hurt

yes, i smiled and enjoyed those days.

-when i cooked for mini get-together with the studymates. each stuffed themselves with variety of food, later complained of about-to-burst-tummy..
-when i spent hours on the net with my family everynight/day for the week. 'joined' the family gathering and bbq hosted at my house. went to the clinic half-heartedly on my brother's engagement cos i really wanna 'join' the preparation. hearing my little heroe's voices and other loved ones soothed the ache of missing home. i didnt mind waking up from my sleep to hear and see them, and they really put up with my sleepy face.constant yawn =D
-when i dressed up and posed for the 1920's with the rest of the girls..everyone suprised each other with their own 'creativity'. best moments would be the picture-preview..full of vanity!hehe.
-when i received more kad raya from r0se & anee$a..not a bad collection this year;)
-when we had another girls' day out to the fiesta, walked around the town till our feets hurted and impulsively bought myself another pair of shoes..gelato and pecel lele completed the day
-when i met up with the whole bunch of ppl for the open house at the campus centre,with traditional foods and photography session after that. continued the day with house-hopping and pictures-hunting...

yes, i do enjoyed each and everything. even when i slept with tired eyes and damp pillow at nights. even with deep cut and bruises from the battles at every corner of my life. even with loss and despair.

raya

Woke up for subuh and stayed awake despite the early hour. showered and went down to kitchen and started preparing roti jala. earlier last night, cooked kuzi ayam. then the rest of the housemates joined in. as usual bila dah ramai2, hingaqq..

around 730, started to walk to the sports center for Eid prayer. beautiful sunny day. quiet journey as there's only 3 of us. the atmosphere there was hard-to-explain-with-words. non-discriminant. these pictures proved.

i wish i could record the khutbah. it came from the heart of the imam. beautifully said and insya Allah, listened. amongs all that i can remember

'During the Eid prayer, you see the mosque masya Allah, full with people. But for zuhr prayer, the very next prayer after eid, the mosque is empty...everybody's busy with the celebration. they forgot about jamaah. they forgot about the mosque'

'We do not have any control in our life. Only ALLAH has the power to control, and ALLAH is the GREATEST power'.

there was not much plan for the day. got ready at home while waiting for other friend to give us a lift to the joint-open-house. meantime, watched Peah's vidclip. rasa nak berguling2 gelak. iskk, rinduunyaaa...only had a destination for the day unlike the previous years, but the companies, the food and the joy we had made up for everything we missed back home. potlucks of laksa johor, mee rebus, rendang, lontong, kuzi, kuah kacang, cupcakes;), etc etc..scrumptious.

we spent the whole afternoon & evening eating, laughing, posing for the cameras and videos(!!), eating again, previewing the censored videos and pictures taken earlier, laughing out loud and watching movies.by the end of the day, everyone's knackered and i dozzed off in front of the tv in no time. what a pleasant and laid back celebration for me. as much as it doesnt feel much like raya this year, i had bundle of joy and sweet memories.

reached home around magrib and there were on the table

parcel from my sister. this time, it's almond london. ecstaticed after reading her note. i know, everyone's waiting for my flight home, i know;)

kad raya from kha1ee1. suprised, yet the kindest thought. duit raya, saya masuk tabung yeh?

i've promised my brother to go online so i bugged him. we both webcam-ed as almost everyone's home, so mum got to see me in my baju raya and i got to see how 'busy' they were breaking the last fast. penuh balai dengan food. afterwards, abg long managed to get us voice-chatted while vieweng each other, so i dont have to go downstairs to make a call. it was a quiet night for them, i could see. with lotsa XY's, there's not much they were doing apart from playing scrabble and lazing around. each took turn to entertain me while i was busy yawning. i hail for the technology for bringing me closer to my loved ones. there's nothing more precious than seeing their faces, even just on the monitor.

i went off to bed, CONTENTED. my 4th raya abroad is an almost-perfect one. My CREATOR, families and friends.

Allah MAHA ADIL, kan? DIA tak pernah biarkan aku kat bawah lama2..nanti DIA angkat aku balik, ke tempat yang lebih tinggi. syukur.

'I want you to remember one thing. Everyone here loves you very much...'
-Uncle-

p/s.the rest of the pictures? most probably after the exam=)

last

This may be my last time spending the whole Ramadhan here. insya Allah. also, my last time with the girls. they've been a great help for me to forget my sorrow, even for a while.

one fine day, years from now
-i will miss the anticipation of waiting for my parcels and kad raya. from the loved family and friends. along with them, attached the greatest thoughts and kindest regards. it's the best feeling. these make up their absence, partially.
-i will miss our get-togethers. potlucks and all. it's always been a therapeutic for me to be among the familiar faces and share each other's presence.
-i will miss our small activities after iftaar. may Allah bless us and accept our efforts to imarah this Holy month.
-all the trials and bumpy journey i am having now, i would reflect back. hopefully, i will be in better hands and place and keep the words of wisdom with me all the time. for every obstacle, i pray for rahmat and keredhaan.

This wednesday, insya Allah my 3rd brother will tie the knot with his soon-to-be-fiancee who is my friend-cum-senior in high school. yes, the 9498 batch. rest-assured, i have nothing to do with how they met with each other and managed to reach this stage=) in fact, it is a suprise for me, myself when i first know. nevertheless, i share their joy and will always pray for the best of them. i would like to keep this low profile and when the right time comes, i myself will make the invitation on their behalf here.

lastly, i would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya , Maaf Zahir Batin. for every action, word or silence that left a mark in anyone's heart, i sincerely ask for forgiveness. i cannot promise and can never be perfect, that's human. thanks for all the support everyone's been giving me all this while, by words and prayers.

till we meet again.

home

kisah dari kejauhan buat jantungku bergegar. tiada dugaan sebesar dugaan ini. tak sangka, sudah 10 bulan berlalu tp kisahnya masih bersisa.

dugaan yg buat aku rasa tak tertanggung. dugaan yg buat aku rasa takut. dugaan yg buat aku rasa terlalu sedih.

mungkin hikmahnya ialah aku tak lagi peduli akan kisah2 lain. biarlah takde kemaafan pun, biarlah. aku sudah penat untuk meminta.terlalu penat.

tapi ya Allah, aku tak mampu nak tempuh dugaan ini. dugaan yg sebenarnye menjadi bayang2 dalam diri aku selama ni.

aku pohon ya Allah.

Update

Few sms and a phone call from afar, soothed me. slowly, i learn to seek for help. for assurance. for hands to pull me up again. my blood.

defeated

I have an assignment to hand it tomorrow. however, i can hardly focus. self-blame and guilt halts me. i feel defeated. being at the receiving end, what goes around does comes around. ouch.

Face forward today! Think about the next adventure instead of dwelling in the past.

pesan

Pesan Rasulullah: ‘Jangan putus asa berdoa’

DARIPADA Abu Hurairah bahawa Nabi SAW bersabda bermaksud:”Allah sentiasa memperkenankan doa seseorang hamba selama doa itu tidak mengandungi (perkara) dosa, (perkara yang) memutuskan silaturahim dan selama tidak meminta supaya cepat-cepat diperkenankan.”

Lalu Baginda ditanya oleh seseorang: “Apa maksudnya meminta dicepatkan?” Jawab Baginda: “Umpamanya seseorang itu berkata dalam doanya:”Aku berdoa, aku berdoa tetapi aku belum melihat doaku diperkenankan. Lalu aku putus asa dan berhenti berdoa.” (Hadis riwayat Muslim)

-Ber!ta Har!an-

gembira sedih

Gembira sangat2 hari nih

Kad raya drpd L!yana-thanks my dearest. insya Allah, will take care of myself and will have a good time. Miss u too..

Parcel drpd ma-yeay, baju raya sudah dapat. suprise suprise, this time pun dah tak traditionally pink. this is 2nd year baju raya colour lain.tapi rasanya mesti yang kat rumah tuh ada at least a glint of pink. ma yang pilih dan sangat suka. tapi imigresen jahatttt, tak dapat kurma and serunding. jahat jahat!! suprise lagi bila dapat duit raya, dalam sampul pulak tuh. suka.

Parcel drpd kak sya- another round of tart nenas. kan dah kata, this year akan dapat kuih raya depan pintu je, tak payah buat pun. ada kad raya juga. seronok baca cerita2 dari msia.

tapi dengar lagu Ujang, terus air mata keluar. homesick kot.

raya

7 days before Raya

Baju Raya- posted last week. tak sampai lagi,gegegege. this time, minta ma hantar sepasang je, yang lain simpan utk raya haji la kot.

Kuih Raya- tak buat kot. tak reti (opss!). kalu ada pun, tart nenas and biskut almond yang kak sya hantar haritu. tak habis lagi so for sure sempat dimakan masa raya nanti. ada rezeki, adelah lagi kuih raya depan pintu. kalu tak, takdelah.

Lagu Raya- none in my playlist. entah, cukup dgn dengar from the other housemate's punye je. takde rasa nak mencarik kat net. oh kejap, ada satu actually. my favourite from Ujang-Syahdu di Pagi Raya. lagu nih tak glamer rasanya cos carik lirik kat net pun tak jumpa. tapi sangat suka. sape nak dengar bagitaula. boleh emailkan nanti.

Kasut/Beg Raya-kasut raya dah ada. haah, tak pernah2 beli this year terasa nak ada kasut baru. suka. beg tak terbeli sbb tak sempat nak shopping, lagipun nak carik yg berkenan susah. so nantilah, bila jumpa yang suka boleh beli terus.

Kad Raya-sent by today. received none, yet. dapat kad pertama hari nih. dari on!al!as. tak expect tapi sangat suka. terima kasih, kawan. selain tu, kad jemputan kawen boleh kira kad raya tak?? hehe.

Duit Raya- sape nak kasi pun kan, jauh jauh nih..nasib baik En/Puan MARA baik hati, hiks!

Bunga api/pelita- sabtu ni, insya Allah. tapi pelita macam susah je sbb windy. kang baju aku pulak yang jadi sumbu pelita. hee, takmau.

reverse

deleted

hard

deleted

awkward

deleted

cope

how do i cope?

i called my mum everyday. or every other day. 5 mins of her voice sufficed me. sometimes, i didnt have anything to story her, but i would still call.

i talked to my girlfriends over the net. absence makes our heart grows fonder. i guess, thats why Allah send me down here, away from the rest so that i will appreciate them more. L sent me a meaningful the butterfly & the flower. P replied my mail her wisdom. F humoured and amused me with her twist of life. they are amongst all. but what i actually enjoy most is their ability to step back and give me objective explanation. it helped a lot.

i made myself available for get-togethers. last weekend, we had girls' nite out for T & D's belated birthday. not the fancy restaurant that matters, but the good jolly laugh and food we shared. wish could display the moments here. the following 2 weekends, i'm booked for pot-lucks. pssstt, nak main bunga api jugak=)

i enjoyed my group study. it put me at ease at least, to know that i am sharing the burden of revision and whatsnot with the 3 others. we discussed, we explained and we laughed in between.
i pray so that Allah grants me the best of things. HE who understands me the most.

cupcakes

Can i say something ?

I want this for my birthday.

offended

deleted

OTH

New season

' TH is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world. Maybe it's nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you.

Someone trying to find their way.

Someone trying to find their place.

Someone trying to find their self.

Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who are struggling, unsatisfied or barely getting behind but that feelings are lie. And if you just hold on, just find courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all ok, because we all need a little help sometimes.

someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. that someone is out there and that someone will find you.'

Glad to have it back. nothing's therapeutic like this one. looking forward.

cry

Y: pedihh perutt
Y: tak sahurr
Y: *cry*
M: *cry*
M: x sedar
M: ngntuk sgt la pg td
M: huhu
Y: ituhlaaaaaa
Y: *cry*
M: *cry*
M: tdo je la nmpk gaye hr ni
Y: huhuhuhhuh
Y: takleh kijo banyokkk
Y: *cry*
M: *cry*
M: moh kite nanges...
M: *cry*
Y: *cry*

huhuhu, i miss my soymilk=(

tired

randomly random..

last night, managed to sort out my wardrobe. fuhh, the clothes are piling and i still have at least 3 tops i havent wear. simpan buat ape ntah =D i convinced myself that i need to stop shopping but i dont think i am willing to do that. why? because it's similar to why people get aneroxic. it's the ability to control. the person lose can't control what's happening in life, they feel hopeless so the only thing they can control is what they eat. in my case, shopping is something i can do without having to think of what other people may think or feeling guilty about it. shopping gives me sense of control, that i can have whatever i wanna have.

i hope i am not catching another cold because my throat hurts.

watermelon for breaking fast. reward.

100 plus.

UPDATE

no, i didnt have watermelon for breaking fast or after terawikh. instead, i made myself honey-lemon warm drink to sooth the sore throat and helps with the fever-ish. later, emptied a can of 100 plus.

feel better, thank you.

shout out

holler to...

Far!na: erm, aku nak propose date for dugong-session 3rd weekend in Dec? ok ngak? in case ko nak survery2 kat PD ke ape (huhu, sorilah aku excited sket bab2 nih =p) if tak sesuai, bleh carik date lain..nti passkan contact no !da jugak ek?

regulars (read: yang memeriahkan shoutbox): nak kad raya, taknak?? meh address..

note to self:
* let's re-do the wardrobe. "hello sleeveless comfy tops. hope to see you again, bulky coats"
* cut down the 2nd helping. remember, you're always in bed as early as baby old lady and u dont need extra calories to sleep, do u? teheeee.

Insight
'Ramadhan is a month of blessing. Ramadhan is a reflection of our daily life. Ramadhan means abstinence and this is what we have been doing in our life. We abstain ourselves from our desire to fulfill Allah's desire and our EID is the day when we die and granted with Jannah(insya Allah). Ramadhan is time for deep contemplation. What is our ultimate purpose in life?'

Rezeki

I reached home, there's a letter for me. hmm, bank statement. i keep 2 accounts and this one is my saving. upon looking at the transactions since July, my heart sank. ouchh, so much had gone =(

Z reached home and said
'ppsstt, ada good news...'

my heart leap again.
ALHAMDULILLAH.

Doa

' Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Ia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang diusahakannya, dah ia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya. (mereka berdoa dengan berkata): "Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganla Engkau mengirakan kami salah jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganla Engkau bebankan kepada kami bebanan yang berat sebagaimana yang telah Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang terdahulu daripada kami. Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganla Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang kami tidak terdaya memikulnya. Dan maafkanlah kesalahan kami, serta ampunkanlah dosa kami, dah berilah rahmat kepada kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami; oleh itu, tolongla kami untuk mencapai kemenangan terhadap kaum-kaum yang kafir".
1:286.

mum

last night

i dreamt of my mum. she came over here to visit me. i didnt get to spend time with her, i didnt even get to see her face closely. i didnt get to hug her either.

oh GOD, i miss her so much. i woke up tearful.

UPDATE

terribe headache first thing in the morning, and it didnt go away until now. worse as i climbed up the stairs. throbbing and disturbing. i dont need this at the moment, not when i have an assignment due tomorrow.

nap.
painkillers.

cuti cuti

tolonggg....

fikiran aku sangat occupied dgn ape yang aku akan buat selepas 2 bulan ini

-kelantan. berehat bersama family. ikut abah pegi kebun ke, kolam ikan ke. ikut ma pegi mana-mana. cari gaduh dengan adik, sambil2 buli dia. spoilkan diri dengan abg yu & ayah mie, mintak ape-ape mesti dilayan. oh,lupe. insya Allah akan ada majlis jugak nti kat rumah tuh. heheh, kalut laa aku nti. dah confirm, baru aku war-warkan yek!

-kedah. kak dah book aku awal2 suruh pergi sana before pegi tempat2 lain. hehe, i will always be her baby sister. she pampered me very much, now that i find it difficult to share her with her other 'siblings'. pastu nak buli main2 dgn budak kecik yang manja lemak berkrim tuh.

-KL. nih panjang sket. memula macam biasa melepak rumah abang. pastu buli main2 dgn syahman & umar, syakir jugak. spoilkan diri dengan kak sya sambil2. jalan2 cari makan ke, shopping ke. nak seafood bolehh?? next, time with the girlfriends. hooiii kawan kawan, mari kite turun ke laut sungai. so far, nak mandi sungai seharian, pastu overnight kat PD sambil jalan2 cari makan ikan bakar. ada masa lagi, jom shopping??? splurge splurge ...pastu weddings. yeay, let's dress up!

-Perak. time with the auntie. we'll do all the girl's stuff. shopping, movie marathon, food-hunting. like always. thats the beauty of being one of her favourite nieces ;)

-Johor. kalau ada rezeki, insya Allahh. new place, new ppl, new experience.

fuhh, timur barat utara selatan.

girlfriends

even if i've said this million times, i wanna repeat it again.

my girlfriends are loveable

-i love the way they care about me genuinely. i have a pinch of experience about those who acts caring but not so really, but they spare me from this.

-i love the way they point out my mistakes and make me change for better. i need ppl to shake some sense in me sometimes and they do the job very well.

-i love the way distances doesnt drift us away. it brings us closer, in fact. hail to the tech!

- i love the way i can act sixteen around them. no need to pretend, no need to impress. nice

-i love the way they love me for who i am. LPU,klutz and many more.

heh, cheesy!

'sila terjun'
peah, aku still cant get over kata-kata ko yang ini. sangat2 hillarious. setiap kali teringat, aku tersengih sorang2..ohh, bendulnya aku=D