Awkward

[UPDATED]

I could still smile at the end of my reading. hurtful truth? biasa je...

I'm done waiting, that was just silly of me...

And regretfully...

I am also putting an end to this space. Too much revealation for my embarassement. there said.

Looking back, this space has been with me since Feb 2004. Good 4 years and i never see this coming.

*wiping tears*

I'm sorry, girls for making this space a history. Drop me ur gmail address. i'll be somewhere.. dont hesitate even if u've only been my silent reader.

[Mehran and hanin, have u got urs?]

[Ye cipah, saya ternampak link saya dekat blog awak ;p)

So i guess this is goodbye to the rest, ey?

Wish me endless happiness in my new life.

Thank you...

p/s I'll be in KL for Deepavali long weekend. invite me for open house! =D

Thank You, Allah.

So much to write...

This raya was very meaningful, both for my family and myself...we had quality time whenever all of us were together , be it playing cards for the boys or computer games 'flip words' for the girls; eating and chit-chatting with each other or the annual bbq event. both my parents admitted that this was the best raya for them...i agreed. we didnt managed to capture family photo or have our colour theme on those days but we surely had our best memories with each others.

I was especially happy to see my nephews started to get to know each other (the youngest being 1 year old and the oldest is 11 years old) and played along. it was such an adorable scene to enjoy their antiques, cheeky and innocent. despite the fact that they only met up once or twice a year, the bonding's effortless.

[deleted]

Write later...

I wishh..

so this will be my first raya in Msia after 5 years abroad...

and my first raya since i started working...

but unfortunately, i am on call the night of raya=(

yup, when all my of family including the extended ones would gather at my home and have fun in our own way..i'll be stuck in the hospital with my favourite MO;p until at least 7am on eid itself...i tried not to think of how much i'll miss the moments..tgh berangan2 nak clerk patients ditemani lagu raya nih, chewaahh!

by the time i finish, i need to speed drive home early in the morning to catch Eid prayer and of course after that, succumb to the food feast..lalalala...hopefully, i'll save enough energy to stay awake throughout the day...

so i'm off from work for 3 day and voluntereed myself to be oncall again on day 4 of raya. reason being, there's my relative's wedding reception and i'm totally not in the mood to answer unnecessary question together with nasty smirk; up to the point i'm tempted to tell to their face, 'mind your own bussiness!' so that's the deal, on call while having fun with my fellow colleague.

that's about it for my first raya back in Msia i think...until 3rd weekend of next week..

before i'm off, i wanna wish all of u a happy and meaningful Eid celebration with ur loved ones...may we all be blessed with Allah and within His guidance..maaf zahir dan batin..


*************************************************

[deleted]

Haih!

So, i made a mental note to find tudung and sandal.

try yang ini, letak balik...try yg itu, rasa macam biasa je...

end up beli cd lagu raya..

hmm, rindu nak shopping dengan jayanya=(

Reminisce...

My first time of Ramadhan as a working lady...

The routine goes like this: i would be waken up by my mother for sahur (i know, bad daughter for not helping her out but i was too tired from daily job and driving) and quickly had my sahur before sleeping again. wake up in time to get ready for work and drives for about 40 mins to work. yeah, it's a bit of a distance but it's my parents wish to see me for berbuka and sahur...

work usually starts at 730-5pm. in between, i would walk to the kuarters during lunch break for zuhur and quick nap...most of the time, i'll be finishing by 4pm and ladida-ing while waiting to punch out. doing surgery during Ramadhan is a bless, friendly environment and much less workload; but not if i am in OT list like yesterday. it's 715pm and i was still doing the operation report.

after work, i would walk to the bazaar Ramadhan with my frens. Altho i dont have to buy anything but i still join the crowd cos i love the smell sight of food feast. heheh..once or twice, i just buy some of my favourite's to get over with my cravings...

i'd wait after 615pm before heading home to avoid pancaran matahari terik heavy traffic. I reach home in time for berbuka and after terawikh, i spend some time with more food my mum before hitting the sack...

I'm with my frens for berbuka when on call. we'd either: buy some food and eat together2, eating out at the nearest restaurant or doing Mc'D delivery..i gotta rush after that for rounds and pray hard to get some sleep while working throughout the night..

so, how's ur Ramadhan routines?

Titipan...

'haha sug. thanx for the kad raya! didnt expect it. sepraiss!tq!tq! oh thank god i cud still read ur handwriting. r u really a doc? haha. selamat berbuka....'

that's cute, hon!

TAGGY

I need to clear up my head.

By far this tag from Farina is the trickiest to do but for the fun of it, why not?

13 random things you love: (in no particular order)
1. my faith
2. my family
3. my frens
4. books
5. good food
6. SHOPPING
7. sports
8. travelling
9. HERBALIFE
10. Melbourne
11. Internet
12. shoes
13. bags


12 movies you like: (in no particular order)
1. Love actually
2. Harry Porter
3. Seniman Bujang Lapok
4. LOTR
7. AADC
8. Ali Setan (LOL!!)
9. Pendekar Bujang Lapok
10.
11.
12.


11 Band/Artists: (in no particular order)
1. Anuar Zain
2. Faizal Tahir
3. Kerispatih
4. Faizal Yusop
5. Johnny Depp
6. Takuya Kimura
7. Nicolas Putra
8. Jason Mraz
9. Usher
10.
11.


10 things about you physically and personality wise:
1. short-fused
2. (emotionally) transparent
3. **-24-36
4. appreciative
5. simple
6.determined
7. cepat merajuk
8.(not so) LPU?
9.
10.

9 songs for your wedding: (in no particular order)
Ohhh, i think i'll pass these to the future husband lah.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.


8 fav drinks/food: (in no particular order)
1. lasagna
2. air cendol
3. ayam masak pedas
4. ikan keli masak sambal
5. ikan patin masak lemak cili api
6. Krispy Kreme
7. Spaghetti
8. Laksa!!


7 things you always wear:
1. baju
2. seluar
3. tudung
4. sunnies
5. kasut
6.watch
7. bags



6 pet peeves: (in no particular order)
1. being scolded for any reason =(
2. sweet talker
3. taken for granted
4. sleepless night
5. hunger (kan, Mehran?hehe..)
6. hot weather


5 things you touch everyday: (in no particular order)
1. handphone
2. my face
3. pen
4. food
5. laptop


4 shows you watch: (in no particular order)
1. Takuya Kimura's
2. OTH
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Oprah's

3 celebrities:
1. P Ramlee
2. Oprah
3.


2 current wishes:
1. shopping spree in Melbourne with girlfriends
2. meeting life partner


1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. No 2 in aboved question


***************************************************
I'm feeling sleepy and dizzy. I've been working for more than 28 hours with only 3 hours sleep.

My tummy also hurts.

Nevermind

I guess i was plain wrong.

Forget what i wrote earlier.

Write...

1. I would be the one to wake the housemates up for sahur. we groggily went downstairs and feed ourselves, mine as simple as milk and dates. things started to be lively after school when we discussed of what to have for breaking fast across the rooms. we then had our gala time in the kitchen experimenting preparing the meals. we laughed, we sang, we gossiped over the paste and fry. more than twice we decided to order for pizza or walk our way to the nearest restaurant. terawikh was performed in jemaah afterwards i usually called the day off so that i could save energy to wake up early for some solitude time with HIM.

I missed those. I missed having the freedom of myself. I missed having the time for myself and Up Above. I missed doing things with my girlfrens.

2. I calculated my baju raya. I still have 1 unworn embroided green baju kurung which is a gift from my aunt last year. there's this peach kebaya i bought from sarawak and on top of that, i bought silk for baju kurung and retro pattern for another kebaya. ok, that's 4 already...and now i have another gift from another aunt, red to my liking. that'll be 5...hah! macam budak budak la pulakk banyaknyee *rolled eyes*

3.I thought i have eaten well enough but when i stepped on the weighing scale, i saw 50.9kg. *gasp* that was what i used to weigh when i was 12 years old, 15 years ago. that'll be 10kg loss from my usual weight..my brother kidded me as if i'm gonna *pooff* vanish cos he never saw me this erm, small?

4.We were having girls' talk in the oncall room when the question popped up "What's the thing that makes you happy?"

my answer was none other that SHOPPING, speaking of which i have been successful in avoiding this month. Fret not, i have already booked the flight ticket to be in KL next month..

5.My sister and SIL both agreed that i am his first crush. He publicly expressed his affection towards me. He thought of telling me first when he started fasting this year. He made his mum jealous for choosing me over her. He often picked his mum's phone and pretended to be messaging me. He hold my hand and hugged me tight.

Love you too, nephew!

Greeting...

For the past 5 years while i was in Melb, i receive at least a handful of kad raya from family and friends before every eid. I looked forward to peek through our mailbox whenever i reached home from class and it never failed to excite me as i saw my name in front of the envelope. i was very happy each time.sweet thought from afar but unfortunately, i wasnt creative enough for a handmade kad raya.

*blush*

So, now's my chance to return the deeds.

Leave me your home address and you can either post it in the commentbox or email me at chapz_y@yahoo.com.

This reaches out to each and everyone that arrives here.

Silent readers, or not.

So yes, including you.

Welcome

Desir pasir di padang tandus
Segar sang pemikiran hati
Terkisah ku di antara
Cinta yang rumit

Bila keyakinanku datang
Kasih bukan sekedar cinta
Pengorbanan cinta yang agung Kupertaruhkan

Maafkan bila ku tak sempurna
Cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah
Ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
Cintaku padamu

Bila bahagia mulai menyentuh
Seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
Namun harus kutinggalkan cinta
Ketika ku bersujud

This is not the song i was talking about but this song accompanied me as i could not sleep after assisting an appendicectomy last night.

Alhamdulillah, Ramadhan greets us again. I have fond affection towards this particular month as i gained ultimate strength and solitude from the up above when nothing else matters but HIM. Things were running deep low and i was losing my good sense, HE brought me closer to HIM. I was bestowed with a faith that Allah will never leave me alone whatever happened. HE calmed me down and taught me to accept fate.

I also have the fondest memories of 5 years back in Melb during this holy month especially with the dearest housemates and sporting GF's. I truly treasure our moments of cooking together (and sing-along in the kitchen). I highly appreciate our collective effort to imarah Ramadhan. It's been wonderful.

Let us all embrace Ramadhan with a hope that it'll bring us closer to our Al-Mighty and blessed with HIS guidance.

Insya Allah...

Off

I've been thinking of having the song here after few times of it tugging my heart but i then realised unwelcoming coincidence, decided againts it.

I'm with altered ego.

One day while tapping our fingers away at the nurse station as we wait for the lunch break, we came up with something exciting..

Looks like surgery has been giving us good time. Gallivanting, almost. Our next journey would be O&G. hell, they said. soo, in order to reward ourselves before submitting to endless stress in O&G, we'll apply for a leave before we end this rotation. Maybe end of Nov to go to Jakarta as she was once a student there. Having fun and shopping like mad with the other 2 partners in crime.

So that's plan Number 1.

Next: we were imagining ourselves to be very2 busy and tired during O&G rotation, no time to spend money. So as calculated, there'd be at least 4K to spend by the end of the rotation so we figured, we'll take the chance in Ortho rotation to fly to Gold Coast (unless anyone could suggest any better place to go? ) i know i've been to GC but a second trip wouldnt hurt i guess. I'll let u know if we found a better place to go. No, Europe has to wait till we could apply for a longer holiday( and richer) once we are MO's.

That's plan number 2 and 3.

We were giggling and feeling damn excited about it all along, one could've think we got delirious.

Ohh, tomorrow's family day for surgical department. when else would you be rubbing shoulders with your superiors in sporting mood?

But i'm gonna missed it, no thanks to oncall duty.

HUWA! aku nak masuk pertandingan makan buahhhh.....

Mixed..

huwaa!!

Farina, pls dont rub salt on my wound..jgnla cakap wedding tuh meriahhh cos lagiiii aku kecewa and nyesal sebab tak pergii

* mulut monconggg*

Okeh, date noted Peon...aku akan cuba sedaya upaya utk attend reception ko nti..worst come to worst, aku abscond from the hospital bleyy?? hihihi...

Today, i attended perioperative mortality audit for the hospital and it's a good post-mortem effort yet eye-rolling for some of the unrealistic remarks given by the non-practising medical professional. You should not go finding faults and pointing fingers to other people based on unwise hind-sight bias but dismissed other people's explanation. very funny! It takes a strong character to accept that life and death is beyond the doctor's power but the Almighty. But the moment would be

" I have something to say, whether we cut this man or not, he's going to die'

Indeed.

Actually, i'm meaning to write about something else. More exciting and look forward to but i guess that'll be for next time..

Faatin's finally shared our karaoke pics, thanks to Facebook. Mehran, i hope u dont go crying urself for missing tis one. ihiks! I'm contemplating of putting them up here..full of expression...fun!

Random..

Peon, aku mmg plan nak pergi wedding Ipek tp takde transport. Pastu plak bila zila offer nak ajak pergi sesama wif ina and sofia, aku still kat UIA for my sis's graduation so agak time constraint. would've been there having fun wif u girls, otherwise=(

But i couldnt believe my turn of luck. After work today, i went to Tesco to accompany a fren doing her groceries when i saw a familiar figure. It's the bride herself so i went "Ipekkkk" in the middle of the aisle...

I was soo glad for the coincidence. Perhaps, its the LOA cos i was thinking how to let her know that i couldnt make it to her other reception as i'll be on call this saturday. Anyway, back to our catch-up's, she was telling me how 'meriah' her wedding was wif my fellow SSPians' antiques. A glint of regret for not making it but i was glad to hear... I could almost imagine how cheery the reception as proven in the Facebook's pics...but He gave me a chance to meet the bride in person ;)

And ohh, i would've be broke if i am to work in Kl with my latest shopping habit...thank GOD, it's only been once a month for the shopping spree and here i am making an announcement

"Maka setelah diperkenankan Mohor raja- raja , saya dengan ini mengishtiharkan bahawa bulan September telah jatuh menjadi bulan berjimat cermat.."

Mari bersama-sama kita sensasikannya!

Quoted...

It's not enough to just imagine happiness. Like all dreams, one must then endeavor to experience it as well, knocking on doors, turning over stones, and otherwise giving your couch and your vision board a rest.

5 year's old...

I picked up my mobile..

Syahman: hellooo, nih abang nih...

Me: hellooooo abangg....ini cik nur

Syahman: awak datang rumah sini cepat cepat ye...cepatt cepattt...

Me: *chuckles* okayyy...

Syahman: saya suka cik nurrr..

Me: *stunned* eheh, saya suka awak jugaa..

Thank GOD i'm actually coming to KL this weekend for my sister's graduation and the usual retreat from work...so, there's a chance for me to attend Ifi's reception on saturday, only that i dont have transportation. i guess, i'll just see how it goes...

Now i know...

I did not realise until that evening.

I put down my white coat and bag and landed on my bed. I was alone in my studio (kuarters). I lied awake staring the ceiling and slowly i felt the tears. I sobbed in silence. the tv's on and i let the tears flowing down my cheek. no words to describe how i felt.

It's been a while. I could not let people know how vulnerable i felt. i internalised the pain, i swallowed everything. i shuddered at the thought of people reaching out for me. the pain does not worth anybody's time.

I've accepted my loss (and the choice to leave). It's only this pain i have to deal with.

I closed my eyes and put myself to sleep.

Mohon

Ya Allah,

Permudahkanlah urusanku, peringankanlah bebanku, perjelaskanlah tujuan hidup ku..

Ya Allah,
Tenangkanlah hatiku, kurniakanlah petunjuk, taufik dah hidayah kepadaku...limpahkanlah kasih sayang dan rahmatmu kepadaku...

Ya Allah,
Kurniakanlah kepadaku seorang yang dapat mengasihiku kerana Mu, yang dapat membimbingku ke jalan Mu dan permudahkanlah urusan kami...

Ya Allah,
Hanya kepada Mu aku memohon dan bergantung harap, hanya Engkau yang Maha Mengetahui segala apa yang terbaik buat diriku...perkenankanlah ya Allah..

Bare...

jangan dekat atau
jangan datang kepadaku lagi
aku semakin tersiksa
karena tak memilikimu

ku coba jalani hari
dengan mengganti dirimu
tapi hatiku selalu
berpihak lagi padamu

mengapa semua ini
terjadi kepadaku

reff:
Tuhan maafkan diri ini
Yang tak pernah bisa
Menjauh dari angan tentangnya

namun apalah daya ini
bila ternyata sesungguhnya
aku terlalu cinta dia

Flashback...

She looked at her watch. She took a glance at her phone. Smiling sadly, she knew she thought right.

It's almost time. Final call to board her journey back to Down Under. Her last moments in this foreign land with her dearest people was about to begin. She comforted herself and walked towards the departure hall. Phone switched off.

It was indeed, another empty promise.

***********************************************************

She stared long before the writing. She should've known better. She cursed herself silently for being silly.

She turned away, slowly making a small steps. the end seems further away. she quickened her pace and attempted to take control. she promised to never turn back.

She was stoppped by what she thought a reflection of light. She closed her eyes and covered her ears. She reminded herself of how hard it's been before, she's not willing for it to happen again. Sting of sadness hit her.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Hit...

I was flipping through the magazine, as the words' written

A TOUGH CHOICE
There will always be a time when you will be too sentimental to let go but too practical to hang on. It's a tough battle and i dont have the answer to the dilemma, but just take comfort that you're not the only one feeling that way!

aaahh, good to know;)

tomorrow i'm off to the family affair in Cameron H. Find me up there...

Void

Never mind the title.

Last saturday, 4 of us reunited: Me, Zila, Zarin and Ann but we're missing on Teejay and Baiti. We did what we're best at in Melb: shopping till the shop closed. oh yes, we did! it was Ann's idea as she was the last to join the spree. In between the fitting room and paying the bills, we had good ol Nando's and fill each other in with the going of life. it feels ok to spill it out to non-condescending friends. At the end of the day, everyone went home in satisfaction over their purchase...i sure did! ehehe..for the fun of it..

Metro Pink

Analog Black Dial

We also bumped into someone searching for the ring..aawww, dont u lookk radiantly happy honey? (with ur shocking pink flip flop that will never ever match ur baju kurunggg) ;)and yeay, I'm now a member of MPH's readers circle..

Moving along to Tuesday nite.

FUN is definitely an understatement.

Farina, Peon, Liyana, Faatin (and her sister) is the most sporting bunch i'm glad to be with. We sure let ourselves loose and lived the room alive with the ultimate rempit-lagi-rock-kapak's songs. I wish Zila's there to join the craziness... good spread of food and yes, i agree Farina...that waiter is cute..ahah! and ohh, Fatin has proof of how much fun we had last night but i wouldn't dare to expose it to the public. it spells disaster,hahahha..but i'd like to have a look at it though..

It makes me feel better to see the familiar faces.

Friends from heaven.

Shout Out!

WElloooowwww people!

It wouldnt be fair to cram in my fab girls' day out in this short entry so i'll save it for nx time...but as for now

Tuesday.

Redbox, Sogo.

830pm.

See you tonight!

Wonderful Days..

*dancing dancing*

Yay! today's my first of 9 days of holiday. BLISS !

Started off with meeting up with my HERBALIFE partner, followed with mangosteen feast at the frontyard and i just finished cooking lunch...ohh yes, my first after 4 month (ehemmm, i sure cook one laa when i get married...this, speaking of single life;p) and tonight i'll be off to KL for a few days...

I texted my darling KAMI's to know whether they're free tomorrow (too bad, my SIL had replacement class,eheh) and i got a quick call from Ann saying she wished to meet me, and Zila texted me later for shopping spree at MV..voila, i'm super-duper-over-the-roof excited for this meet up tomorrow so i decided to include Syims. sounds like a plan!! *cheer*

I tentatively plan for karaoke on Tuesday night. Ok tak, girls? i know Syu's curious to know the date so i'm stating it here....the tagline would be " Come laaa....join the party!! Now, who's genius to guess which movie i cilok this dialogue...ehehehe;p hopefully we'd be able to execute this..Liyana, ur coming to this one right? or u wanna have a different lunch date to treat me? maybe on the day itself *winky*

Insya Allah for the next weekend, i'm half-sponsoring our family getaway to Camer0n H1ghland..

Ahhh, it feels totally great. finally, i feel like a carefree 20-something year old girl again..

*doing jumpstar*

p/s: i need some guidance of which bank that offers the best credit card package (and easy-quick registration?) anyone anyone?

Teeeny weeny...

If i am to be honest at this moment, i am thinking of quitting my job. Anyone disagree?

Hiks, i passed my exit assessment for medical rotation. it's been 4 months...25th is my favourite day;)

Actually, it's not so much about being extended that scares me cos medicine is an enriching and interesting field, but the thought of going to lunch work without my favourite frens is demotivating..personally, i think i've gained so much knowledge but procedure-wise, i am not that great...huhuhu

Umi's been a petite person with a big heart from the day i entered the chaotic department and took care of me while i went thru the i-am-not-for-this-job-i-wanna-quit period. God-sent angel, she's been to me. We do plan to live next to each other after this and drive our husband crazy with our antiques...haha, we had so much stupid jokes shared and that's one of them..

I got closer to Nadrah once we teamed up in Bendahara @ haunted ward with so many patients and so many deaths...hahaha, but it's really fun to have her as partner as she's the composed one and our target would always be the same everyday: go have lunch at 1pm sharp and finished our work by 5pm...lalalala..then of course we extend our colleague-ship to eating partner...favourite social activity after work..

Am's been funny and wanky teaser, oklahh..helpful too *rolled eyes* one day he caught me taking my portion for lunch and went
"huh, makan banyak..badan sekeping je.."
and that's been an issue for him ever since..hahaha. we shared gossips and at times, i gotta bully him..ok, he bullied me as well :p

Kak suzie's my sifooo...i gotta say i was sooo scared of her in my earlier days until we got to know each other well and manage to work as a team. its heart-warming to hear her saying out loud that i was her favourite houseman...hahah, even if she loved to tease me for my Oz pronounciation, i still heart her for what she'd taught and nagged at me...again, gossip partner we are now..

See, it's not soo much of the workload but with whom we work with and shared our working life.

Now that's the end of medicine...it's time for surgery. Next.

Searching....

Tadaaaa, i feel refreshed.

Yeay, i've bought the tics to go to KL next Friday for quite some days. hopefully this time, i could spare some time to meet up with my girls. I know Redb0x would be a great idea for my high school fellow but that would need weekdays...and i'll make sure no more sore throat this time;)

On top of that, i'm dying to meet my Bantingites and Monash clan though i know there'll be busy in the hospital. it's gonna be happy moments to simply sit down and engaged in a long conversation with these precious people...how should i do it eh?

Me: Nur pergi jumaat malam..sabtu kaksya ada kelas ganti kan?

Kaksya: haah...

Me: ohh takpelah, Nur boleh keluar dgn kawan kawan..

Kaksya: ehhh, jangan janji lagi..

Me: hahahahha, macam manalahh Nur nak ada boyfren kalu ada sis-in-law yang terlalu suka kat i..

Kaksya: eeeee, perasannye..

Me: LOL

that was funny..

and alsooooooooooooo,

it would be even more exciting if one or two of my girls could take a leave on Monday or Tuesday to be my shopping partner...*battling eyelashes* i think i've made up my mind of which handphone to settle with...i hope the white one would look nice. also, good books good books.

come Friday, quick!

Incoherent

Last night i dreamt of Redb0x, so i texted miss F. hehehe, let's just hope it's a plan for the last week of this month...

Reality checked; i'm just another readily available bus stop that can be visited at one's own convenient. i feel so low and mad at myself, i made up my mind. i'm not coping up with the other flamboyant bus stops' and i dont like to be treated like one. it's confusing.

My fellow friends, i'm having VIVA assessment next week upon finishing medical rotation. please pray that i'll do well for this so that i could proceed to another rotation....aminnn

I'm grateful that wherever i go, i've been blessed with a bunch of great truest friends to rely on. from SSPians to Bantingites to Monash clan and now, HKB...there're these people who will laugh with me, thought of me and creates wonderful journey despites major obstacles along the way. Alhamdulillah..

Ahaa, i'm planning to buy a few good books to feed my mind. Any suggestion, friends?

I received endless wedding invitation from my thoughtful frens. i'm dying to attend all of them but time and distance doesnt permit =( whenever i looked at the pics of small reunion of my frens during the celebration, my heart sank. i would love to be in the crowd. sad=(

There goes...

I've been tagged by Niesa to write about 7 facts about me, so what about....

1. I LOVE my darling girlfrens very much.

2. I HATE sweet talker.

3. I LOVE watermelon.

4. I HATE on calls.

5. I LOVE playing team sports.

6. I HATE to be a favourite past time.

7. I LOVE Melbourne.

i guess that's all for now. I'm hiding here

Welcome to my world

I was lying on my bed waiting for the exhaustion to go away, as i flicked thru Variety and came across this...



Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

It's hard...

when there're things i could not write it down here...

It's really really hard...

My Darling...

We were waiting for my brother outside the mall, me leaning againts the handphone billboard

Me: abang, abang..cantik tak nih? (pointing to a beautiful model on the advert)

Him: tak cantik...cik nur cantik!!

Me & his mum: *bewildered*

Him: adik adik...tak cantik kan yang nih ( pointing to the advert again..) cik nur cantik kan?

No, i totally didnt see it coming but that was really2 sweet of him.hehe..

If that wasnt enough, hear this out...

We were playing around in the room..lying on the small bed together with my sis in law when suddenly he turned to me and hugged

"saya love you...'

It caught me off guard...

his mum: APEEE?? abang tak pernah pun cakap kat mama macam tuh..mama je ckp kat abg ..ini first time abg pegi cakap kat cik nur *mocking a mad face*

teeeeheeee=D

And whenever we go shopping together, he would always pick a shoe for me to try and goes

"cantiknnyyeeeeeee...'

Thanks for letting me down.

I'm done.

Spectrum...

As i started to work through the night, it struck my heart to see parents of HIV patients sleeping on the floor beralaskan papers or small mat while taking care of their dying son. Their flesh and blood who might never try to re-pay their sacrifices all the while, let alone to become a good citizent. These people whom we detest and look at in disgust for what they've done to destroy their own life-and yet unconditional love never dies. These mother or father have my biggest respect.

And today,


An old man from the old folks house, having no children. struggling to take ablution and perform his prayers (shame on some of us who take this obligation for granted!), ate the hospital meal in hunger. It crushed my heart, this one. I wish i could do more than what i've done to help him. I wish real hard.

*cry*

Happiness

So?

I know it's gonna sound soooo funny if i say that i am enjoying me work at the moments..not exactly funny as in funny, but there's no better vocab i could think of to describe ( that reminds me to read more...)

to reflect back how much tears i poured and resentment i felt towards this job, it's a relief to everyone that i could be at this phase where there's no longer meek long-faced sad-looking girl but the bubbly and let's get-going one. one or two frens still teased me over how miserable i was in month 1 and two, expressing their suprise how much i've changed. hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping gets going!

No lah..

It's not all rosy in this medical dept..i'm still one of the least knowledgeable and skillfull first-poster housemen..i still got weak-kneed whenever patient collapse or when lesson learnt the hard way but i've been able to move on past them...it haunted for fear of getting through mortality audit but what else could i do as i dwell?

Small things?

Like these one maybe..

-My team has been putting up this target every morning to work fast and aim to go home as the clock strikes five. it sounded a bit ambitious for some days, isn't it but that's what keep us going for the day? To have someone to rely on and work hand in hand makes a huge difference for this kind of job.

-To be acknowledged for a quick (and sometimes re-correct the) management of the patients..it totally sucks when i first started and nothing in my management includes drugs treatment but now, at least i've got a fair bit.

-Working in public hospital means doing hands-on experiences. It scared me shit but after a while, hey this could be fun! provided i got good supervision and back-up team..heheh

-Also working in Malaysia means text book cases. A LOT! while i could be struggling and regretting myself for not studying hard before, it's high time to revise and managing the cases themselves makes it a lot more easier to learn. what a life-long!

-I still slept from 8-6 at times (wake up only for isyak) but other than that, i've got a good bunch of colleague to hang out and enjoy good dinner prior.

I'm going to KL for a very very short escape. I'm on call on thursday, my flight's on friday noon..coming back on saturday night and on call again on sunday..i'm willing for this arrangement cos it's all up to me to do my little shopping find my little happiness.. so if u happen to be in shah alam on friday night, why not give me a buzz?

Things in my list so far

-find a comfy loafer as my legs' been aching eversince i started working..
-handphone as a gift to self? havent decide on which one yet.
-i need to find a replacement to my laptop as this one will be passed down to my sister. i still havent decide on which one either.

truly fickle-minded.

Looking forward to be in KL..

yeay!

Heart-melting!

One
Mama: abang, dalam keluarga kita ada siapa?
Him: papa, mama, abang, adik, ciknur...
Mama: heh, ciknur tuh bukan keluarga kita..dia keluarga kembangan kita...
Him: ciknur keluarga kita.
(he still disagree..)
Him: *sad face* mama, perut abang penuh dgn air..dah nak bocor nih..(eyes welled up. cue that he's about to cry)

Two
Him: mama, abang nak balik kampung. nak tidur dgn ciknur..

(did i tell you he's the one to open my car door after work and excitedly drag me to play with him during previous school holiday)

Three
He wanted to talk to me two days in a row. on the second day's phone call

Him: cik nur......datang sini, datang sini, datang sini, datang sini (repeatedly..)

prior to the phone call, his mother picked him up from kindergarten and he went..

'Mana ciknur?'

ahhh, my darling 5 year old baby. here i come next weekend!

It's time..

to say

'whatever...just do it..'

sorry yeah, for the long hiatus. i've lost track who read and who doesn't anymore...one or two popped up after a long silence, i welcomed.heheh..

i guess (and really hope) i've reached the point of treshold and the journey after this would be bearable and smoother. finger-crossed. i know i was all low for the past 2 month but i'm not a quitter. at times, i do get moments of self-satisfaction and appreciation from others but i might've overlooked them.

there're a lot of humbling experiences that put me in silence for a while and reminded me of how grateful i should be.

but deep inside i know part of this turning point came from a casual talk i had with a senior colleague where i took his words as a challenge. i hope i'll win it and prove him wrong. oh, i know he meant well and wanted me to try a little harder.

ok, let's talk about something more fun. i've got my first pay 2 weeks ago worth of 2 months (and from the extra figure, i think they've miscalculated,hahaha ) and i seriously dont know how to spend the money here it's time to celebrate with the darlings...so u've got to wait till i'm in town for some lunch or dinner, ok? one or two will get the priviledge to pick one item and let me pay for it..who? mestilah secret;)

truth is,

-i wish to go to KL and splurge my money pamper myself. i wanna go shopping...i wanna go karaoke-ing, i wanna go movie-watching..i wanna do everything fun under the sun..

-i wish to buy myself something from the first pay but i'm not sure which one should come first. phone vs laptop vs watch..neither is necessity though. out of the thought that i shuld present myself wif something i hardly earned..blood and tears. on a crazy note, beli tiga2 boley?

-i wish to buy a stackful of good books and indulge in them, literally.

-i wish to have someone whom i could call at odd hours and sought comfort. better still, who would (instinctively) call me up and ensure me that i'll be ok..who are willing to go extra miles for me ( i know i'd do the same..)confession made, who will share the same feeling and brings out the best in me...

to those who've been answering my calls and replying my sms for the past 2 months, i heart you all!

Will i be?

I could be write about reasons why i thought of what i wrote in my previous entry..but i choose not to..maybe not now..maybe not ever..

i've become a crying baby clinging daughter to my mum since i started working so when they're (parents) leaving for 2 weeks to perform umrah very, very soon..

i dare not to imagine how's life gonna be.

tell me that i'm doing fine.

tell me that i'll be fine.

Speaking of coincidence and mumbo-jumbo...

I actually posted an entry a while ago but decided to get rid of it..something better left unwritten..it's nothing, anyway..

On a different note,

If i am to be honest at this moment, i am thinking of quitting my job. Anyone disagree?

Drops....

I found this here

I'm only grateful to have Allah.

That makes me believe in hikmah behind every struggle,

That sometimes redha is the only way out,

That it's only the matter of time before fate prevail itself,

That only me and HIM actually suffice.

Short break..

Even just for one night,

I'm going to KL this friday.

Yeay!

Emotion

As my aunt texted me a while ago

' Crying is a form of release so go ahead...'

I succumb to, silently.

Perks

#My 30-40 mins speed drive time to go back and fro work.. solitude and regain self.

#The MO whom i was once very anxious of is now my comfort in the ward.

#When i got to finish work by 530pm.

#When on call still allowed me some good sleep.

#When time flew fast and i forget.

#When i learnt something from each case.

#SMS and calls from the darlings.

# Pray hard to attend Zarin's wedding this coming May. I so wanna spend some time in town and do some shopping..well, kalu gaji dah masuk bolehla belanja kalian;)

Don't be afraid. You needn't slay the beast nor scale the entire mountain. That's not how it's done. You only need to move through today,..... Think of the distance you've already covered. Focus on your strengths. Let each new step remind you of your freedom. Let every breath you take remind you of your power. Seek out friends and guides; they're anxious to help. You're not alone. You're understood. This road has been walked before. Dance life's dance, just a few steps at a time, and in the wink of an eye you will wonder to yourself, "What beast, what mountain? Was I having a dream?"

~A Note~

I'm confused

Scene 1

Student nurse: doktor, doktor orang mane ye?

Me: aaa? Orang sini laa..

Student nurse: oohhhh ye ke?? cakap tak macam org kelantan pun...

Me: ohhh ek? (hoh! penat2 jeee aku cakap kelantan selama nih...)

Scene 2

After a few exchange of polite gestures everytime i attended his mum,

Visitor: rasa macam pernah jumpa doktor sebelum nih..?

Me: *blank* aaaa?? tak tahu...*shrug* (ahhh, sudahh..)

Visitor: haah...macam pernah nampak before nih..tp tak sure kat mana...tp yg pasti satu tempat la..kat UTP

Me: aaa? ( aku nih UTP pun tak pernah jejak =p) tak tahu *sengih blur*

i'm sure it was not a pick-up line but honestly, i could not recognise..so i simply continued attending to the next patient.

A Note

Happiness, dear......, is what greases the wheels of life. It's also what opens the floodgates, marshals the forces, commands the elements, raises the sun, aligns the stars, beats your heart, heals what hurts, turns the page, makes new friends, finds true love, calls the shots, waves the wand, connects the dots, feeds your mind, frees your soul, rocks the world, and pays compound interest.

Yeah, so easy to forget.

Wild on,
The Universe

Simple life

As promised, i'm here again.

What'd you like to know?

=)

Alhamdulillah, i'm coping well with my job. currently doing medical rotation, well-known for its' stressful workload and demanding commitment.

I have a lot of reason not to feel miserable though

-I am actually prepared for something worse than this, based on what i heard from others actually.

-Although i was jittery and foresaw bleak moments before starting, i remembered when i was about to do absailing and said to myself 'Just Do It!' before leaning back on the rope a few feets away from the ground.

-My break between graduation and work was well spent so i have no complaint of not having enough holiday and such. Family and friends, my treasured gifts.

- There were humble patients that soften my hearts and supportive easy-going colleagues that make the routine a bearable one.

-I do learn a lot to which i have to keep on doing.

No,

It's not that i did not cry out of despair for being bullied.

It's not that i never question myself why not other job, once.

It's not that i know most of the things and never feel hopeless.

It's not that i'm ignorant of the politics and hierarchy.

It's not that i always leave for home on time.

But i choose to ignore those things and take some time to feel happy with little things. Also, i choose to start a new day every day. Most importantly, i choose to fulfill my job Lillahita'ala and not for anyone else. I tried my best everyday and that suffices.

Doesnt life works that way?

We'll never get everything we want in life but it's our choice to dwell or to move forward. I had my share of earlier so i know how deep it will bring us down.

The only thing that keeps me on the ground is my faith in Allah as only He who will always be there for me and i have seen it happened before my eyes for so many times.

Alhamdulillah.

Sweet sorrow...

i also didnt see this coming but i decided to give tis space a rest..i could not point out to a single reason why, but i hope i would make it here again...

as i am flawed, i seek for forgiveness if i hurt anyone's feeling or ego thru my words...

i hope we could still keep in touch. i'll be an sms/phonecall/email away...

darling honey, pls keep me updated (and excited) about OTH...i owe u that one!

Kenapa aku diuji?
“Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan ; “Kami terlah beriman,” sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yg sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yg benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yg dusta.” -Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3.

Kenapa aku tak dapat apa yang aku idam-idamkan?
“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.” -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216.

Kenapa ujian seberat ini?
“Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya.” -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286.

Kenapa rasa kecewa?
“Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman.” Surah Al-Imran ayat 139.

Bagaimana harus aku menghadapinya?
“Wahai orang-orang yg beriman! Bersabarlah kamu (menghadapi kesukaran dalam mengerjakan perkara-perkara yg berkebajikan), dan kuatkanlah kesabaran kamu lebih drpd kesabaran musuh (di medan perjuangan), dan bersedialah (dengan kekuatan pertahan di daerah-daerah sempadan) seta bertaqwalah kamu kepada Allah supaya kamu berjaya (mencapai kemenangan).” -Surah Al-Imran ayat 200.

“Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada org-org yg khusyuk.” -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45.

Apa yg aku dapat dari semua ini?
“Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli drpd org-org Mukmin, diri, harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga utk mereka..” -Surah At-Taubah ayat 111.

Kepada siapa aku berharap?
“Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain drpd-Nya. Hanya kepada-Nya aku bertawakkal.” Surah At-Taubah ayat 129.

Aku dah tak dapat bertahan lagi!
“…dan janganlah kamu berputus asa drpd rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa drpd rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yg kafir.” Surah Yusuf ayat 12.

;)

Yuhuuuuu!!

Firstly, my apology for the bad choice of words in the previous entry...

It's been good here. first day, dah kantoi dengan urusetia dalam lif...hahahah!

So i'll cya when i cya...don't miss me;)

Choice?

I woke up to THIS

Orang kita tak belajar daripada sejarah.

Inilah padahnya!


On a personal note, i got this

Take only what you need today -- discard the extra. It's better if you travel light.

Deep lah. okeh, will do!

Time's up!

Letter for the induction+BTN finally made its way....

13th till 31st- 2 weeks of induction @ Allson Klana, Seremban & 5 days of BTN @ they-have-not-decide-yet=p.

i was told that we wont get weekend off during the prog. ngok ngek betul! tapi harap2 cuti maulidur rasul dapatla escape for a while...hahahaha

the only thing i'm looking forward to would be time to spend with the girls...more bickerings and private jokes;)

miss hani_izhar, jom jumpe!

Heh!

Orang kita tak ubah macam Pak Kaduk.

Bersorak sebab ayam sabung menang tapi kampung tergadai.

EDITED: Read HERE

Expression

'Takpelah yatt..kita harap dapat mane yang terbaik...tapi kalu ko dapat KL sama mcm kitorang mmg best gila aaa..'

i gotta smile hearing that. i wish, i long and i'd love to, darlings. have lotsa reason to work my way there but only a wish for me to stay here and if it's not for that expressed hope, my preferences list in the form would've been different. perfectly honest, my life is different in both places. while i could have SIL jokingly complaint about the endless outing's and plans with frens from dawn to dusk if i'm in town, i am only a simple homely type of girl with no frens here. quite a contrast, hey? i prefer to not explain the reason why i didnt put it the other way round but rather believe, it's for the best. for now, at least;)

'Yatt, i rasa u need to learn to accept imperfection in other people..'

Wisdom. I was relieved to hear someone verbalised it out while i was contemplating. It's not that i havent heard of it but for some different reason, i choose to put up much higher expectation. That's the beauty of my frens. They corrected me and i love them for doing so. If it's not for those affirmation, maybe i'll just continue to ignore.

'Dalam hidup nih, kita ada banyak pilihan...'

I agree.. as simple as either we choose to drown ourselves in misery and claim to suffer from depression OR we could believe in blessings in disguise and continue on living...I tend to do both. I let myself loose when the pain is still raw. next, i very selectively express it out to a handful whom i do not expect solution but never fail to offer comfort. slowly, when i'm ready to give life another go, i pick myself up and usually nothing holds me down. it's always bittersweet, apparently.

'People change..'

Dont u think so? for that reason, we have no right to condemn another because it might gets back to us. on the same basis, we dont have to idolise because we might cringe in disbelief later. i've seen and suprised myself with a lot of examples on this matter and slowly trying to focus on the goodness in another more than anything else. it works for the peace of mind=D

'Nahh, that's law of attraction...!'

Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum melainkan kaum itu berusaha mengubahnya. usaha dulu sebelum bertawakal. based on this, i focus my thoughts, energy and time on the good things i want to happen in my life. i wanna start my effort from the mind not by action...ppl always said 'kata-kata itu kan doa..' so i guess our thoughts are also part of the prayers. even if it has not happen yet, we always feel good whenever we think of our wishes and dream in life rite? past experience and observation inevitably will make us feel a bit wary but don't hesitate to plan something good for ourselves. i believe that Allah Maha Mendengar & Maha Mengetahui. If what we try to attract do not happen, it's HIM who are making sure that we get the best in life. Insya Allahh..

No ?

hehehe.

I no longer watch sad movies/drama/documentary. i remembered the (first and) last time i watched Bersamamu@ TV3, i was in tears (tapi cover coverla tanak kasi org tgk=D). from then on, i decided to deliberately avoiding it by closing my eyes or turning my head whenever the preview's on air. not that i'm heartless or could not care less about those unfortunate ppl, it's just tooo heart-wrenching for me=( the same thing goes to P Ram!ee's as discussed with the girls @Perhentian. i did watched his legendary Ibu Mer+uaku but couldnt remember much because the last time was some time ago. now, i dont mind watching his Bujang Lapuk's and the likes over and over again but when it comes to drama air mata, next channel please..

hehehe.

I no longer watch horror movie, the last time was probably IT re-run a while back @ Evelyn. While in the past, i could be the one suggesting 2 hours worth of scary-creepy-eerie feeling, now i backed off voluntarily. No, i havent been in that situation real life (and please, GOD forbid!) but i have this high imagination afterwards that saw me refusing to go downstairs unaccompanied or restlessly checking out the bathroom. Now that i'm preparing myself to work day and night in the hospital, ada yang tak pergi check patient in the other building kang.hahaha. lagipun, ape bestnya tgk cerita hantu selain sakit tekak sebab byk menjerit dan sakit dada sebab dubdabdubdab?

hehehe.

I dont like Harian Me+ro for what's inside it. lotsa weird-negative-mind-blowing stories that nauseated me. seriously, i dont see any point for me to read all those.get exposed? get real!

hehehe.

I dont eat my fave part of the meal first because i love to finish off with my tastebud with something i enjoyed most. tp i cant do the same with ulam, nanti jadi kambing la pulak kalu munch it alone without rice.

;)

Cuti Cuti Malaysia

The island trip started from a small talk @ Evelyn while discussing about our get-together about 3 months ago. Who would've thought, it actually took place;)

Day 1:

6 girls met up at the airport originally from 4 different states. Did some catch up and gossip session while waiting and boarding the private flight F!refly. Touched down at KB airport; headed straight away to Kuala Besut Jetty. hehe, the election fiesta was quite a scene along the road. Arrived just in time and yes, it's the speed boat! totally unexpected. unlike Langkawi and Tioman who transported using ferry, the ride was exhilarating.. serious rasa cam polis marin with all the bumpy waves and sharp turns ..syiokkk! the student (ehem!) package entitled us for 2 snorkelling trip. We planned to change it to kayak but as the paddles weren't available, we rushed to change into our main air attire after hearty lunch. i was a bit wary of seasickness based on last time's experience @ Tioman but all went well with 3 different coral spots.horay, thanks to the swimming lesson i took 4 years ago i had the chance to jump into deep sea(with lifejacket of course, are u kidding!?) to look out for tortoise. new great experience! personally, i'd prefer corals at Tioman but the speed boat ride throughout the trip was just my thing...we didnt plan to stop at 5pm. big swimming pool was ours after that. i was so glad we came during off-peak season, so much for privacy;) after dinner, we dashed to the karaoke room and pity me, bad sore throat saw me holding the mic at a distance..but i so enjoy other girls' singing that came all the way from rock kapak to mellow tangkap leleh punye lagu.

Day 2:

Another snorkelling trip in the morning which we stopped by at Perhentian Kecil on our way back. Took our own sweet time to enjoy our lunch and after that, lazed by the beach. Enjoyed small chat, monopoly games, sing along. Mind you, conversation didnt revolved around nice and sweet words but rather pangkah memangkah each other. hahaha, thats our group dynamic! looked forward to Bi-Bi-Que at night but it wasnt as what we expected it to be. Pretty stuffed, still!

Day 3:

Up and about to go home. Upon seeing the sea and weather, we sensed something might not be right. true enough, the resort officer came and told us that we might need to enjoy their complimentary accomodation for a night with breakfast. strong wind, high rised water level, rowing fisherman boats looking for protection. totally not our ideal vacation picture but all agreed on the the blessings in disguise. we learnt a lot on that day about life offshore, hospitality, fairytale and drama conflict in life. in fact, i kinda enjoyed the mystery of that day. nway, who would say no to the next round (and sponsored) of karaoke that night. hihihi!

Day 4:

Everyone's anxious about the weather but it turned out to be our last day there. Saddened to leave the place and people, i must say. Special thanks to helpful En Najib, bubbly Waheeda, supercool Tam, accomodating Kak Rose, unpredictable Kak Anne and the rest of the Arwana Crew. u rocks! hehehe...urgh, i hate the journey back with ferry. i want my speed boat! When everyone's back on mainland, memories turned out to be a bit surreal but glad all were safe. The girls managed to do some shopping at KB before boarding their evening flight. In an attempt to speak local dialect for a cheaper price, she cracked me up..

..'mokcik, ade kaler HIJO tak?'

OMG, that was it. ROTFL!

Love Actually

On their way back from pre-school.

Syahman: papa kahwinn dengan mama...

Mama: haaa, yelah. papa kahwin dengan mama pastu dapat abang, adik umar dengan ibrahim. abang nak kahwin ke?

Syahman: nakkkk...

Mama: abang nak kahwin dengan siapa?

Syahman: dengan ciknur (that's me, everyone!)..

Awwwwww, sweet!

Acceptance

By now, i realised there's only one way out to the sorrow that is to accept the imperfection.

The pain is too deep to dig, thus i find it really2 hard to talk about it what's more to face it up.

I find it more comfortable to let the tears flow.

Thus i'm asking a big favour from each of u. cheer me up in any possible way.

I, on the other hand will continue writing on the happy side of my life.

Bleak

I was too devastated and furious. really want to scream it out, but succumb to silent cry when i was all by myself.

It was beyond common sense, then or now. at times i feel like giving it all up and live without.

How could people be so selfish & heartless?

At first i tried to contain the turmoil but when it became unbearable, i looked for comfort here and it's God's will, awaited an angel with soothing words.

I was also comforted by the thought that this life is only temporary. when i reminded myself that way, the pain became less significant.

Life is short, hence

16th to 20th: Sarawak

21st to 25th: KL ( wanna watch Buli & Dunia Baru The Movie, anyone?)

26th to 28th: Perhentian Island.

Hi there.

Hope you will find a good job that suits ur preference and in return, provide you with great self-satisfaction for the future. As what you've told me in the past, be positive!

I also meant to give this to you




Mafhumnya:

Barangsiapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan lepaskan ia dari masalah hidup Dan diberikannya rezeki dari sumber yang tidak diduga. Dan barangsiapa yang bertawakkal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkan keperluannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan ( yang dikehendaki ) Nya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu.

Recite this three times after each prayer. Insya Allah, these words with beautiful meaning will be a good doa for you.

'Nasi lemak & Three' story

I met up with 3 different person at 3 different location in KLCC within the 4 and a half hour. Glad that i gotta finish up all the different tasks and Peon, thanks for the lunch treat. Nasi lemak @ Madam Kwan sgt sedappppp..We'll keep in touch! =)

The next day i got my 2nd dose of hearty nasi lemak, this time at Kayu Manis...only that afterwards i slept for 3 hours from 12 till 3 pm.

I was in KL for only 3 days.

SO?

So i went for a holiday with my sister's family to Langkawi

So i went to Ipoh to spend time with my aunt. Go and watch Game Plan, you'll enjoy it.

So my Little Ivory arrived while i was away.

So a friend mocked me, told him off!

So she turned to me and said

'..are you sure you became this size because of Herbalife, and not the broken hearted..? ...and with all this (emotional) baggage, you could still pass (your studies)?..'

So i smiled and said

'.....when i realised how insignificant i am...'

DEEP THOUGHT

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

GRATITUDE to be

Because i dont want to live in low mood ( it makes me tearful and does not suit the theme of this space), i came up with this

1. I want to be active (again) in sports. i want to start on basketball (and netball) to polish up the rusty skills. i want to buy a basketball and find a court, who knows there'll be someone who'll join me up soon. i want to go for a good swim. i want to have this for some indoor aerobic exercise in case i dont feel safe to go out



2. I want to start working in March so that i could have ample time to settle down, read up my medical books and travel around beforehand. I should be able to adapt to the new environment whenever i end up going and find more meaning in life.

3. I want to go to Sarawak, and am going with my parents this february. i want it to be enriching, mind-relaxing and give me good taste of other people's tradition and thriving. No shopping plan as yet.

4. I want to meet my Banting girls. peah (sadly in UK), hani (both izhar & salim ;p), aneesa, arnee, onie and rose (sadly in Ireland); the most. i want to sit down and (laughingly) talk with them. i dont mind to make a short trip to KL when these people are having a short break from their HO routines. I want to feel good and enjoy their company.

5. I want to mandi sungai & go for a karaoke with my SSP girls. It's been a while since we do that and i'm looking forward to the next one. i know time and TRANSPORTATION would (always) be an issue for me since my brother moved to Bkt Jelut0ng but we'll see what we can do about it. oohh, i miss g0mbak where i could easily hop on the bus to the nearest public transport=(

6. I want to spend some days with M0nash girls before we start working. At first we came up with a trip down here to Kelantan and then Redang Island but monsoon season did not allow us. Now somebody came up with Bali and another one with Sabah. Personally, it doesnt matter to me where we end up as long as the 6 of us are there even it means just a nearby resort.

7. I want to have these

W580i

VAIO TZ26GN

(or)

Macbook

Cybershot T2

8. I want to spread HERBALIFE around. A lot more people need to know that diet has always been the culprit to the big dieases: heart problem, diabetes, high blood pressure. Only by providing complete nutrition to your cells that your body will be able to function better, get rid of the toxins and feel healthy.

9. I want to be treated with respect and appreciated for what i'm worth. i want to stay close to those who care for me.

10. I want to go back to Melbourne ( partly to do some shopping) after one year working, at least. i want to go to the places familiar to me and find a peace of mind.

11. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

help me.

i admit.

i am not being a good person lately.

i feel really bad.

i lost my temper, i lost my respect, i cursed silently, i became exasperated, i got tired of pleasing and succumbing to other people, i became restless of what i've lost, i treated bad, i became rude, i started to despair, i became all cranky and moody to the people i love and appreciate most in this world, i stop conversing afraid to say something wrong.

i dont want people to hurt me. i dont want people to instruct and dictate me as they like. i just need my space and say.

it's too much=(

why cant I WANT people see goodness in other people? why cant I WANT people take up more responsible and treat other people like a human being?

i'm afraid i am doing more sin than good deed.

bestowed upon me patience and guidance, ya Allah.

The Gratitude List

Don't worry.

I will not dwell too much on the mishaps and uncertainties. Let's do the list instead.

1. Aidiladha was the usual stuff, plus my uncle's wedding. The best part of this event was actually when three big families got together in my house. All this while, i've been saying that i got all nephews but no niece...until i thought of this girl..



this bubbly girl is my cousin's daughter so practically is my niece. we clicked and got along really well, especially when it comes to lipstick and eyeshadow!! heheh..i sooo love to to entertain (and hug) her while she on the other hand, always tails me along...

2. I'm excited to introduce HERBALIFE to a lot more people. It feels really great to be able to help and make a difference in people's life (and self-esteem). My top three's would be..

-My little sister who managed to shed 14kg in about 6-7 months and her former (evil guys) schoolmates could no longer tease and downgrade her!

-A breastfeeding mother who shed and could fit into her pre-pregnancy clothes, have more and pekat breastmilk and noticed that her son's eczema has improved a lot.

-Myself (ahemmmm;)) who managed to maintain the 8kg and 20 cm lost off my body; while at the same time have much less migraine and gastritis.

I read what i once wrote in here

I want to advocate healthy nutrition and positive esteem through HERBALIFE along the way. I will prove to a lot of people that they're as worthy and able to make a change in their life. I want to make them proud of their achievement and further appreciate the gift of health.

3. I'm very glad to find THE colour on this , so it became my birthday-graduation treat. Thanks Syu for accompanying me to bargain it. heheh. You and Carl's Junior rocks! ;)



4. I'm thankful that i could turn up at sugar's engagement and meet up with SSP girls. i so love the group picture..



5. I'm happy that we (monash girls) got to execute our plan to celebrate new year together, as our last crazy moments before we submit ourselves to work (not too) soon. Everything was spontaneous; from the Times Square to Bukit Bintang to Pavillion to KLCC to KL Sentral. 180 degree of fireworks was THE moment for me. Each had its special (and funny, not to mention yucky) experience to us. I just gotta laugh when i thought about the un-manly shriek and sigh at the immigrants' sight. Nevertheless, i am glad we got to spend time together, like the good days.

6. I'm joyful to spend time with the 3 little heroes. Syahman never failed to humour and be adored by me, Umar has got everything i used to be when i was smaller (that is to throw tantrum until i got what i want =D now i dont throw tantrum but i sulk,hehehe...) endorsed by my very own brother (ppbbhhtt!) and little Ibrahim is just angelic.

7. I'm grateful that despite the growing number every year, i never feels older than 22. tak tipu! it was rather quiet but thoughtful day for me and National Treasure 2 has got both humour and adrenaline-rush to celebrate it.

8. I'm relieved to receive the offer letter immediately after the interview with SPA (so does other people). It's convenient to go to Putrajaya together with the other m0nash girls as we kept each other occupied during the waiting. Now, it's just to wait for the posting letter (which i hope will not arrived in too early!!)

9. I'm very very grateful to realise (during the spring cleaning of my cupboard and room) that i've lived a good life, based on the pictures, yearbooks, presents and words of thoughts from friends and families from the age of 12 (that was when i started in SSP and exchanged letters with my brother oversea) until now..Everything looked (and was) perfect at that time, i was a very much happier and contented person. Allah has blessed me with priceless frienship at my different stage of life, some i had trouble to keep in touch but remains close in my heart and some who never fails to be there for me. Life has done me good in the past.

10. Very very soon, i will receive this

Wordplay?

Considering how low i've been feeling for the past 2 weeks due to a lot of unsettled stuff and ongoing issues related to my to-do lists, finding the words below is kinda good...

The Bottom Line

You can't hit a home run every time at bat. Stop holding impossible standards.

In Detail

Perfection is simply not possible -- not for anyone. Keep chanting this to yourself when you feel like you're not doing a perfect job, and remind yourself that all is required of you is that you do your best. No more. You cannot hit a home run every time at bat, so why are you holding yourself to impossible standards? If you are down right now, that doesn't mean you have to stay down. Your successes are not based on luck -- they are based on your abilities. You are able.

it makes me feel a lot better..

but...

but reading this the day before

How about I share a little secret with you, Nuryati, in exchange for an even wider smile than you're now wearing??

OK? Deal! Here goes... There's someone in the world today, right now in time and space, who you've yet to even meet, who will, before long, fall very, very in love with you.

You decide what kind of love -
The Universe

rasa kelakar, boleh tak?

In less than 3 weeks

At first, i thought i should just ignore all the frustration and angst until it explodes again yesterday when i chatted with one of my guardian angels, i spilled half of everything to her. So i guess i still need to let these weariness out of my system, for once. It's unbelievable that i've just been here for more than 3 weeks. it does feels more than that.

1. In regard to the outburst last time, i would like to relate to this report

I used JETTA EXPRESS to ship my personal belongings from Australia to Malaysia. I have paid for all the expenses (MEL-KB) and was instructed by the company to contact MAS CARGO at Kota Bharu.

However on the day itself, i was asked to go through the MAS CARGO agent before i could pick up my baggage and 'forced' to pay up to RM270 for an ambiguous bill. My other friend only paid RM44 for the custom clearance without using the agent in KLIA. I was told that MAS CARGO agent in Kedah also charged up to RM100 for the made-up fees.

I will bring this matter to the authority if nothing's being done to this corruption.

Best regards

In addition: MAS cargo acted 'lepas tangan' when i contacted them back, the clerk and managing director of the agent were very rude, arrogant and have poor customer service when i tried to rationale things right with them; clearly there's big discrepancy for the amount i've got to pay (and they have the nerve to hold on to my bag if i refused to pay); they claimed that i was already been given 25% DISCOUNT for their services; the agent's services was no better than doing the custom clearance myself( as my friend did it herself for the same freaking 5 hours).

2. This wasn't that bad. It was during the interview with Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam when the panel (seorang datuk) smirked after i answered his question about my hospital preference after all the formal interview ended. I did not resist myself from saying, with a straight face...

"May i correct your misconception? People always have this misconception about ME, being a Kelantanese and wanting to work to Kelantan. But that's not my reason. The reason is because i want to use the language advantage to communicate better with my patients"

he nodded and smiled, impressed. I did not expect this casual question and plan to answer this way but i would not be satisfied with the interview, had i not. Too tired of people's skepticism about the state sentiment.

3. Five years of living on my own, having the independence of mobility and good space of mine, it's not too much to say that there's A LOT to adjust. I have to give a lot more than what i get back (from certain people), i have to depend on others for a lot of things, i have to put up and bear. It got overwhelmed, from time to time. I need to escape.

Thankfully, another guardian angel assured me some time ago that it's not where i am (physically) at the moment but where my heart is that matters, for the place to be called home. I'm glad i know where it is.