dont really know what to expect. in fact, i dont really wanna know. too much going on to bear another one. its nice to live in ignorance. scared? understatement.

before i forget, can anyone who would like to receive kad raya to give me the address? YM or friendster. maybe up until next week.

UPDATE (5pm)

Alhamdulillah, the blood test result came back normal, apart from borderline low T3. i wonder whether i can pointdown at that for my depression-like symptoms. heh, escapism. eventhough i act sound non-chalant, i cried over my anxiety whenever i thought about this ordeal. especially yesterday. but that's the past now. all i need to do now is cancel the ultrasound appointment and repeat the bloodtest in 2 month's time. A suggested me to take more salt. iodinised salt to boost up the hormone level. i think i will. who knows, it helps with my slimming down programme as well. u know, thyroid hormone and metabolism. heh, crap.

anyhow, i walked out of the clinic with lighter head and better feeling. alhamdulillah.

Harapan Ramadhan

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
Kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat kulalui
Dengan sempurna

Selangkah demi selangkah
Setahun sudah pun berlalu
Masa yang pantas berlalu
Hingga tak terasa ku berada
Di bulan Ramadhan semula

Puasa satu amalan
Sebagaimana yang diperintahNya
Moga dapat ku lenturkan
Nafsu yang selalu membelenggu diri
Tiada henti-henti

Tak ingin ku biarkan Ramadhan berlalu saja
Tuhan pimpinlah daku yang lemah
Mengharungi segalanya dengan sabar
Ku memohon pada Tuhan diberikan kekuatan
Ku merayu pada Tuhan diterima amalan

Selangkah demi selangkah...
Dengan rahmatMu oh Tuhanku...
Ku tempuh jua

Day 1

Somehow, it didnt feel quite right. I did what i need to do without hesitation, put ego aside. Day went on pretty quick. Not much of waiting for breaking fast. Delusioned about pasar ramadhan to cheer up a bit. Terawikh n tadarus as usual, alhamdulillah.

Listen to her grief saddened me. Think of what i did dissapointed me. Submit myself to HIM relieved me.

'Perkara yang benar ialah yang datang dari Tuhanmu. Maka jangan sekali-kali engkau menjadi dari orang-orang yang ragu-ragu'
(2:60)

Salam Ramadhan

Selamat berpuasa kepada semua. hmm, awal pagi tadi rasa sayu bila ingat esok nak puasa. too much to handle at the moment.

For this holy month, I pray for strength. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for patience. I pray for solitude. I pray for blessing. I pray for guidance.

I surrender myself to HIM, for HE knows me best.

seikhlas hati, minta maaf kepada semua.

More than ever

deleted

For today only..

- Both my GP tutors made me promised to go and see doctor tomorrow. hmmm, kisahnya macam nih..as far as i can remember, say since 13 years old a lot of ppl have been commenting on my neck. goitre or lumpy neck. since it didnt bother me much, i ignored it. came to melb & learnt about thyroid and stuff, still i dont see any point of checking it out. its like there's no symptom so i dont wanna make a big of fuss about it. ok, it got a bit more noticeable whenever i'm struggling but thats about it. so it's been there for years...
this year, i noticed a small bump on the side of the lump. still, i didnt do anything, yeah, tell me about bad medical student. i thought if it's bad, i should be able to notice the changes to my body..

so today, i casually asked my GP tutor (CS) to have a look. the moment she saw it, she knew.

'Have you seen the doc about this'
*grin and shook my head*
'Have you had it checked? blood test?'
*grin and explained abit..shook my head again*
'When was the last time you have the ultrasound/CT scan (not even sure which one)?'
*grin and shook my head*
'Who's treating you at the moment about the thyroid?'
*grin and shook my head*

omg, i'm bad. CS had this 'unbelievable' look and started on how more-than-necessary for me to get it check..erkk, i'm out of defense lines. as i thought that was it, she told the next GP (MY ) whom i sat with later of the day. so, they are going to check on me next week whether i've done all the necessary. oh my, as if they can read my mind contemplating to postpone it to week after i finish my case study report. *innocent grin*

-I decided to find another case study (refer line above). the deadline is week after next so i'm suprised how composed i am now. kinda putting it at risk but i guess i just have to do it. i know the previous one is not a bad choice but when teenager's involved in mental health, there are so many aspect i need to cover so i'm not that comfortable to write it up. this decision came up after discussion with CS, as she might have noticed how unsettled and not-performing i was these few weeks. so i decided to give it another go tommorow so that i can work on it over the weekend. *pray hard*

i guess i'll be fine tomorrow. for both of the above.

Turning 9

Hello handsome boy,

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

May Allah bless you. I hope you'll grow up and become a good man. I wish for all your happiness and love you always...

Hugs,
Cik N.

About changes

'In the therapy, we use thought to change the feeling. Generally, when they are feeling down, they tend to generalised things. "i always have this, i always fail to.." they use always very often and negative thinking occupies their head. slowly when it keeps on being repeated in their mind, it sounds valid. so what we need to do is challenge the thinking. "Is it always..., ?" "haven't u ever achieved something" the they'll start to think and say " aaaa, not always..there are times when.." then they realise how much they've achieved so far.
-Tutorial-

it's not easy. i can say that because i've been at both ends. i know that when we're feeling down and dump, nothing sounds right. we just want things to go our way, no matter what. fair enough, everybody has desires. the frustration, the angst, the sadness....they block the mind.

also, listening to strong emotions are tough. there are times when i, myself feel hopeless. it takes understanding that the person isnt shoving us away whenever they disagree or left the conversation, but they are just too miserable. fair enough. i try really hard not to give false hopes, thats why sometimes my words can be a little bit not-of-what-they-wanna-hear. i dunno, its a juggle between giving consolation and bringing them back to reality. the best i can do is really, listen.

My YM status written as

'Belum puasa, sudah dapat biskut raya =D'

hehehehe, sukeeee...
ini daripada kak S, my darling sis in law. baru harituh sms mintak address, and then another sms this week utk bagitau dah poskan. tup2 bila sampai rumah tgh hari td, dah dpt parcel. alamakkk, so happy ;)

happy sebab dapat sesuatu tanpa diminta. tambah happy sebab sms yang berbunyi

-I sent 2 boxes. dapat dua2 dah? habiskan..nanti kak S hantar lagi-


ladidaaaa, tart nenas for dessert in Ramadhan...

Mari bercerita..

1. minggu ini turn aku utk prepare notes anatomy for the group. uhukkk, aku tak reti melukis..tak tipu, lukisan aku yg paling cantik adalah orang lidi dan rumah kotak..nak tahu ape aku buat??nyehnyehnyeh, aku tekap segala gambar yg penting...ok, lepas tuh ada satu picture nih mcm x muat space kalu tekap so aku cubalahh lukis...tak susah pun, so dah siap tuh aku saja tunjuk Z, tanya dia rasa2nya nih gambar ape...jawapannya ialah

'laaaaaa, aku ingatkan muka teddy bear'.

huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! terus aku padam lukisan itu...ape nih, gambar tulang belakang ada rupa teddy bear ke???

hmm, meh bukak cerita zaman kanak2...ingat lagi dulu masa skolah menengah ada satu buku autograph kena siapkan utk kelas seni. ok, aku pun seronokla sediakan satu section utk family. bagi ma abah, all the siblings termasukla abang ngah untuk tulis ke ape...mentang2 dia pandai melukis, nak tahu dia lukis ape?

huuuuuu, gambar aku dari pandangan atas...pastu caption

'gambar tak nampak kaki'

kononnye kalu tgk dari atas x nmpk kaki sbb gemukkk (mana adaaaa pun!!) . jahat tak? jahat tak?

2. smalam aku main netball. joined KUAM netball challenge..team kitorang nih punyelaaa lepak, practise sehari sebelum jeh..tuh pun players cukup2..haha, pastu oklah. dah agak dah mesti akan ada this team yg sangatlaaaa suka-nak-menang. nak menang jeh takpe, tp main ganas x hingat. sepak karang!
pastu nak jadi cerita, aku paired up dgn budak from that team yg dah diketahui kisah suka-pegang2-org-pastu-main-tak-ikut-rules. amendeee lah. mula2 tahan lagi, tp last2 tuh aku dah bengang. i mean-ko nak lari kejar bola ko larilahh, takyahla tangle2 kat aku. bongek!
pastu nak tau ape aku buat???

hahahahha, bila aku dpt bola and dia nak block aku depan2, aku TOLAK dia suruh dok jauh2 sket...wahkahkahkah!!

tak pernah lg aku mcm tuh...tp puas hati aa rasa..heeee

3. semua org dah buat so aku org yg last tulis buku KIKI tuh..kononnye nak bagi last2 so that takdela dia baca siap2 before naik flight...tp mlm tuh aku demam, so letakla benda alah tuh bawah meja. the next day aku bangun weng2..tak buat ape2 pun, siap2 nak pegi airport...

salam2. sambil tunggu flight,

'mana buku KIKI aku??' -yes, she knew about the book. suprise tak jadik, ok!

1st thing-blank. and then

'alamakkkkkk, aku lupe'

My say?

deleted.

Till next time

is that it?
ok, try again..

i dont find pleasure in writing here anymore. i've kept too much to myself, there's nothing to tell here. sorry yeah, i find it really really hard to leave a print here now. i've too much pride in me to admit and i believe my sorrow isnt to be bared here.

thats why i rarely updates nowadays. i believe if i am to share, i'd like it to be my happiness. when i am contently smiling from the lingering joy..it can be as small as get-together with the girlfriends or sms from family... sadly though, the positive vibes are not as much. to admit that i'm afraid to be high is not an overstatement. for so many times, i fell down harder. i dont want to go thru the same thing again. i'd rather be little-lower-than neutral so that if i fall, it doesnt cause much pain.

in one of the classes, tutor taught
'the reason why someone stays in bad thing because of its predictability. for example, a wife would rather stay with her abusive husband because she can predicts what's gonna happen every night. she'll get hurt but she already knows that, so she doesnt have to worry about what's gonna happen.
the reason why someone leave good things because its too anxiety provoking. the person doesnt know when it will lasts, so he/she will end up leaving the job/person because he/she would rather lose it now than having to bear the uncertainties and waiting for it to end.'

an eye-opener for me. it makes sense. for someone like me, i find it easier to do the latter. when i was a kid, whenever i wanted something i would make sure i got it there and then. i told u i didnt have much patience. as i grew up, i learnt that if i cant have it through my wish, i could work my way out. sometimes it worked by good grades so that i could earned my rewards.

later, i learnt that the evil is hope. when there's no hope, i wouldnt anticipate as much. or in fact stop anticipating. so i learnt to give up hope. no grudges whatsoever, my sole intention was to eliminate hope. instead of me waiting, i chose to leave it there. i did that again with my parents last night.

on a lighter note, i am aiming to lose 5kg for my 3012. ok, lets add that to the wishlist.

erm, it feels good to write again.

Warning

This fella is irritable, grumpy, moody, non-sense, difficult and handful.

So long, farewell...

she's leaving today. too bad i'm down with bug, otherwise i would've been able to write more affectionately. not the best time.

To my dearest

ABAH,

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

may Allah bless you..i hope we, your children will be able to make you feel happy and contented as how you've made us, with all your love and prayers. miss you so..

Day 4

(pictures removed)

Lucky last. Great Ocean Road. Joined the tour, heaps of fun. but the best part were the unexpected stops...Koala & native birds, rainforest, to name a few. and i've always known that this place is the landmark of melb, so worth experiencing for 2nd (and 3rd, 4th) time. Beautiful!

so, thats about it .. getaway in Melb for winter...anyone coming next year?

Day 3

(pictures removed)

Snow experience in Mount Buller.
i. Before snap snap
' jap jap...tudungggg aku'
'heeee dia nih, tudung ko mmg takleh nak ditolong dahh..hahahaa'

ii. After snap snap
'tengok tengok..nmpk gemuk tak??'
'hahah, semua org nmpk gemukla dlm gambar nih...jgn risau'

..two funny incidents on the way back. Instructor jual minyak dekat budak blakang seats ktrg dlm bus *sengal sengal* and Glen Waverley, mis-SMSed as Mount Waverley. poor the two who had to pick us up from the station
'kejap aku check...aku dah sms dah kak S ckp kita turun kat Glen W..eehhhhhh, aku tgh mamai nih masa tunngu kak S reply SMS. aku ingat aku dah tulis Glen W, tp aku pegi type Mount W..'
'aaaaaaa?? gillerrr aaa ko..LOL'

Day 2

(pictures removed)


Road trip to ballarat. A joined as the honourable driver *rolled eyes* went to Sovereign H!ll & widlife park... hahaha, pardon us for so many cacat photos...most momentous would be 'backstreet boy(and girls)', iklan kereta and aksi bersama kangaroo.. we were all acting like kids .. heaps of laugh
'huhhh, tak larat nak amik gambar kuda dahh aihh'
'ntahnye hang, asal lalu je amik..asal lalu jeh amik.'
later, didnt feel like calling the day off so we wandered around (in the car) to find a good spot for sunset. iyelah sangat, bersnap-snap belah sini, matahari belah sana...
'haaa, keta tak hidup..'
'tuhlaaa...nak sangat ambik gambar kan?? ambikkklaaaa...sampai keta hidup balik'
hahaha, saje jehh buat lawak basi kat tmpt takde org tuh..takleh start betul2 barula naya..and then dinner kat Bismi...
road trip, enjoyed the experiences at our own pace.very nice;)

Day 1

(pictures removed)

where the journey begun. city. chillier than expected. 1st Fitzroy garden where the 'aksi org malaysia datang melb buat tunjuk perasaan kat atas jalan' captured hillariously (haha, that one will be a good blackmail!!). snap snap, lotsa eye-rolling scenes...miniatures, waterfall, girrafe swing, dragon slide..
'cepat, cepat...nak Smith St plak nih'
"tuh diaaaa, tak sabar dahh nak shopping..'
'haah, otak aku takleh nak focus dah nih'
'hahahahha, cheehhhhhh..'
our fave's, Nike and Roxy. couldnt resist the temptation to splurge (a little bit). pick pick, hihih. seriously, take away some sanity from me and i'll end up with bigger bags..until
'adeihhhh, pala aku dah pening..ada nak carik pape lg ke?? laparrr dah nih..'
'haaa, tuhlaa...aku pun dah mabuk dahh tgk baju2 nih...jom jom carik makan...'
Skewer's ...mak aihhh, mcm nak meletup mkn kebab combo tuh...singgah RMIT solat. then carik Yarra cruise. hahahahha, buat keje gila pegi tawaf flinders st sampai nak patah kaki, pasal konon nak carik ticket yg lagi murah tp alih2 end up kat tmpt yg sama tuh jugak...record 20 mins pusing city...hahah. atas boat tuh, sejukkk..boleh pulak sign 'ship' boleh ingat 'shark'..gile lawak. dah nak beku kat williamstown, patah balik pegi city naik train. kat crown, sakan lepak kat walt disney's shop. snap snap again.
'aku dah cuak dah, org kat kedai tuh tgk2..mesti dia kata budak2 nih dok pegang2 bukannye nak beli'
..hihihih...jln2 tgk itu ini (sesat skettt), jomlah balik....

The last of 4..

Worm. no complex structures, just instinct. eat, shit, crawl. simplicity. deadly simplicity. it does what it's programmed to do and then check outs.
Dig!tal F0rtress

highly recommended, this one.

*Wink*

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

hey hey..
it's Alysha's birthday!! may Allah bless you with all the happiness you deserved in life. i hope things are going great for you, both studies and wedding preparation. hehe...take care ok!

The day i know i CAN'T do child psychiatric

it's too heart-wrenching for me. it reminded me so much of him.

i was after a case study for psych and T was the best candidate, said the doctor. the moment i was showed to T , i thought of him. few years older but went through similar drama in life. i saw him in T. the pain. the confusion. the fear. the lost. almost everything.

more than once, i lost words because i was caught up in my own thought. i kept on talking, while all i wanted to do was actually give T a hug and said that everything will be fine. later, i went to read T's notes and had it not be i was in the ward, i would've cried.

later when the doctor said
' try to put yourself in his shoes, how would you felt?'
i dont have to imagine that doctor, because i've been dealing with one for the past 4 years. with him.

its not something i can bear to look at everyday.

Sneak preview

Of my little away the past week, I will let the highly-welcomed guest update first..

p/s In a meantime, there are things i need to take care of. period.